So this is 31

I turned 31 yesterday. It's a strange feeling, I had no problems at all turning 30. I relished it! I had more anxiety about turning 21 than I did about turning 30.

I was even excited to turn 30, my marriage was the strongest it had ever been. We were paying off our own little apartment.  I'd gotten back into teaching and had even picked up a part time contract. There were no major stressors and life was just going swimmingly.

But turning 31 is bitter sweet. I thought that I'd be pregnant when I turned 31, or maybe, just maybe, have a new born.

I never thought that the day before my 31st birthday would be spent driving to the specialist pathology lab at the local private hospital and having my husband drop off a sample, because we were having trouble falling pregnant.

So I made a little promise to myself, I wouldn't wallow in my own misery about not being pregnant on my birthday. I would completely ignore the fact that no matter how much I wanted a baby, I was not allowing myself to fixate on that on my birthday.

And I didn't. We had a slow start to the day, my mother in law rang to wish me a happy birthday. I'd missed two early morning phone calls from my parents so I rang them back. Then I just lazed around, starting to back up all my photos to the new portable hard drive my husband had given me. I also played around with the new nail polishes I'd gotten from my husband. I swatched them, trying to work out what combination I liked best.

I also put together my birthday cake. I'd made the cake the day before, so I just had to torte, fill and decorate it. It was a black forest cake, I've been on a real sour cherry kick lately so black forest it was!

Then we went out for dinner at the casino (the Italian restaurant there makes a fabulous asparagus risotto. My two favourite foods in the one dish!) and finished off the night with catching the 9.10pm showing of Oz the Great and Powerful. It was a great day!

But today was different, my husband went back to work after having taken two days of annual leave. We also had the quarterly owners meeting for our apartment building. Those are always painful and drag on and on. We're the youngest owners in the building and a lot of people have been living here since the building was built in the late 70's. So you can imagine there's a lot of "when I moved in that was fine! there's no need to fix/replace/repair that!" and a lot of people going off topic. Not to mention the whinging. When we arrived everyone was complaining about a car alarm that was going off a street away. They then went on to complain about another apartment having their tv on loud after 10pm. Because 10pm so late! Goodness me!

When we got home from the meeting, my husband and I had a little argument over where his wireless keyboard was. Then I was having an issue with my computer and both my husband and I were getting frustrated at it.  Once it got sorted out, we were sitting on the couch and I just started crying. It was so silly but I just couldn't help it.

I am overweight and not really feeling comfortable with my weight. I am making an effort to exercise more, but it's been two weeks of birthdays and this weekend is Easter so my clothes are getting a little tighter. I'm just not happy with myself or my body.

And all I could think was "what if it's as simple as not being able to fall pregnant because I'm fat". Then I started worrying about what the other residents of our building will think if we do have a baby and they can hear the baby crying. By law they can't do anything more than whinge but still, what if they do whinge and make it uncomfortable to live here?

As much as I'd love to buy a house, the property market here is bad. Actually, not just bad but terrible. A year after we bought the market took a drive and hasn't recovered, we do plan to move in the future but we've just got to wait it out until the market recovers.

My poor husband, the tears and worries just came from no-where. The longer it takes us to conceive the more often these random teary outbursts happen.

So far 31 isn't all that great. It has the potential to be absolutely wonderful, or it has the potential to suck. But for now it's all just in a holding pattern.

Well, that was awkward...and depressing

I went and had my ultrasound this afternoon. I was a bit nervous so was sending texts to my husband about how bad I had to pee and how unfair it was that they were running late. I have a small bladder, I always have to pee and when I'm anxious it's even worse.

I finally got called in and the ultrasound was going ok, until the sonographer asked if I'd ever had an internal ultrasound before. I have and while it's awkward and uncomfortable I know it's the way they get the best images.

I wasn't paying attention when they were scanning my right ovary I was too busy staring at the ceiling, willing myself to relax. Once I remembered there was a screen to look at, they'd moved onto scanning my left ovary.

I could see the cysts straight away.

After a few minutes the sonographer asked if I'd been diagnosed with having cysts before. I replied that I had and asked if there cysts showing up on the scan. I got standard answer that the report will be sent to my doctor by tomorrow morning.

I was fine until I got in the car and send my husband a text to let him know that the scan was over (and that I'd finally had a chance to pee!) and I was heading to the deli to get some gelato. Then the tears started, I just couldn't help it. And then I had to sit in the car until I stopped crying and wait a few minutes until my eyes and nose weren't as red and puffy.

I know once my husband gets home from work I'm going to cry again. I know there's nothing definite until we get the results of all the tests from the doctor, but I seriously didn't want or expect to see cysts.

It's the first true sign that there's something wrong with me. And it's at the worst timing too, my husband will be away this weekend so he won't even be here to cheer me up.

Another appointment

Tonight, once my husband finishes work, my husband and I are heading back to the Doctors so he can get his pathology referral and have a testing on his sample. He is not looking forward to it at all. But the soon it's all done and out of the way, the better.

