Dr Google and money worries

I had a great weekend. I went away on my own, it's something I like to do about twice a year. I've always needed time on my own and a break from the usual routine. My husband is the same, except he goes off to Lan parties about once every six weeks.

I love driving so I'll usually just head off down the coast. I went to uni a few hours south of where we live and it's such a beautiful place. I just need a break to recharge. This time I went down to Byron Bay. I spent some time at the beach, I read a few books and collected a few shells and pebbles. I took myself out and had fish and chips for lunch.

I sent texts to a friend I hadn't heard from in a while and spent a few hours on the phone with another friend. I know it's all things I could do from home but the change of scenery was much needed!

But when I got home Sunday night, reality started to hit home. Monday was worse. I spent far too much time on google trying to second guess the results of our tests that we got on Thursday. I tried so hard to stay away from google but I couldn't help it.

And the more I googled, the worse I felt. I got caught in a circle of googling one thing after another. All these worse case scenarios kept turning up. Then I started researching the cost of the various treatments.

We're fortunate that we have private health insurance so we don't have to go on the public waiting list. For our state the waiting list is around 18 months to see a fertility specialist. With private health insurance the waiting is only a matter of weeks. But PHI doesn't cover everything. There's still so many things that aren't covered.

I know the first thing we've got to do is register for the Medicare Saftey Net. (Once your health costs reach a certain limit in a calendar year, then the rest of them are discounted. I think this year it's around $1300 before the safety net kicks in. This includes most medications on the PBS and certain doctors appointment.) But in the past we've never spent that much on medication or appointments. The most I spend on medications is about half the limit.

So in order to register for the safety net do that I've got to track down our Centrelink  reference numbers. I know we both had them at some stage, because we both received Austudy assistance when we were at uni. But that was over 7 years ago for me and well over 10 years for my husband so I'm pretty sure we're both going to have to call Centrelink and sit on hold for ages.

Once we qualify for the safety net, we're still looking at being out of pocket between $2000 -$3000 a cycle. We really don't have that kind of money just laying around. We pay extra on our mortgage which means we can always redraw the extra money at any time but I don't feel comfortable doing that. I'm receiving around $8000 from a family trust in a few months time, but we've already got that money ear marked to do some much needed repairs and renovations to our apartment.

It just makes me worry, which makes me teary. I think I spent most of Monday crying on and off. Everything set me off. I just wish I had someone close to me who had been through this and I could talk to. I'm someone who needs to talk through difficult things. It helps me process what's going on.

And while I love my husband, sometimes he just doesn't get it and doesn't get that I need to talk. He's such the opposite to me and takes a lot of things in his stride where as I analysis and over analysis everything.  I know he tries hard to listen and be supportive. 

I just don't know where to go from here. Do we give it a few more months trying on our own and wait until we're made it through July which is when we have a lot of big bills due? Or do we go now and get a more definite list of fees? Or do we just jump in at the deep end and say screw it, that's what credit cards are for?

I just don't know and I feel a bit lost.

Results

Today is Anzac day and a public holiday. I rang the medical centre yesterday to see if they were open today and they were. So first thing this morning, my husband and I went off to the doctors to get the results of our tests. I'd had an ultrasound last month as well as blood tests at 7dpo and cd1. My husband had also dropped off his sample for his seminal analysis.

I was quite anxious about these results, I didn't really sleep well last night and nearly put off going to the doctors for another week. But I'm glad we went today, when my husband has the day off as well.

The results weren't that great. They weren't bad, but they weren't where they should be. My husbands motility and morphology levels were just below the lower range of normal.

My ultrasound showed that my ovaries have the classic look of PCOS, covered in little bubbles is how Dr D explained it. The 7dpo blood test results were good, I did ovulate this cycle so that's one good thing. Even if it was on cd24.

But my cd1 test didn't show what Dr D expected. My hormone levels weren't where she expected they should be. While the ultrasound is showing I have PCOS my hormone levels aren't confirming it.

