It's New Years Eve and the husband is at work. I've got to run a few errands today before preparing our New Years Eve dinner.
In the past we would have fondue on new years eve. A rich cheesy fondue followed by a decadent dark chocolate one for dessert. But the last few years we've changed it up to homemade pizza for dinner. I make the dough from scratch and buy lots of different pizza toppings, last year I made sangria to go with the pizza but this year I can't be bothered so there's just a bottle of wine to toast with at midnight.
We live not far from the beach and our nearby beach is one of the locations they set off fireworks, so we'll probably walk down and watch the 9pm fireworks. Then come home and watch the midnight ones from our balcony with sparklers.
I am so glad to see 2013 go. It's been a long, tough year full of challenges. But all through these challenges our relationship has grown stronger, we've weathered them and supported each other through a pretty hard year.
The most emotionally (and financially) taxing challenge was our infertility. Seeing a FS for the first time, my lap/hyst and then diagnosis of endo and pco. Two failed IUIs and the husbands SA results slowly getting worse with each SA he does.
There's also been other health issues in the background, the husband has been struggling with anxiety and depression. A routine blood test showed elevated liver enzyme levels and he's had blood work and scans to keep an eye on it all. (So far it's still in the closely monitor catergory, if it gets worse he'll be having a biopsy). And we've both spent consideral amounts of time and money at the dentist.
And then there's work. I had to turn down a fantastic contract with a school I love, because it would've been impossible to do the IUIs and teach. Our FS clinic is 20mins south from where we live and the school is 1hr 10m drive north west from where we live. I just couldn't have blood work and scans done early enough to make it to work on time. And even if I had blood work done closer to the school, due to the opening hours I would still be late to work plus I would've had to pay extra lab fees.
My husbands job has continued to make life difficult as well. He's overworked, doing the job of three people now. There is talk and promises of hiring another person to help him, this time they've even gone as so far as to advertise for the role! But he doubts they will actually hire anyone.
Family wise, every one is well. There's been a few minor dramas and squabbles on both sides but everyone is healthy and happy.
2014 is bringing a fresh start for the husband and I. We're jumping into the world of IVF+ICSI. There's plans for the husband to look for another job and hopefully change jobs. We're going to work on our apartment, give it the fresh coat of paint it sorely needs and start saving for new flooring.
We're not making resolutions for 2014 but we are making plans and goals. Some that are easily attained and some that we're going to have to work for. I'm nervous and excited to see what 2014 brings us.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Friday, 20 December 2013
Sadness creeping in again
The closer it gets to Christmas the more sad I get. Not depressed, not down, just a little bit of sadness creeping in and taking the shine off all the Christmas festivities. The little thoughts of "that should be us"....."when will it be our turn"....."why not me"....
It doesn't help that we've now been trying for so long, that a few friends are now announcing their second pregnancies. That's been hard news to take.
I also had to see my GP today, just for a routine pap smear and to pick up a few scripts for my asthma medication. She asked how my asthma has been, and I mentioned that with the Gonal F I do wheeze a bit more so have been using my medication more than usual. But that it's still controlled and since we've been on a break from fertility treatments I haven't used my Ventolin at all.
She asked how I was coping, with the roller coaster of emotions. I was honest and told her it was hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. She was a bit concerned and let me know to come in again if I feel that I need to be referred to a psychologist.
I've battled with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I really value a GP who understands and is supportive. I don't think I'm at that stage, for a while after our second failed IUI it did cross my mind that maybe seeing a psychologist again might help. But looking back, I don't think I was depressed, I think I was just grieving and processing the news of the failure and having to move on to IVF.
And now it's the stress of Christmas and worrying about what other people will say to us on the day. Will there be prying questions? Will there be suggestions and the often heard "you just need to relax, go on a holiday!" Will I break down into tears when I see my husbands brother with his pregnant girlfriend and her son? How will I handle my family, who don't know how to be sensitive and tactful?
It doesn't help that we've now been trying for so long, that a few friends are now announcing their second pregnancies. That's been hard news to take.
I also had to see my GP today, just for a routine pap smear and to pick up a few scripts for my asthma medication. She asked how my asthma has been, and I mentioned that with the Gonal F I do wheeze a bit more so have been using my medication more than usual. But that it's still controlled and since we've been on a break from fertility treatments I haven't used my Ventolin at all.
She asked how I was coping, with the roller coaster of emotions. I was honest and told her it was hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. She was a bit concerned and let me know to come in again if I feel that I need to be referred to a psychologist.
I've battled with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I really value a GP who understands and is supportive. I don't think I'm at that stage, for a while after our second failed IUI it did cross my mind that maybe seeing a psychologist again might help. But looking back, I don't think I was depressed, I think I was just grieving and processing the news of the failure and having to move on to IVF.
