I'm sick and I'm over being sick. I didn't fall asleep until around 5am because I was coughing so much. And then I was up a few hours later when the humidifier clicked off. This is the first night that I've coughed like this. The cough is the worst part of being sick for me. I hate it. It makes me anxious because I feel like I can't breathe. So sometimes I wind up having a panic attack because I'm coughing. I'm such a mess.
And I still haven't gotten my period. I don't know what's going on. I'm 14 dpo today and my temp has dropped a little bit but not a huge amount. I took yet another hpt today and it was negative.
I'm starting to think that those three and a half days of spotting were a period of sorts (even though it started at only 5dpo and I'm pretty sure when I ovulated because both opks and my temperature point towards the same day) and that because I fell sick just after the spotting started it's screwed with my temperatures. I haven't had a fever but I haven't been feel well either. Some nights I know I was breathing through my mouth as I woke up with a terribly dry mouth and sore throat. I did have the humidifier going from the time I started to feel run down, and that does warm our bedroom slightly.
My husband keeps making references that I'm pregnant. We were talking about twins and I said that after it's taken us 12 months to fall pregnant, that if I did fall pregnant with twins after this journey I'd feel sort of cheated out of a pregnancy. (Complete and utter crazy ramblings, I know) It was then he said "In 9 months time when you're telling me you're so over this pregnancy, it'll be a different story!"
And earlier when I was spotting and I was kept having whinge about how I didn't know why I was spotting he kept telling me that "Maybe it's baby!" "Maybe it's implantation bleeding!" I love how he's taken the time to google and research all of this.
I love how he's so positive through all of this. Some times it frustrates me, as I feel that being positive just makes it harder when things don't work out. He gets frustrated at me too, especially when I'm in a particularly negative mood.
He's told me a few times I should go to the doctor about the spotting. But I really don't want to. We've got the specialist appointment in two weeks time on June 7th. There really isn't any tests the GP can run that the specialist won't run anyway. And I sort of just want to forget about ttc for a few weeks until our appointment.
I'm sick of opks and hpts and taking my temperature every morning. I'm sick of analysing every cramp, twinge, headache and mood. And I'm even sick of taking the prenatal vitamins that have a silhouette of a pregnant woman on the front.
Saturday, 25 May 2013
Thursday, 23 May 2013
A weird cycle..
So the spotting stopped for a few days, but now my temp has dropped a tiny bit so I'm pretty sure my period is on its way. I also cried last night when my husband brought home the wrong juice. He brought home orange juice and I wanted orange, mango and apple juice.
While the teary emotional fit could be because I'm sick and haven't been sleeping well, it's probably pms. But the night before I cried when my husband was talking about the new computer monitor he wants when we've got other bills to take care of first. Luckily my husband has seen many years of my pms crying fits so had also brought home supplies of mint slice biscuits and peanut butter.
So that's it. Once my period is here I'll head off to my final blood test (definitely not at my local lab though, I'll go to the one a few suburbs away to avoid the nasty nurse) and then in two weeks time it's our first appointment with the Fertility Specialist.
While the teary emotional fit could be because I'm sick and haven't been sleeping well, it's probably pms. But the night before I cried when my husband was talking about the new computer monitor he wants when we've got other bills to take care of first. Luckily my husband has seen many years of my pms crying fits so had also brought home supplies of mint slice biscuits and peanut butter.
So that's it. Once my period is here I'll head off to my final blood test (definitely not at my local lab though, I'll go to the one a few suburbs away to avoid the nasty nurse) and then in two weeks time it's our first appointment with the Fertility Specialist.
Monday, 20 May 2013
Still spotting
And I'm still spotting. This is getting ridiculous. Not only is it an annoying inconvenience but I don't know what's going on!
If my temps weren't still high I'd swear that this is just a freakishly light period without the usual pms signs. I have had a headache the last few days but I've also caught a bit of a head cold from the prep class I taught last week.
But I haven't had any cramps, no break outs (except for the two pimples I got the other week when I was ovulating and they've just about gone away) and I haven't gone on my usual must-eat-all-the-chocolate/cornchips/saltyfoods kick. Nor have I had any teary mood swings.
