A decision about appointments

I think I've come to a decision about making the appointment with Dr S, the fertility specialist we've been referred too.

Next week I'm going to call and find out how long the waiting time is to get an appointment. Having private heath insurance means we can choose our appointment date (well, within reason) not just have it assigned to us. Then I'll probably make an appointment for some time in early July, if the waiting list is long then I'll make the appointment then and there. If the list is shorter I'll call back closer to July.

It not only gives us two last cycles of trying on our own, but gives us time to sort our our finances and reconfigure the budget to save madly in those two months.

I also logged onto the relief teacher agency I'm with and tripled the amount of schools I'm registered with. I'm hoping that by doing this I'll get called into work more which will help with adding to our For Baby savings account.

And lastly, those two months give me a chance to get my act together with regards to cleaning up my diet and getting back into the habit of exercising more regularly.

It's also made me think seriously about the number of children I'd like to have. Ever since I started wanting a baby, I always pictured us having three kids. My husband on the other hand would be happy with one maybe, just maybe, two. And now I'm starting to think maybe he's right.

But then, I also pictured us living in a house with a nice backyard and that I'd have a full time teaching job. Where reality is that we live in a smallish older apartment in the CBD. And I haven't been able to get a full time job, not even a year long contract.

This whole situation has really made me reassess my life and decisions I've made in the past. This week is the first time in a long while that I've fallen into playing the "what if..." game.

What if I'd chosen to start teaching in Qld straight away instead of wasting four and a half years in Northern NSW, when it was quite clear that teaching in NSW wasn't going to lead to any contracts or permanency? What if we'd decided to try for a family sooner? What if we'd toughed it out and spent a bit more on our mortgage to buy a house instead of an apartment? What if I hadn't slipped off the exercise wagon so many times? What if I'd kept going to my therapist and had dealt with my anxiety issues more thoroughly instead of reverting back to emotional eating? What if I'd chosen a completely different career path?

I know I need to live in the moment and stop thinking about the what ifs. I can't change the past, but I can guide my future. Having a plan for the FS appointment has given me a some peace. It's made me feel a bit more at ease about it all.