Dr D explained that the next step for us is to see a Fertility Specialist. She gave us a copy of all of our results plus a referral for each of us to see Dr S who works at one of the two fertility clinics nearby.

While I was sort of expecting that we'd be given the referral, it still shook me. It's a lot to think about. I want a baby so so badly, but I never expected it would come down to having to seek help.

Surprisingly, my husband is handling this fine, he hates doctors and dentists and anything medical. I really thought he'd say "well, maybe we need to have one or two more months at trying on our own first".  I'm the one that wants to cry and mope over it. I'm the one that is still holding out hope that we'll fall pregnant on our own without any help.

I'm not sure what to do next. I know there's a waiting list to see Dr S, he's quite a popular fertility specialist. But I still want to give us one more month. I'm not going to call and make the appointment until later next week. I know it sounds strange, someone who wants a baby so badly is unsure about making the appointment with the FS. But I just need a few days to think about this and come to terms with it.

Cranky nurse strikes again, blood test #2

After a few days of spotting my period turned up, which meant I could finally go and get this last blood test done. I went to the lab at my doctors surgery and the same nurse was working again.

This time she didn't repeatedly ask me if I'm pregnant. Instead she just couldn't find a vein. I'd done everything right, I drank heaps of water before hand. I'd eaten a decent sized lunch and also taken my packet of lifesavers with me. If it's not a fasting blood test I like to have one or two lollies before and after the blood test, it's just a bit of a distraction.

I know that sometimes it can be hard to find a vein on me, but I've never had a nurse or tech tell me that can't do the blood test today and to come back in a few days. She'd only checked one arm, and then only had one attempt. When I told her that I couldn't come back in a few days because the test had to be done on this day of my cycle, she just told me to come back tomorrow.

I don't mind if they have to dig around to find the vein or have a few attempts. Just let me know so I know that it's going to hurt. It's a blood test, I don't expect it to be painless.

I went home and rang mum for advice. When I saw mum and dad over the weekend to do the car swap, I didn't mention that my husband and I were ttc. When the topic of a new car came up, I just mentioned that next time around, I would probably go for a car that's slightly bigger. They didn't question it and I didn't have to explain why.

So today I told mum what happened with the nurse and mum told me to ring around and find another QML lab nearby and go to there instead. Which is exactly what I did. I ended up going down to the specialist lab down at the private hospital, it's where we had to go when my husband had to do his test.

The girl there was lovely, she had to poke and prod at my arm a lot but eventually she got enough blood for the test. When I got home I rang mum to update her and let her know that the other lab had done the trick. It was then that she asked what the test was for. I could hear it in her voice, the hopefulness. She so badly wants to be a grandmother. Probably as much as I want to be pregnant and a mother. When I told mum it was a hormone and iron study I could her the little bit of sadness, nearly disappointment in her voice. She hid it quickly and changed the topic but I still heard it.

That kills me, I wasn't at all upset about my period arriving until I heard mums voice. I know she was waiting for me to say the test is because I'm pregnant.

First I can't get pregnant, now it's a struggle to even get blood from me to find out why. I had a bit of a teary moment this afternoon, but it wasn't for long.

Tonight I've got to sit down with my husband and work out a time to go and see the doctor. The results of todays blood work will be in by lunch time Wednesday. So we'd planned to go to the doctor on Thursday morning before work. 

But Thursday is a public holiday for Anzac day, so I'm not even sure if the medical centre is open, or if my doctor is working. I'll have to call tomorrow and find out. I really would like to know the results of all these tests and scans.

Not our month.. and car talk

I had a pretty big temperature drop this morning and tonight I've had some spotting. I'm pretty sure that this isn't our month. It means we won't have a 2013 baby.

And surprisingly I'm ok with that this month. We only got the one chance during my fertile time. Sometimes that happens. My husband working super long hours and was quite stressed with work. I had a migraine which left me in pain and just out of sorts. There were just things against us. Life just got in the way of ttc and our usual every second day routine during my fertile times.