Even though it's still too early, I tested this morning but got a bfn which was expected, so I'm still stuck in limbo, not knowing what's going on.
If my temps weren't still high I'd swear that this is just a freakishly light period without the usual pms signs. I have had a headache the last few days but I've also caught a bit of a head cold from the prep class I taught last week.
But I haven't had any cramps, no break outs (except for the two pimples I got the other week when I was ovulating and they've just about gone away) and I haven't gone on my usual must-eat-all-the-chocolate/cornchips/saltyfoods kick. Nor have I had any teary mood swings.
Even though it's still too early, I tested this morning but got a bfn which was expected, so I'm still stuck in limbo, not knowing what's going on.
Friday, 17 May 2013
Spotting?
This is going to be a bit tmi, but in all honesty my whole ttc blog borders on tmi.
Last night and today I've had some weird spotting. Usually I have one afternoon of spotting before my period arrives. Then the next day I'm hit with killer cramps.
But this is far too early to be my period. It's CD 26 and 6DPO. So too early to be my period and according to Dr Google (What did we do before google? Seriously, I google everything!) too early to be implantation bleeding.
And it's different to the spotting I get before my period too. That kind of spotting is usually old blood and a bit heavier than this. This is lighter, both in colour and flow.
I'm pretty sure of my ovulation date, I had a very strong positive opk at CD 19 and then a temperature dip at CD20. My temps have all been above the cover line since then. Well, except for this morning, I had an early call from the teaching agency which woke me up about an hour before my alarm and I completely blanked and forgot about taking my temperature until I was racing out the door. Whoops! Too late by then. I'd already been up, showered and had gotten dressed.
If this is some crazy early period then I hope it arrives soon so I can get this last blood test out of the way. Or if it's implantation bleeding (which I kinda doubt it is) I hope when I test in a few days time I see a nice clear BFP!
Last night and today I've had some weird spotting. Usually I have one afternoon of spotting before my period arrives. Then the next day I'm hit with killer cramps.
But this is far too early to be my period. It's CD 26 and 6DPO. So too early to be my period and according to Dr Google (What did we do before google? Seriously, I google everything!) too early to be implantation bleeding.
And it's different to the spotting I get before my period too. That kind of spotting is usually old blood and a bit heavier than this. This is lighter, both in colour and flow.
I'm pretty sure of my ovulation date, I had a very strong positive opk at CD 19 and then a temperature dip at CD20. My temps have all been above the cover line since then. Well, except for this morning, I had an early call from the teaching agency which woke me up about an hour before my alarm and I completely blanked and forgot about taking my temperature until I was racing out the door. Whoops! Too late by then. I'd already been up, showered and had gotten dressed.
If this is some crazy early period then I hope it arrives soon so I can get this last blood test out of the way. Or if it's implantation bleeding (which I kinda doubt it is) I hope when I test in a few days time I see a nice clear BFP!
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Phone calls and the tww
The fertility clinic rang me yesterday. They had an earlier appointment open up for Tuesday next week. I would've taken the earlier appointment but I still have to have this last blood test. Depending on when my period arrives, I won't get to have that last blood test until the end of next week or even the start of the week after.
I'm in the two week wait now, we've done everything right this month. I think we both know that this is the last chance before we see the FS. I ovulated earlier this month, nearly a week earlier than the last two months and didn't get any ovulation pain either. But I did get a lovely hormonal break out that popped up on my jaw line and chin.
I'm in the two week wait now, we've done everything right this month. I think we both know that this is the last chance before we see the FS. I ovulated earlier this month, nearly a week earlier than the last two months and didn't get any ovulation pain either. But I did get a lovely hormonal break out that popped up on my jaw line and chin.
Saturday, 11 May 2013
A solution to skipping Mothers Day
The other week when I was still trying to shake myself out of a funk, I told my husband I was going to skip Mothers day and not go to any of the family lunches.
Some years my family does a casual barbecue for Mothers day, but some years we're all just too busy or Mum just wants a quiet weekend so those years we don't do anything and I usually just put a card in the post.
My husband's family do a big get together for most celebrations. It's not just lunch with his mum, it's lunch with his mum and siblings, grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and their kids. And I'm just not up to a huge family get together just yet. Don't get me wrong, I have snapped out of my funk for the most part.