And now it's the stress of Christmas and worrying about what other people will say to us on the day. Will there be prying questions? Will there be suggestions and the often heard "you just need to relax, go on a holiday!" Will I break down into tears when I see my husbands brother with his pregnant girlfriend and her son? How will I handle my family, who don't know how to be sensitive and tactful?
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Argh, health insurance!
I live in Australia and our IUI's were paid for partly by Medicare (our universal health care scheme) and the rest was out of pocket. Medicare paid for roughly half. But my husband and I also have private health insurance which covers mostly in hospital procedures (in a private hospital which means little to no waiting as in a public hospital some procedures have a wait of years) and a few extras like dental, optical, plus some appointments with specialists.
When I had my lap in July, Medicare paid for part of it, our health insurance paid for the other part of it and the rest was out of pocket. When we had our IVF education meeting with our nurse she gave us the price list and told me to call our private health insurance as they might cover some parts of it.
That was way back in early November. I've put it off for ages, partly because I was still sad and trying to deal with moving on to IVF and partly because I hate making phone calls. But I sucked up and this morning got out the costings booklet from our fertility clinic and rang our health insurance.
I sat on hold for 15mins before talking to the most rude and incompetent woman. I explained that we're moving on to IVF and that I had item numbers from my clinic, I needed her to look up the item numbers and see if they're covered under our policy.
She told me that yes, our coverage covers all infertility treatments. That surprised me, so I explained we'd already done two IUI's this year and asked if they were covered. She said yes they were covered and asked which hospital they were done at. It was then I knew this conversation was going to be painful. She kept insisting that they were done at a hospital and I kept explaining that no, they weren't done at a hospital, they were done at a fertility clinic. She asked for the name of the fertility clinic and then told me that our clinic doesn't exist.
After the third time I stopped her and explained exactly what an IUI is and why it's not done in a hospital. She put me on hold and asked her supervisor, then came back to me and said no, it's not covered.
Then I asked her if our IVF would be covered, once again she rattled off her spiel about how all infertility treatments are covered, I stopped her right there and told her that's not true because you didn't cover our two IUI's!
I had six item numbers and all I wanted to know was if they were covered! But she didn't want to look them up on the computer system so instead we went around and around until I asked to talk to someone else. Once I said that she asked for the item numbers and looked them up. Argh! Talk about fustrating. Turns out they will cover a portion of our egg pick up, embryo transfer and ICSI fees. They'll also cover part of the anesthetists fee and the operating theatre fees. But they won't cover the cost of medications, the scans or or management fees.
Holy cow was it hard getting that information out of her. They don't make this easy, we pay thousands of dollars for private health insurance but when it comes time to claim it's like jumping through hoops.
I know it's worse in other countries and I'm so thankful we live in Australia and thankful that we can afford private health insurance. But it just seems like everything to do with infertility is a battle, even just finding out the cost of the treatments.
When I had my lap in July, Medicare paid for part of it, our health insurance paid for the other part of it and the rest was out of pocket. When we had our IVF education meeting with our nurse she gave us the price list and told me to call our private health insurance as they might cover some parts of it.
That was way back in early November. I've put it off for ages, partly because I was still sad and trying to deal with moving on to IVF and partly because I hate making phone calls. But I sucked up and this morning got out the costings booklet from our fertility clinic and rang our health insurance.
I sat on hold for 15mins before talking to the most rude and incompetent woman. I explained that we're moving on to IVF and that I had item numbers from my clinic, I needed her to look up the item numbers and see if they're covered under our policy.
She told me that yes, our coverage covers all infertility treatments. That surprised me, so I explained we'd already done two IUI's this year and asked if they were covered. She said yes they were covered and asked which hospital they were done at. It was then I knew this conversation was going to be painful. She kept insisting that they were done at a hospital and I kept explaining that no, they weren't done at a hospital, they were done at a fertility clinic. She asked for the name of the fertility clinic and then told me that our clinic doesn't exist.
After the third time I stopped her and explained exactly what an IUI is and why it's not done in a hospital. She put me on hold and asked her supervisor, then came back to me and said no, it's not covered.
Then I asked her if our IVF would be covered, once again she rattled off her spiel about how all infertility treatments are covered, I stopped her right there and told her that's not true because you didn't cover our two IUI's!
I had six item numbers and all I wanted to know was if they were covered! But she didn't want to look them up on the computer system so instead we went around and around until I asked to talk to someone else. Once I said that she asked for the item numbers and looked them up. Argh! Talk about fustrating. Turns out they will cover a portion of our egg pick up, embryo transfer and ICSI fees. They'll also cover part of the anesthetists fee and the operating theatre fees. But they won't cover the cost of medications, the scans or or management fees.
Holy cow was it hard getting that information out of her. They don't make this easy, we pay thousands of dollars for private health insurance but when it comes time to claim it's like jumping through hoops.
I know it's worse in other countries and I'm so thankful we live in Australia and thankful that we can afford private health insurance. But it just seems like everything to do with infertility is a battle, even just finding out the cost of the treatments.