While it does rule our a 2013 baby, it also means we won't get the comments about having a baby around New Years and how it's too close to Christmas. A lot of people just don't have a filter, I found that out when I had my 7dpo blood work.

My parents are those kinds of people. No filter at all, just loud speak first, think second. I still remember when I turned 29 and my dad telling me that I was now the same age that he was when I was born. And that if we were going to have a family we'd better get to it.

He's also the same person who commented that a friend of mine left it too long between her kids. She does have an age gap of six years, but it took three years for her to fall pregnant with her second baby. 

I'm expecting my period to be here tomorrow. Which throws a spanner in the works of having my last lot of blood work on CD1, as all the labs are closed tomorrow. Oh well, a CD2 blood test on Monday will just have to do. The tests are just for my regular GP, last month when I saw her, she explained that after we've had these tests done then she can give us a referral to a fertility specialist.

But before I have this last blood test done, I need to go and see my parents. You see, our car is playing up a bit. My father is a mechanic and my parents own a garage. So tomorrow I'm going to drive up to see my parents, drop off my little green car and pick up their spare car.

We're extremely lucky that dad looks after our car (as well as my brother's car and my sister in law's car). I've always driven older cars and my car is getting to the age when we usually replace it. It's not dangerous, it's quite safe and there's no major problems with it. There's just lots of little things that need fixing or replacing. And in the last two days another little issue has popped up. It's reaching the point where Dad will probably tell me that it's time to retire our little green car. If not now, then in the next few months.

In the past I've just given mum and dad a price range and said that it has to be a four door sedan, manual and can't be yellow. Then dad has found a few cars for me to test drive and I choose one and we buy it. (I know my husband should be part of the car buying process but early on in our relationship we struck a deal. I look after car stuff, he looks after all the computer stuff. And it works well!) But this time, because this will be the car we put baby seats in and will probably last us for about five or so years I want something a bit different.

I'm going to be a bit more picky so it might take us a bit longer to find something for the right price. I don't want the car seat anchors in stupid spots (two of our friends  have a hatch backs, and in both, the car seat anchor points are in the back of the hatch. Meaning that the straps are in the way and you lose most of the boot space).

Preferably I want something a little bit bigger than our current small four door sedan. I don't want an SVU or a wagon, one of those will just not fit in our car space. But I also want another manual car, I know automatics are much more common in the medium and larger sized sedans but I've never owned an auto and I much prefer the fuel economy of a manual. 

So if dad is going to start looking for cars that I can test drive, I'm going to have to tell him and mum that we're trying to start a family. Otherwise he'll try and talk me into getting a smaller car again.  

But by telling mum and dad, that means that every one in my family will know that we're trying within a week. I've avoided telling them because it opens us up to pressure and prying questions. But it might be time to tell them. Especially if we'll be getting the referral to the fertility specialist soon.

It might be good to actually be able to talk to mum about Dr's appointments and things. Mum was the one who came with me when I had my laparoscopy to remove cysts in 2002. So she might even remember some things I've forgotten about the surgery and what the specialist said back then.

Worst blood test ever

Blood tests freak me out a little bit. I am quite an anxious person and it's the lead up to the blood test that is the part I don't handle well. I get so worked up that I hold my breath in anticipation of the sting of the needle and sometimes faint.

The last few I've had done haven't been too bad. The phlebotomists at the lab are lovely, they talk to me and tell me to breathe which helps a lot with my anxiety.

Yesterday was 7dpo, and my Dr had given me a referral for a 7dpo blood test. So before my dentists appointment I went to the pathology lab. Both phlebotomists were with a patient when I arrived so I just took a number and sat down in the waiting room. There must've been a problem with one of the patients (I think the person before me must've fainted) so the nurse practitioner who works there did my blood test.

