The closer it gets to Christmas the more sad I get. Not depressed, not down, just a little bit of sadness creeping in and taking the shine off all the Christmas festivities. The little thoughts of "that should be us"....."when will it be our turn"....."why not me"....
It doesn't help that we've now been trying for so long, that a few friends are now announcing their second pregnancies. That's been hard news to take.
I also had to see my GP today, just for a routine pap smear and to pick up a few scripts for my asthma medication. She asked how my asthma has been, and I mentioned that with the Gonal F I do wheeze a bit more so have been using my medication more than usual. But that it's still controlled and since we've been on a break from fertility treatments I haven't used my Ventolin at all.
She asked how I was coping, with the roller coaster of emotions. I was honest and told her it was hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. She was a bit concerned and let me know to come in again if I feel that I need to be referred to a psychologist.
I've battled with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I really value a GP who understands and is supportive. I don't think I'm at that stage, for a while after our second failed IUI it did cross my mind that maybe seeing a psychologist again might help. But looking back, I don't think I was depressed, I think I was just grieving and processing the news of the failure and having to move on to IVF.
And now it's the stress of Christmas and worrying about what other people will say to us on the day. Will there be prying questions? Will there be suggestions and the often heard "you just need to relax, go on a holiday!" Will I break down into tears when I see my husbands brother with his pregnant girlfriend and her son? How will I handle my family, who don't know how to be sensitive and tactful?
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