So this is 31

I turned 31 yesterday. It's a strange feeling, I had no problems at all turning 30. I relished it! I had more anxiety about turning 21 than I did about turning 30.

I was even excited to turn 30, my marriage was the strongest it had ever been. We were paying off our own little apartment.  I'd gotten back into teaching and had even picked up a part time contract. There were no major stressors and life was just going swimmingly.

But turning 31 is bitter sweet. I thought that I'd be pregnant when I turned 31, or maybe, just maybe, have a new born.

I never thought that the day before my 31st birthday would be spent driving to the specialist pathology lab at the local private hospital and having my husband drop off a sample, because we were having trouble falling pregnant.

So I made a little promise to myself, I wouldn't wallow in my own misery about not being pregnant on my birthday. I would completely ignore the fact that no matter how much I wanted a baby, I was not allowing myself to fixate on that on my birthday.

And I didn't. We had a slow start to the day, my mother in law rang to wish me a happy birthday. I'd missed two early morning phone calls from my parents so I rang them back. Then I just lazed around, starting to back up all my photos to the new portable hard drive my husband had given me. I also played around with the new nail polishes I'd gotten from my husband. I swatched them, trying to work out what combination I liked best.

I also put together my birthday cake. I'd made the cake the day before, so I just had to torte, fill and decorate it. It was a black forest cake, I've been on a real sour cherry kick lately so black forest it was!

Then we went out for dinner at the casino (the Italian restaurant there makes a fabulous asparagus risotto. My two favourite foods in the one dish!) and finished off the night with catching the 9.10pm showing of Oz the Great and Powerful. It was a great day!

But today was different, my husband went back to work after having taken two days of annual leave. We also had the quarterly owners meeting for our apartment building. Those are always painful and drag on and on. We're the youngest owners in the building and a lot of people have been living here since the building was built in the late 70's. So you can imagine there's a lot of "when I moved in that was fine! there's no need to fix/replace/repair that!" and a lot of people going off topic. Not to mention the whinging. When we arrived everyone was complaining about a car alarm that was going off a street away. They then went on to complain about another apartment having their tv on loud after 10pm. Because 10pm so late! Goodness me!

When we got home from the meeting, my husband and I had a little argument over where his wireless keyboard was. Then I was having an issue with my computer and both my husband and I were getting frustrated at it.  Once it got sorted out, we were sitting on the couch and I just started crying. It was so silly but I just couldn't help it.

I am overweight and not really feeling comfortable with my weight. I am making an effort to exercise more, but it's been two weeks of birthdays and this weekend is Easter so my clothes are getting a little tighter. I'm just not happy with myself or my body.

And all I could think was "what if it's as simple as not being able to fall pregnant because I'm fat". Then I started worrying about what the other residents of our building will think if we do have a baby and they can hear the baby crying. By law they can't do anything more than whinge but still, what if they do whinge and make it uncomfortable to live here?

As much as I'd love to buy a house, the property market here is bad. Actually, not just bad but terrible. A year after we bought the market took a drive and hasn't recovered, we do plan to move in the future but we've just got to wait it out until the market recovers.

My poor husband, the tears and worries just came from no-where. The longer it takes us to conceive the more often these random teary outbursts happen.

So far 31 isn't all that great. It has the potential to be absolutely wonderful, or it has the potential to suck. But for now it's all just in a holding pattern.