I really do try to be positive about most things, but sometimes I just can't find anything to be positive about. And sometimes, weeks like this just suck.
Late last week I was texting a friend, I couldn't remember a name of an app they had on their iPad. I was setting up mum's iPad (her birthday gift from dad) and thought it was one that she might enjoy. We were texting for a while and they asked how I was, (last time we spoke I'd mentioned we'd gotten the referral from the GP). This friend is one of the few who knows that we've been ttc for over a year. I told them that we'd had our first appointment with the FS and I'd booked my lap. I then asked how they were, their response? "Oh, I'm so tired. My six month old never sleeps and day care is costing me a fortune". Nice.
I don't expect everyone to know what it's like to be on this journey. Nor do I expect everyone to be sympathetic. But come on, would it kill you to be tactful for once? I tell you about my anxieties to do with fertility treatments and upcoming surgery and your response is to complain about your baby.
And this week just gets even worse. I went to the dentist again this week because one of the teeth I had filled back in April is bothering me again. Best cause scenario? It's a lingering sinus infection causing the pain. Worst case? I need a root canal (or two). And that my impacted wisdom teeth should come out sooner rather than later.
I've been on antibotics since Monday but the pain is still there, so I'm pretty sure I need a root canal. Under our health insurance root canals are classed as major dental. Surgical removal of a tooth (requiring sedation) as well as regular and complicated removals (done in the chair at the dentists office, not under twilight just with local anesthetic) are also classed as major dental. And I'm pretty sure that one root canal will use up nearly all of my major dental benefits for the year.
I was hoping not to have to use my major dental, and to put that towards having my wisdom teeth out. I'll have to be sedated and have my wisdom teeth out in hospital, I have a tiny mouth, big teeth and my wisdom teeth look scary on xrays. If I'm admitted to hospital I have to pay an excess to my health insurance, but I only have to pay it once per calendar year. So I figured if I'm paying it once for my lap, then I'll have my wisdom teeth taken that same year and not have to pay the excess twice.
But this root canal will screw all of that up. And it's going to screw up the timing of our fertility treatments too. I was hoping to have my wisdom teeth out after my lap but before our first cycle. Now I don't know what I'll do.
It's just all too much. It all comes down to, my body is broken and not doing what it should do naturally. If I could just fall pregnant naturally I wouldn't be so anxious. I'd be able to congratulate people on their pregnancies. I'd be able to walk down the baby aisles at the supermarket and department stores without getting tears in my eyes. I wouldn't be spending thousands of dollars, countless months and doctors visits to fall pregnant. And I wouldn't have to plan my life around appointments, blood work and ultrasounds.
I never imagined that just getting pregnant would be the hard part. I always thought that labour and sleepless nights with a newborn would be the hard part.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
The plan
After playing phone tag with the nurse for the last week and a half, I finally got through to her. Well, she left a message for me with one of the receptionists. Ugh. Not a great first impression of what it's like to try and get results from the clinic. I hope this doesn't happen when things are serious and timing matters.
By the time I finally did get the results of my blood work, it was a moot point as my period arrived that morning. A 57 day cycle, that's a new record for me. But I also got the results of my husbands second analysis. And his morphology results are still not that great, his first test they were 1% and because I didn't speak directly to the nurse, I don't know the number this time around just that they were "borderline" which is how Dr S described the first results.
Our first step is for me to have the lap and then after that we'll move straight onto IUI. If during my lap they find both fallopian tubes are blocked or they have to remove both then it'll be IVF instead of IUI.
While I was on the phone with the receptionist, I booked my lap in for the 30th July. I would've liked to have it sooner but Dr S will be on holidays for two weeks in July, and my husband has to put in for leave a month in advance, so late July it is.
I also booked my surgical education and pre-op appointment with Dr S, which is the week before my surgery. And booked my post op appointment for the 9th of August. That's when we'll discuss the results of the surgery as well as making plans for our first cycle. It still just seems so far away.
By the time I finally did get the results of my blood work, it was a moot point as my period arrived that morning. A 57 day cycle, that's a new record for me. But I also got the results of my husbands second analysis. And his morphology results are still not that great, his first test they were 1% and because I didn't speak directly to the nurse, I don't know the number this time around just that they were "borderline" which is how Dr S described the first results.
Our first step is for me to have the lap and then after that we'll move straight onto IUI. If during my lap they find both fallopian tubes are blocked or they have to remove both then it'll be IVF instead of IUI.
While I was on the phone with the receptionist, I booked my lap in for the 30th July. I would've liked to have it sooner but Dr S will be on holidays for two weeks in July, and my husband has to put in for leave a month in advance, so late July it is.
I also booked my surgical education and pre-op appointment with Dr S, which is the week before my surgery. And booked my post op appointment for the 9th of August. That's when we'll discuss the results of the surgery as well as making plans for our first cycle. It still just seems so far away.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Talking with the husband
This morning my husband had an appointment to drop off a sample at the Fertility Clinics lab. We live only 10mins away from the clinic but it was peak hour traffic so it took us a bit longer to get there so we were chatting while we were caught in traffic.