As it worked out, my family is getting together on Sunday so today we drove up to Brisbane and saw my husband's mum for a quiet lunch. It was perfect! We got a chance to catch up with her, but to also avoid the big family gathering. I'd baked some scones and some brownies, and my mother in law had put together a platter of salad and cold meat.
My husband's siblings weren't home which surprised me (they're both in their early-mid twenties and have both recently moved back home. First one just after Christmas and now the other in the last two months) but it was nice just to spend some time with my mother in law. We saw her at Easter but that was with the whole family and it's hard to catch up with everyone around, so it's been ages since we just sat around and talked.
My husband and his mum are so alike, they're both quiet and reserved but they have so much in common. The same taste in tv, movies and books, it's funny to watch them discuss them, for quiet people they both get so animated!
My mother in law has been knitting a lot lately, it started with the cousin's new baby and now a friend of my sister in law is having a baby so she's been knitting an outfit and blanket set for the baby shower my sister in law is hosting.
My grandmother did a lot of knitting, she used to make knitted scarecrows for every new baby. Sometimes she'd make a clown but mostly it was a bright rainbow coloured scarecrow. When I saw the patterns she was using they looked just like the style that my grandma used, and my mother in law said she'd seen the patterns for the clowns but not the scarecrow. A quick google search showed me that the scarecrow pattern is still being published too! I'm going to look for it next time I'm at the large craft store.
Tomorrow we're off to my parents house. It'll just be us, my parents, my brother and my sister in law. I'm not sure what we're doing in the way of food, I'm bringing a herb and cheese bread plus a black forest cheesecake for dessert.
I feel a little bit bad that we've skipped the big get together with my husbands extended family. But this truly did work out for the best.
Some years my family does a casual barbecue for Mothers day, but some years we're all just too busy or Mum just wants a quiet weekend so those years we don't do anything and I usually just put a card in the post.
My husband's family do a big get together for most celebrations. It's not just lunch with his mum, it's lunch with his mum and siblings, grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and their kids. And I'm just not up to a huge family get together just yet. Don't get me wrong, I have snapped out of my funk for the most part.
As it worked out, my family is getting together on Sunday so today we drove up to Brisbane and saw my husband's mum for a quiet lunch. It was perfect! We got a chance to catch up with her, but to also avoid the big family gathering. I'd baked some scones and some brownies, and my mother in law had put together a platter of salad and cold meat.
My husband's siblings weren't home which surprised me (they're both in their early-mid twenties and have both recently moved back home. First one just after Christmas and now the other in the last two months) but it was nice just to spend some time with my mother in law. We saw her at Easter but that was with the whole family and it's hard to catch up with everyone around, so it's been ages since we just sat around and talked.
My husband and his mum are so alike, they're both quiet and reserved but they have so much in common. The same taste in tv, movies and books, it's funny to watch them discuss them, for quiet people they both get so animated!
My mother in law has been knitting a lot lately, it started with the cousin's new baby and now a friend of my sister in law is having a baby so she's been knitting an outfit and blanket set for the baby shower my sister in law is hosting.
My grandmother did a lot of knitting, she used to make knitted scarecrows for every new baby. Sometimes she'd make a clown but mostly it was a bright rainbow coloured scarecrow. When I saw the patterns she was using they looked just like the style that my grandma used, and my mother in law said she'd seen the patterns for the clowns but not the scarecrow. A quick google search showed me that the scarecrow pattern is still being published too! I'm going to look for it next time I'm at the large craft store.
Tomorrow we're off to my parents house. It'll just be us, my parents, my brother and my sister in law. I'm not sure what we're doing in the way of food, I'm bringing a herb and cheese bread plus a black forest cheesecake for dessert.
I feel a little bit bad that we've skipped the big get together with my husbands extended family. But this truly did work out for the best.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
Superstitions and appointments
When it comes to signs and things I'm a bit superstitious. My husband isn't and I know that it makes him sigh and laugh at me. I think I get this from my mum. Both she and her sister, Aunty S have good (lucky) numbers bad (unlucky) numbers. They also believe about things happening in threes, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.