We'd planned to go to the Doctors last night, but he didn't get home until 7.30pm and it was just too late. He's a bit worried about it, he's asked me to go in with him to ask for the pathology referral. Which is fine, I'm the one that spoke to my Doctor and got all of this started.

He's just concerned, last night he had a big ramble on about it all "there might be something wrong with my boys? What if I'm firing blanks? I don't want to be firing blanks!" to which I responded jokingly "so you'd rather there be something wrong with me? Thanks babe!"

Then he said, in the most loving way "I'll still love you even if your lady parts are broken" Nice, what a caring husband.

I'm going to miss him this weekend. He's off to spend the weekend with friends at a Lan. I'll drop him off Friday night and pick him up Sunday afternoon. I'm not looking forward to all the driving (one of the setbacks to only having one car, someone winds up without a car and the other winds up playing taxi driver) but I know he needs to get away and have a boys weekend.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought about going up to Brisbane to see a show, Legally Blonde is on at the theatre, but I might just see a movie and hang out at home instead.

The next step

Primary infertility. I never thought
I'd hear a Dr. say those words. 

I took the next step in our journey today. I went to the doctor to talk about where we're at with trying for a baby. On the drive home the other night, my husband asked me how I was coping this month with af arriving. I guess he'd been expecting the usual emotional meltdown and it didn't happen this month around.

Even though I hadn't been talking about it, I'd still been thinking about it. There's a lot playing on my mind this cycle. It's our tenth month of trying (and ninth cycle). It's my 31st birthday in a few days time and I always thought we'd have at least once child by now. But we put off ttc and now it's taking longer than I expected. Plus, my husbands cousin and his girlfriend are due to have their baby any day now. Seeing them with a newborn baby at Easter is going to be tough, it's going to take everything in my power not to cry when we get the "When are you having a family?" questions.

It doesn't help that in 2002 I had a laparoscopy to remove two ovarian cysts and adhesions that were causing that same ovary to be stuck to my pelvic wall. My surgeon at the time told me that it wasn't PCOS. That he'd removed the cysts and adhesions so I should have less pain and no problem falling pregnant in the future. (I'd originally gone to see him due to long, painful periods and pain during intercourse.) 

It didn't even cross my mind until a few months ago that there might be something else going on. I just assumed that our timing was off, or that we were one of those couples that try for 12 months before falling pregnant. 

But then I started thinking about it. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt I had to go and see my doctor. So when my husband asked me how I was going, I brought up the topic of seeing my doctor. 

I love my doctor, it has taken me years to find a nice, polite but thorough female doctor. She is lovely but professional (unlike my previous doctor who called me "a fatty", I know I'm overweight but come on.). The surgery she works with even bulk bills. But the only thing is, is that it's a drop in clinic so no appointments and she's popular so sometimes I've had to wait for around 2 hours to see her. But the upside to that is that it's all bulk billed. And because there are no appointments the doctors take their time with you, she spent 20mins with me today. 

Luckily today I only had to wait half an hour before I was called in. She was lovely, as always. Even when I got anxious and started crying. She did a check up and gave me referrals to have a pelvic ultrasound and two blood tests, one on day 1 and one of day 28 of my cycle. (It would normally be day 21 but I don't ovulate until around day 18-21). She explained that they're checking for causes of primary infertility and to check my hormone and iron levels.

She also explained that it could be something as simple as needing medication to make me ovulate more regularly. Or maybe it's in issue with the sperm not being able to reach the egg. Or the egg not being able to make it down the fallopian tube. Or even my hormone levels being too low. 

I've also got to get my husband to go in and see her so he can get a referral to give a sample. He did ask me if he'd have to give a sample if I saw the doctor, and I told me that he probably would. I know he doesn't like doctors and the thought of giving a sample makes him feel uncomfortable. But even he said that this is taking longer than he thought it would.

I feel a bit more at peace now that I've take steps to get the ball rolling. My ultrasound is booked for Friday and then it's just a matter of waiting to have the blood tests done on the right cycle days. 

I'm still hoping that all of this will be for nothing and that next month I can see my doctor, not to get the results of any tests, but because I've seen that wonderful second line and I'm pregnant. 

I was right... and bonus cake pics!

Well, I was right. The spotting continued on Friday and by Saturday morning af was well and truly here. I had a busy day on Friday, lots of errands and then making  my sister in laws birthday cake. I'm pretty close to her, she's my brother's girlfriend and they've been together for over 13 years now.

I had to do a few more errands on Saturday, I needed to pick up some balloons and fill up the car. It has been so hot for mid March and the air conditioning in our car stopped working last week. Crazy traffic due to all the roadworks, 27°C day with something like 80% humidity and  no air conditioning. It was not pretty. (And today's weather isn't much better! Come on, give me some nice cool Autumn days already. It shouldn't be swimming weather in mid March, but really contemplating either a trip to the beach or going downstairs for a swim this afternoon.)

I was so glad that our family get together was a dinner and not lunch. I was just too frazzled and would never have been ready in time to drive to Brisbane and be ready for a lunch.

I had problems with the cake decorations, the humidity was making the fondant sweat and melt so I had to make them again. They did turn out so much cuter the second time around, but still. It was annoying to have to redo it!