Friday, 6 December 2013
Proud moments
This week has been pretty good. Three times there's been incidents where previously I would've wound up in tears, but I handled all of them reasonably well. I'm quite proud of the way I've handled these moments.
The first was while I was at work. It's summer here which means a lot of schools are doing swimming lessons. One of the little girls in my class wanted to sit next to me on the bus ride to the swim centre, she was asking me all these questions and one of them was if I had any kids. I said no and then told her about my two cats and she then told me about her pet chooks, called Barbecue and Casserole.
But I didn't get upset, or have a moment of "oh crap, how do I answer this?!" when I was asked about kids.
Then today, I was visiting my parents at work and a friend of mums came into the office and asked when I'm going to make mum a grandparent. Mum turned to me and said "yeah Donna, when am I getting grandkids?" I was so angry at her. She knows of our struggles and this is not the first time she's answered this way. I just replied that "you can't rush these things" and walked out. I didn't mention it again but I wasn't hurt or upset. Just cranky.
The other moment was tonight. We live really close to a child care centre, it's across the road from our apartment building's main lobby. We're on a corner block, the entrance I usually use is the driveway which is around the corner from the lobby, so I rarely notice the child care centre. Every year they have their Christmas concert and play Christmas Carols, have Santa arrive on a fire truck and there's a sausage sizzle. Last year the sound of their Christmas music made me dissolve into tears and lock myself in our bedroom listing to my ipod so I couldn't hear the little kids singing.
But this year I just had one pang of "oh, Christmas would be so much more fun with a child of our own" and then I just went on with my afternoon and evening. It was sweet hearing the cries of Santa! and the little kids singing Jingle Bells.
I'm quite proud of the way I've handled the last few days. I know that this probably won't last and in a few days or a week I'll be back to having teary moments. But for now I'm glad I'm not letting the negativity and bitterness that often comes along with infertility control my emotions.
The first was while I was at work. It's summer here which means a lot of schools are doing swimming lessons. One of the little girls in my class wanted to sit next to me on the bus ride to the swim centre, she was asking me all these questions and one of them was if I had any kids. I said no and then told her about my two cats and she then told me about her pet chooks, called Barbecue and Casserole.
But I didn't get upset, or have a moment of "oh crap, how do I answer this?!" when I was asked about kids.
Then today, I was visiting my parents at work and a friend of mums came into the office and asked when I'm going to make mum a grandparent. Mum turned to me and said "yeah Donna, when am I getting grandkids?" I was so angry at her. She knows of our struggles and this is not the first time she's answered this way. I just replied that "you can't rush these things" and walked out. I didn't mention it again but I wasn't hurt or upset. Just cranky.
The other moment was tonight. We live really close to a child care centre, it's across the road from our apartment building's main lobby. We're on a corner block, the entrance I usually use is the driveway which is around the corner from the lobby, so I rarely notice the child care centre. Every year they have their Christmas concert and play Christmas Carols, have Santa arrive on a fire truck and there's a sausage sizzle. Last year the sound of their Christmas music made me dissolve into tears and lock myself in our bedroom listing to my ipod so I couldn't hear the little kids singing.
But this year I just had one pang of "oh, Christmas would be so much more fun with a child of our own" and then I just went on with my afternoon and evening. It was sweet hearing the cries of Santa! and the little kids singing Jingle Bells.
I'm quite proud of the way I've handled the last few days. I know that this probably won't last and in a few days or a week I'll be back to having teary moments. But for now I'm glad I'm not letting the negativity and bitterness that often comes along with infertility control my emotions.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Rested and ready
I've really enjoyed this break while we're waiting to start IVF. No early morning trips to the fertility clinic for blood tests and scans. No injections and medications. It's been a quiet few weeks and without all the added stress it's been good to take time and just relax.
When I first found out that our last IUI cycle had failed and we had to move on to IVF I had so many doubts and questions. Part of me wondered if this was a sign to stop ttc. I was scared of moving on to IVF, I hate going under general anesthetic and my clinic only does egg pick ups under a general. With the IUIs I was on a relatively small FSH dose, for IVF it will be doubled and the potential side effects make me nervous. Not to mention the cost and how we'd pay for it.
It's been five weeks since the negative beta and I feel rested and ready to move on to IVF. I'm really looking forward to starting the next cycle in the new year.
When I first found out that our last IUI cycle had failed and we had to move on to IVF I had so many doubts and questions. Part of me wondered if this was a sign to stop ttc. I was scared of moving on to IVF, I hate going under general anesthetic and my clinic only does egg pick ups under a general. With the IUIs I was on a relatively small FSH dose, for IVF it will be doubled and the potential side effects make me nervous. Not to mention the cost and how we'd pay for it.
It's been five weeks since the negative beta and I feel rested and ready to move on to IVF. I'm really looking forward to starting the next cycle in the new year.
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