This morning I was cleaning out our filing cabinet, looking for a receipt, when instead I found the paper work from when we were house hunting and first inspected our apartment. It was a private inspection, just us at the real estate agent but it was on 25th April 2009. Fast forward four years and that's the day we got our referral to the fertility specialist.
Then a little while later I was out driving to the recycling centre and I heard an ad on the radio for Dr S, the fertility specialist we've been referred too. It was an ad for male fertility and it's not the first time I've heard it. It did remind me that I've got to call Dr S's office and see what the waiting list is like as well as to find out how much the first consult will cost.
I had a few other errands to run while I was out, I wanted to go to the Target a few suburbs away and see if they had any of the discounted polo shirts in my husbands size. As I was driving to Target I heard another ad for Dr S, this time talking about female fertility.
I took that as a sign and resolved to call and make an appointment when I got home. So after I got home, and after I finished procrastinating for about an hour, I rang Dr S to make an appointment. The nurse on the phone was a bit blunt and sort of barked at the phone asking me if this was an IVF appointment. I said I wasn't sure as we'd just been given the referral from our GP, she then told me that Dr S only does initial consults on Fridays and she could make us an appointment for the 7th of June.
Which is fine, I didn't expect an appointment straight away, nor did I want one. She did say that sometimes there's surgical cancellations on Tuesdays and that Dr S will bump initial consult appointments forward but they can't guarantee that there will be an earlier appointment.
The nurse also asked if the GP had ordered any tests or had just given us the referral. So I was a bit relieved when I could tell her what tests we've had done. She said to make sure we have the results of our tests when we go to the initial consult with Dr S. I'd read mixed reviews on whether it's best for the GP to order the tests or the FS.
The 7th of June seems so close but at the same time it seems so far away. I'm still finding it hard to believe we're in May. This week last year I was taking the last few days of my birth control pills. It was late May 2012 that we officially started ttc. Twelve months and ten cycles. Two blood tests (with one more to go), one ultrasound, countless opks and half a dozen epts. And now, an appointment booked to see a fertility specialist.
This morning I was cleaning out our filing cabinet, looking for a receipt, when instead I found the paper work from when we were house hunting and first inspected our apartment. It was a private inspection, just us at the real estate agent but it was on 25th April 2009. Fast forward four years and that's the day we got our referral to the fertility specialist.
Then a little while later I was out driving to the recycling centre and I heard an ad on the radio for Dr S, the fertility specialist we've been referred too. It was an ad for male fertility and it's not the first time I've heard it. It did remind me that I've got to call Dr S's office and see what the waiting list is like as well as to find out how much the first consult will cost.
I had a few other errands to run while I was out, I wanted to go to the Target a few suburbs away and see if they had any of the discounted polo shirts in my husbands size. As I was driving to Target I heard another ad for Dr S, this time talking about female fertility.
I took that as a sign and resolved to call and make an appointment when I got home. So after I got home, and after I finished procrastinating for about an hour, I rang Dr S to make an appointment. The nurse on the phone was a bit blunt and sort of barked at the phone asking me if this was an IVF appointment. I said I wasn't sure as we'd just been given the referral from our GP, she then told me that Dr S only does initial consults on Fridays and she could make us an appointment for the 7th of June.
Which is fine, I didn't expect an appointment straight away, nor did I want one. She did say that sometimes there's surgical cancellations on Tuesdays and that Dr S will bump initial consult appointments forward but they can't guarantee that there will be an earlier appointment.
The nurse also asked if the GP had ordered any tests or had just given us the referral. So I was a bit relieved when I could tell her what tests we've had done. She said to make sure we have the results of our tests when we go to the initial consult with Dr S. I'd read mixed reviews on whether it's best for the GP to order the tests or the FS.
The 7th of June seems so close but at the same time it seems so far away. I'm still finding it hard to believe we're in May. This week last year I was taking the last few days of my birth control pills. It was late May 2012 that we officially started ttc. Twelve months and ten cycles. Two blood tests (with one more to go), one ultrasound, countless opks and half a dozen epts. And now, an appointment booked to see a fertility specialist.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
A decision about appointments
I think I've come to a decision about making the appointment with Dr S, the fertility specialist we've been referred too.