Chocolate cake and ganache and caramel filling.
 Cherry tree and sweet little owl made from fondant
 with luster dust to colour the flowers. 

Then once we got up into Brisbane, the carpark was full. And there was a football game on nearby so all the on street parking near the restaurant was a 15min zone. I circled the block for 30 mins and in the end gave up and risked a parking ticket by parking in a narrow side street. After all that, once we finally got to the restaurant I needed a drink. I felt so bad, getting there late and flustered and the first thing my gorgeous sister in law did was order me a drink. It was her birthday, I should've been ordering one for her! But that strawberry daiquiri was the best one I've had in years (And the first alcoholic drink I've had in about six months) My sister in law and I ended up splitting a bottle of champagne too.

Dinner was ok, I'm not a huge seafood fan and it's a mostly seafood restaurant, but everyone else in my family loves it. Afterwards we went back to my brother and sister in laws house where we gave her the cake and her gift. I know she wants an ipad and had been saving gift cards for it, so we'd given her a gift card. But I didn't want to just shove it in a card (like what I did at Christmas), so I saw an idea on pinterest where you put the card inside a balloon. It was actually quite easy to get the card in the balloon and then I just put together a small balloon bouquet.

One of these balloons is hiding a gift card!

It was really a good night, I needed to just let down my hair and enjoy the meal without worrying about what I was eating and drinking. It was also a great distraction from af arriving. After we left the restaurant I asked my husband if I'd made a fool of myself, he patted me on the arm and said "no, not yet. You're just happy and very talkative"

It's my birthday next in 10 days time. But my family will visit sometime after Easter and we'll do the big family celebration then. I'm just going to have a small birthday with my husband this year. He's managed to get two days off work as annual leave which is great!

Not this month...

I was irritable all day today. Everything just annoyed me. Then it was made worse but my husband coming home in a bad mood from work.

I also had some very light spotting tonight and light cramping. The mood swing combined with the spotting and cramping leads me to believe that my period is on it's way.

Since Monday my husband has been bugging me to buy some pregnancy tests. I don't like to keep them in the house because I'll test way to early and wind up a teary mess when it comes up negative. But here is where I sound like a real crazy person. I also don't like to keep them in the house, because when I was at uni it was a running joke that if your period was late the way to make it show up would be to buy a pregnancy test  and take it. That taking the test will guarantee that you're period will show up the next day. And that's what's always happened in the last few months.

But last night I had to duck out to the supermarket and pick up a few things so while I was there I grabbed a box of First Response tests. (Holy cow are they expensive at the supermarket! A pack of three was nearly $18. I'll go back to buying them at the chemist where they're only around $12).

Well, if my period is definitely on it's way then I can have a cocktail when we go out to dinner with my family to celebrate my sister in laws birthday this weekend. I guess that'll stop the questions and curious looks. Last time we went out to dinner I didn't drink, that combined with the fact that I gave up my beloved diet coke has raised a few eyebrows in the last couple of months.

And it means that later this month my husband and I can go to Seaworld for my birthday and I'll be able to go on all the roller coasters I like. For my husbands birthday last year we went to Dreamworld and I'd just gotten my period that month too.

I know it sounds silly, but I need to find those little things to look forward too. It's sort of my reward for making it through another month of ttc.

Things husbands say

Throughout the last nine months of trying, my husband has had a variety or responses to my news that we're not pregnant yet.

For a while it was his standard "life is not a race" which just made me more upset, because I know it's not a race! In an emotional moment I broke down and told him he can't say that to me any more, I know we're not in a race, I just want to be pregnant and have a baby! That I need him to say "it'll be ok, it'll happen one day soon."

Since then he's been pretty good and much more supportive. He's such a smart man, but sometimes he just can't tell when to be supportive or what to say to be supportive!

This month he's been absolutely awesome. I think being able to show him my chart has helped. Last month was my first month of charting and it showed that we were a bit off with timing everything. This month I had my chart open on my laptop when he came home from work, as I was adding information to it, and he was interested in it, asking lots of questions.

So I found it very sweet last week, when he was talking in his sleep and asked "Did we make a baby last night?"

Then on Wednesday I was again adding in my days temperature and symptoms into my chart when he came home from work. (I take my temperature early in the morning but often don't get a chance to enter in the information until the afternoon.) He peered over my shoulder and asked if the chart could tell if I was pregnant yet. I had to laugh and tell him that it's far too early to know. He was so disappointed when I said it'd probably be ten days to a fortnight before I'd know.

Welcome to the two week wait.  Two weeks of analysing every little symptom and driving yourself crazy!

Finally!

Today is day 23 of my cycle, and finally! I started to see a darkish line on my opks. It's not super dark, so not technically a positive, but at least there's the start of a line. 

On my negative opks I see a very faint line. But as I get closer to ovulation, I get a fade in where the line starts to get darker over a day or two. So I was pretty relieved to see the darker line. I've also got that dull achyness in my lower abdomen which I get when I ovulate.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll see a nice dark positive opk! This is the latest I've ever ovulated, I really don't know what's going on.