I asked my husband if he there was anything I should ask the nurse when I ring for my results this afternoon. He said there wasn't and then he was quiet for a few minutes before he said "did you notice that Dr S's computer was running XP while the nurse's computer was running Windows 7? I wonder if that's because Dr S is using some programs that aren't compatible with Windows 7?"
On the way home from Dr S's office on Friday, he asked a similar question about the ultrasound machine. I asked if he was uncomfortable being with me while the ultrasound was done, as it was an internal. His response was "no, you were covered up. I just couldn't work out the picture on the screen. How does the image get mapped like that? I wonder what software that is?"
Ah, to be married to a database administrator and someone who writes code just for fun.
Saturday, 8 June 2013
First appointment with Dr. S
Yesterday afternoon was our first appointment with our fertility specialist, Dr. S. I wasn't sure what to expect, it was scheduled for 2.10pm so I thought it might just be a quick in and out appointment but it wasn't.
I'd printed out my charts and made notes about the months where I wasn't charting. I'd also made a few notes about my previous lap surgery back in 2002. Our GP had given us copies of the testing she'd done so there was a whole stack of paper work I took in.
Dr S was very thorough, he went through all my medical history starting with what my cycles were like as a teenager. We discussed my previous laproscopy & hysterscopy, how I had a few large cysts and that my fallopian tube was adhered to the abdominal wall.
He did an ultrasound (surprise internal ultrasound, thank goodness I'd shaved my legs that morning!) and exam. He also sent me for a blood test just to see what's going on with this messed up cycle (day 47 and counting) and my husband has to do another SA but this time it's to be sent to the fertility clinics lab. He was a bit concerned with my husbands morphology results from his SA, but he did explain that the low result could be from a number of factors and it's possible that this next SA the numbers could have improved. But it's also possible the numbers could be the same.
On the ultrasound he could see the cysts, but when he looked at my charts it looks like I'm ovulating around once every 3-4 months. I am ovulating and the blood work my GP did shows that I did ovulate that cycle. Just not any cycles since. So I haven't ovulated since March.
He could see what he thinks is one of my fallopian tubes, typically on an ultrasound they don't show up, but if the tube is blocked or full of fluid then it can be seen. He was quite concerned with this. If it is fluid in the tube then that fluid can leak into my uterus, which can lower the chance of implantation.
Our next step is surgery for me. A lap to see if there's any endo and remove it if there is. Also if that one very large cysts is still there, removal of that as well. As well as a hyst, d&c and dye test. All of that I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting is that if my tube is full of fluid or blocked and it can't be repaired then he'll remove it. That was unexpected. I also didn't expect to be told that it would be an overnight stay in hospital. My previous lap was just day surgery, I went in at 9am and was out and home by 3pm.
I was quite relieved when at the end of the appointment he said "it's not a matter of whether or not you can get pregnant. It's just a matter of whether you need a little bit of science or a lot of science to help you get pregnant"
We met with the lovely nurse who will be our contact for any test results and scheduling any surgeries. She organised my husbands SA and she's who I have to call on Tuesday to get the results of my blood work. I think I'm going to book my lap then. While Dr S has a few free surgery spots left for this month, my husband can't take any time off work until the end of next month.
The end of July works out a bit better for my work too, it's the first week of term and I rarely get called in to replace teachers then. Plus it's right in between family birthdays so I'll be able to hide away at home while I recover as we still haven't told our families that we're ttc or that we were seeing a FS.
I'm just feeling a bit numb at the moment. I haven't had a chance to process it all. I'm glad that we're taking this step but at the same time I'm angry that we have to consciously work, plan and spend thousands of dollars to have a baby, when so many other people don't. Dr S said that one in six couples need fertility treatments to fall pregnant. Our group of friends is made up for seven couples so statistically it had to be one couple. I just feel bitter that it was us.
I'd printed out my charts and made notes about the months where I wasn't charting. I'd also made a few notes about my previous lap surgery back in 2002. Our GP had given us copies of the testing she'd done so there was a whole stack of paper work I took in.
Dr S was very thorough, he went through all my medical history starting with what my cycles were like as a teenager. We discussed my previous laproscopy & hysterscopy, how I had a few large cysts and that my fallopian tube was adhered to the abdominal wall.
He did an ultrasound (surprise internal ultrasound, thank goodness I'd shaved my legs that morning!) and exam. He also sent me for a blood test just to see what's going on with this messed up cycle (day 47 and counting) and my husband has to do another SA but this time it's to be sent to the fertility clinics lab. He was a bit concerned with my husbands morphology results from his SA, but he did explain that the low result could be from a number of factors and it's possible that this next SA the numbers could have improved. But it's also possible the numbers could be the same.
On the ultrasound he could see the cysts, but when he looked at my charts it looks like I'm ovulating around once every 3-4 months. I am ovulating and the blood work my GP did shows that I did ovulate that cycle. Just not any cycles since. So I haven't ovulated since March.
