Lost for words

I've been working this week, on Monday afternoon I got a call asking if I was available to take a 5 day contract with a year 2 class. It's the same class I worked with a lot last year when they were in year 1.

I wasn't expecting to pick up work during the first week of term, nor was I expecting to pick up a contract! To be honest, I thought that this month and most of next month would be out for work, what with all the medical, dental and surgery appointments I've got going on.

This particular school I work at is over an hours drive away, there are tonnes of schools near where I live, but in my region there is a flood of new graduate teachers looking for casual supply work thanks to the two universities nearby. The next region over is a lot more rural and I get called in to work at this school a fair bit.

It also happens to be closer to my parents and family, so if I have to make a trip out there I'll try and time it for a day I'm working as I'm only 45mins away from them.

On Friday I knew I'd be able to get away from work early because we had the annual sports day at work. My husband had built a computer for my parents office so I made plans to drop it off.

It was about 4.30pm by the time I got to mum's office. I walked in through the roller door and headed towards the office, mum and one of the night shift employees were there talking. I dropped the box on the the counter and went to join them.

I said hi to mum and she turned to me and said "we were just talking about grandkids. J. keeps saying they're so expensive with all the latest toys they want. I told him I wouldn't know because neither you or your brother have given me any yet."

I was lost for words. All I could think was "YOU think they're expensive? You're not the one going through thousands of dollars of medical procedures to have them."

Then I got cranky. My parents are the only family members we've told about our infertility struggles. I confided in them, they know I'm having a lap later on this month. I had to walk away from mum and J. I used the excuse of getting a drink out of the fridge in the kitchen.

By the time I came back J had left and mum had no clue she'd said anything wrong.

It took a while for me to set up her computer, I had to back up a few programs on the old machine and load them onto the new one. By this stage it was just her and I left at the office. While we were waiting she asked about my surgery, I explained how one of my fallopian tubes is blocked and she asked "is that because you've had an ectopic pregnancy? Were you pregnant and didn't tell us?" I just said no and changed the subject.

It wasn't until I got home that what she'd said really hit home. Through my tears I told my husband what mum had said. He tried to reassure me that she didn't mean it, that it was a case of her putting her foot in her mouth. But that just made me cry harder.

I feel broken. Physically broken because my body can't do what it's supposed to be. Mentally broken because I no longer have the strength to deal with my insensitive family. Some days I just want to hide away with my husband and cats and pretend this isn't real.