Next week I'm going to call and find out how long the waiting time is to get an appointment. Having private heath insurance means we can choose our appointment date (well, within reason) not just have it assigned to us. Then I'll probably make an appointment for some time in early July, if the waiting list is long then I'll make the appointment then and there. If the list is shorter I'll call back closer to July.
It not only gives us two last cycles of trying on our own, but gives us time to sort our our finances and reconfigure the budget to save madly in those two months.
I also logged onto the relief teacher agency I'm with and tripled the amount of schools I'm registered with. I'm hoping that by doing this I'll get called into work more which will help with adding to our For Baby savings account.
And lastly, those two months give me a chance to get my act together with regards to cleaning up my diet and getting back into the habit of exercising more regularly.
It's also made me think seriously about the number of children I'd like to have. Ever since I started wanting a baby, I always pictured us having three kids. My husband on the other hand would be happy with one maybe, just maybe, two. And now I'm starting to think maybe he's right.
But then, I also pictured us living in a house with a nice backyard and that I'd have a full time teaching job. Where reality is that we live in a smallish older apartment in the CBD. And I haven't been able to get a full time job, not even a year long contract.
This whole situation has really made me reassess my life and decisions I've made in the past. This week is the first time in a long while that I've fallen into playing the "what if..." game.
What if I'd chosen to start teaching in Qld straight away instead of wasting four and a half years in Northern NSW, when it was quite clear that teaching in NSW wasn't going to lead to any contracts or permanency? What if we'd decided to try for a family sooner? What if we'd toughed it out and spent a bit more on our mortgage to buy a house instead of an apartment? What if I hadn't slipped off the exercise wagon so many times? What if I'd kept going to my therapist and had dealt with my anxiety issues more thoroughly instead of reverting back to emotional eating? What if I'd chosen a completely different career path?
I know I need to live in the moment and stop thinking about the what ifs. I can't change the past, but I can guide my future. Having a plan for the FS appointment has given me a some peace. It's made me feel a bit more at ease about it all.
Next week I'm going to call and find out how long the waiting time is to get an appointment. Having private heath insurance means we can choose our appointment date (well, within reason) not just have it assigned to us. Then I'll probably make an appointment for some time in early July, if the waiting list is long then I'll make the appointment then and there. If the list is shorter I'll call back closer to July.
It not only gives us two last cycles of trying on our own, but gives us time to sort our our finances and reconfigure the budget to save madly in those two months.
I also logged onto the relief teacher agency I'm with and tripled the amount of schools I'm registered with. I'm hoping that by doing this I'll get called into work more which will help with adding to our For Baby savings account.
And lastly, those two months give me a chance to get my act together with regards to cleaning up my diet and getting back into the habit of exercising more regularly.
It's also made me think seriously about the number of children I'd like to have. Ever since I started wanting a baby, I always pictured us having three kids. My husband on the other hand would be happy with one maybe, just maybe, two. And now I'm starting to think maybe he's right.
But then, I also pictured us living in a house with a nice backyard and that I'd have a full time teaching job. Where reality is that we live in a smallish older apartment in the CBD. And I haven't been able to get a full time job, not even a year long contract.
This whole situation has really made me reassess my life and decisions I've made in the past. This week is the first time in a long while that I've fallen into playing the "what if..." game.
What if I'd chosen to start teaching in Qld straight away instead of wasting four and a half years in Northern NSW, when it was quite clear that teaching in NSW wasn't going to lead to any contracts or permanency? What if we'd decided to try for a family sooner? What if we'd toughed it out and spent a bit more on our mortgage to buy a house instead of an apartment? What if I hadn't slipped off the exercise wagon so many times? What if I'd kept going to my therapist and had dealt with my anxiety issues more thoroughly instead of reverting back to emotional eating? What if I'd chosen a completely different career path?
I know I need to live in the moment and stop thinking about the what ifs. I can't change the past, but I can guide my future. Having a plan for the FS appointment has given me a some peace. It's made me feel a bit more at ease about it all.
Thursday, 2 May 2013
Crying over pizza
I know in the last week I've been a bit fragile. It's getting a bit ridiculous. I know I'm being way too sensitive and I'm taking too many things to heart and being overly sensitive. But I am someone who cries easily. Movies make me cry, tv shows make me cry, books will make me cry too.