He could see what he thinks is one of my fallopian tubes, typically on an ultrasound they don't show up, but if the tube is blocked or full of fluid then it can be seen. He was quite concerned with this. If it is fluid in the tube then that fluid can leak into my uterus, which can lower the chance of implantation.
Our next step is surgery for me. A lap to see if there's any endo and remove it if there is. Also if that one very large cysts is still there, removal of that as well. As well as a hyst, d&c and dye test. All of that I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting is that if my tube is full of fluid or blocked and it can't be repaired then he'll remove it. That was unexpected. I also didn't expect to be told that it would be an overnight stay in hospital. My previous lap was just day surgery, I went in at 9am and was out and home by 3pm.
I was quite relieved when at the end of the appointment he said "it's not a matter of whether or not you can get pregnant. It's just a matter of whether you need a little bit of science or a lot of science to help you get pregnant"
We met with the lovely nurse who will be our contact for any test results and scheduling any surgeries. She organised my husbands SA and she's who I have to call on Tuesday to get the results of my blood work. I think I'm going to book my lap then. While Dr S has a few free surgery spots left for this month, my husband can't take any time off work until the end of next month.
The end of July works out a bit better for my work too, it's the first week of term and I rarely get called in to replace teachers then. Plus it's right in between family birthdays so I'll be able to hide away at home while I recover as we still haven't told our families that we're ttc or that we were seeing a FS.
I'm just feeling a bit numb at the moment. I haven't had a chance to process it all. I'm glad that we're taking this step but at the same time I'm angry that we have to consciously work, plan and spend thousands of dollars to have a baby, when so many other people don't. Dr S said that one in six couples need fertility treatments to fall pregnant. Our group of friends is made up for seven couples so statistically it had to be one couple. I just feel bitter that it was us.
Friday, 7 June 2013
Off to the specialist
Today is the day we've got our fertility specialist appointment.
My husband has taken the day off, he gets the usual ten days of sick leave a year on top of his annual leave and can use his sick leave if he is ill or has a doctor or dental appointment. But what's really lucky is if he doesn't use all of his sick leave, each year it gets rolled over, in most companies here if you don't use it by the end of the year you lose it. Seeing as he's been working for this company for seven years now, he has a tonne of sick leave accumulated.
As much as I despise the company he works for, I am grateful that they are generous with their leave benefits.
Our appointment isn't until this afternoon at 2pm. We've got a few things to do first, my husband has to go and get a dental xray that he's been putting off for weeks (he got the referral at his last check up but ignored it, now he's got a toothache and has to have the xray done before his dentists appointment tomorrow morning). I also need new ballet flats to wear to work, the ones I bought in winter last year just aren't cutting it. And I think we might go and have sushi from the local sushi train for lunch.
It's also a public holiday on Monday! Four day weekend! I was completely unaware until last week. I knew our FS appointment was on a Friday and that we'd both planned to take the day off work. But I didn't realise that it was the Friday before a long weekend.
I'm kind of glad that it worked out this way. If the FS appointment is a bit upsetting or we hear something that we've got to think about first, then we've got the rest of the four day weekend to process it and talk it through.
We won't be seeing any friends or family this weekend either. A lot of our friends are busy with work this weekend. It's coming up to the end of the financial year so everyone is busy or putting in extra hours over the next few weekends. And next weekend it's my mothers birthday lunch so we won't see my family this weekend as we'll be seeing them next weekend.
It's just the right weekend for my husband and I to hang out on our own together. I think we might go see a movie, maybe go to the beach for lunch and just take some time out.
My husband has taken the day off, he gets the usual ten days of sick leave a year on top of his annual leave and can use his sick leave if he is ill or has a doctor or dental appointment. But what's really lucky is if he doesn't use all of his sick leave, each year it gets rolled over, in most companies here if you don't use it by the end of the year you lose it. Seeing as he's been working for this company for seven years now, he has a tonne of sick leave accumulated.
As much as I despise the company he works for, I am grateful that they are generous with their leave benefits.
Our appointment isn't until this afternoon at 2pm. We've got a few things to do first, my husband has to go and get a dental xray that he's been putting off for weeks (he got the referral at his last check up but ignored it, now he's got a toothache and has to have the xray done before his dentists appointment tomorrow morning). I also need new ballet flats to wear to work, the ones I bought in winter last year just aren't cutting it. And I think we might go and have sushi from the local sushi train for lunch.
It's also a public holiday on Monday! Four day weekend! I was completely unaware until last week. I knew our FS appointment was on a Friday and that we'd both planned to take the day off work. But I didn't realise that it was the Friday before a long weekend.
I'm kind of glad that it worked out this way. If the FS appointment is a bit upsetting or we hear something that we've got to think about first, then we've got the rest of the four day weekend to process it and talk it through.
We won't be seeing any friends or family this weekend either. A lot of our friends are busy with work this weekend. It's coming up to the end of the financial year so everyone is busy or putting in extra hours over the next few weekends. And next weekend it's my mothers birthday lunch so we won't see my family this weekend as we'll be seeing them next weekend.
It's just the right weekend for my husband and I to hang out on our own together. I think we might go see a movie, maybe go to the beach for lunch and just take some time out.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)