I'm just not in a good mindset or mood right now. I'm trying to take care of myself, distract myself and stay away from google. I went away for the weekend for a much needed time out. I've been going for an afternoon walk along the beach front every day. I'm working through my Autumn to do list (I even returned my husbands desk chair and picked up the replacement, something I've been avoiding for months) and have plans to get stuck into the spare room this weekend.
Sleep is something else I've been working on. It is a big issue for me. If left to my own devices I naturally fall asleep around 2am and get up at around 10am. That's fine on holidays but not so great any other time. I'm a CRT (casual relief teacher or a sub) and to get work in my area is tough. I don't want to risk sleeping through a morning phone call from the agency. I've been aiming to be in bed by 10.30pm each night and getting up between 7am - 7.30am.
I've also been keeping my emotional eating in check. Emotional eating and a complete loathing for exercise are the reason why I'm overweight. Yes, I've been having a cupcake each day with lunch but I haven't binged on any chocolate. Nor have I gone out of my way to purchase any ice cream or take a trip through the Maccas drive through for a cheeseburger and thickshake.
I'm also back on making a fortnightly meal plan and allowing for small treats. One of those small treats was going to be pizza from our local pizza store. I love their antipasto pizzas, olives, feta, asparagus, roasted garlic and tomatoes. So yummy! But I got an email today saying they've got a new menu. I was all excited to see what they've got to offer. They're a smallish chain that started about 15 years ago in the capital city near my home town. They've slowly branched out interstate and have been expanding their menu to now include pasta and desserts.
But they've gotten rid of my favourite pizza. It's been replaced with another vegetarian pizza that has eggplant and artichokes on it. And this made me cry. I couldn't believe it, crying over pizza. That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've cried over. I was so looking forward to my pizza, we love to eat out and get takeaway but have been trying really hard to stick to a budget and not eat out as often.
Once I got over my crying fit, I sent my husband a text message about the pizza. Poor guy, he's putting up with a lot from me right now. I'm sure the last thing he needs right now is to get a text message from his wife saying she's boycotting his favourite pizza place because they made her cry.
I'm just not in a good mindset or mood right now. I'm trying to take care of myself, distract myself and stay away from google. I went away for the weekend for a much needed time out. I've been going for an afternoon walk along the beach front every day. I'm working through my Autumn to do list (I even returned my husbands desk chair and picked up the replacement, something I've been avoiding for months) and have plans to get stuck into the spare room this weekend.
Sleep is something else I've been working on. It is a big issue for me. If left to my own devices I naturally fall asleep around 2am and get up at around 10am. That's fine on holidays but not so great any other time. I'm a CRT (casual relief teacher or a sub) and to get work in my area is tough. I don't want to risk sleeping through a morning phone call from the agency. I've been aiming to be in bed by 10.30pm each night and getting up between 7am - 7.30am.
I've also been keeping my emotional eating in check. Emotional eating and a complete loathing for exercise are the reason why I'm overweight. Yes, I've been having a cupcake each day with lunch but I haven't binged on any chocolate. Nor have I gone out of my way to purchase any ice cream or take a trip through the Maccas drive through for a cheeseburger and thickshake.
I'm also back on making a fortnightly meal plan and allowing for small treats. One of those small treats was going to be pizza from our local pizza store. I love their antipasto pizzas, olives, feta, asparagus, roasted garlic and tomatoes. So yummy! But I got an email today saying they've got a new menu. I was all excited to see what they've got to offer. They're a smallish chain that started about 15 years ago in the capital city near my home town. They've slowly branched out interstate and have been expanding their menu to now include pasta and desserts.
But they've gotten rid of my favourite pizza. It's been replaced with another vegetarian pizza that has eggplant and artichokes on it. And this made me cry. I couldn't believe it, crying over pizza. That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've cried over. I was so looking forward to my pizza, we love to eat out and get takeaway but have been trying really hard to stick to a budget and not eat out as often.
Once I got over my crying fit, I sent my husband a text message about the pizza. Poor guy, he's putting up with a lot from me right now. I'm sure the last thing he needs right now is to get a text message from his wife saying she's boycotting his favourite pizza place because they made her cry.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)