She started with barking questions at me.
"Are you pregnant?"
"Why is Dr D testing you for immunities as well as hormones if you're not pregnant?"
"Seven day past ovulation test? I've never heard of that!"
"How long have you been trying? Thirty years ago, my first son was a honeymoon baby. People put off having children for far too long if you ask me"
"What are these notes on the back of the referral, why does it say around cycle day 28? I thought you said it was a a 7dpo test. That should be day 21, not day 28!"

Oh my god. At first I wanted to die from embarrassment, I don't know how many times I had to say "No, I'm not pregnant" then by the end of it I was so angry I just wanted her to shut up and get the test over and done with. It was the worse blood test I've had, including the one where I embarrassed myself by fainting as I was walking out of the lab, hitting my head and making everyone at the lab panic.

"I'm not pregnant" I really hate saying those words.  It hurts me to say those words. So usually I tell my husband that it's not our month. Or that my period arrived. Or I say it in a way that is kinder to myself. Even if I'm ok with my period arriving that month, saying those three words will make me break down and cry every single time. 

I'm glad that I finally ovulated this month and had the blood test done. Just one more test to go on cycle day 1 and then a few days later my husband and I will go back and see Dr D and get the results of the blood work, my scan and my husbands sample. 

Keeping the ttc secret

Tomorrow my parents, brother and sister in law are coming down to go out for lunch. My husband and I live on the Gold Coast and my parents still live in the small town I grew up in. My brother and sis in law live just a little bit closer to us, but he's still over an hour drive from here. 

While I make the trek up to see my parents at least once a month, it's pretty rare they come down here. It makes me kind of sad because they often make the 20 min drive to see my brother but we live just a bit too far away. Dad is often down here on the coast, he's got a boat and is an avid fisherman. And I've offered to drive up and meet him at the boat ramp he goes to but he never calls to let me know when he's on the coast.

I love my family and I'm quite close to all of them. I also love entertaining, I'm quite happy to organise and host a lunch or dinner. But our apartment is just too small. Neither my parents nor my brother really like the details of organising a get together and it's always the same. Barbecue with steak, chicken skewers and rissoles, with mums potato and pasta salad. I'm seriously sick to death of the same food each time we have a casual lunch. I always bring the dessert and like to change it up, try different things.

But tomorrow they're all coming down here! We're going out for lunch at one of my favourite restaurants at the marina. It's a belated birthday lunch out to celebrate my birthday from last month. Then we'll all come back here for coffee and if they feel like it, cake! Sometimes we order dessert sometimes we have dessert at home. Either way I've made a cake and if we have dessert at lunch then I'll send some home with them for later.

I'm really excited. I've got the cake cooling on the bench and I've been tidying up the house. I just have to fill and ice the cake, vacuum the carpet and do a quick tidy up of the main bathroom.

I've made sure to hide any signs of ttc, I've hidden my prenatal vitamins in a box in one of the cupboards above the fridge. My opks usually sit out on the shelf in the bathroom and I've packed them up and hidden them in my dresser drawer. A sweet online friend sent me a card wishing me lots of baby dust, I've had that displayed on my fridge and took that down and put it away in the filing cabinet. I've put all my pathology referrals away in the filing cabinet too.  And in the morning I'll make sure my thermometer isn't sitting on my bedside table and instead is put away in the bathroom drawer. 

I hate keeping ttc a secret from my family. But I know if I don't they'll be asking if I'm pregnant in every phone call and email. My family is hopeless with secrets. A secret will last all of three minutes before someone calls and shares the news. They mean well, but they're huge gossips! And once a secret is told to my parents or brother and sis in law, it doesn't take long before that secret filters down to the extended family who live interstate and family friends. 

A few of our friends do know we're ttc. One is couple, R &R who we see once every few months (he works away two weeks at a time, then home two weeks), they've got a 18 month old daugther who is the sweetest little thing! And the wives of my husbands Lan friends know as I confided in one of them at the last big get together on Australia Day. I knew that they'd been down the ivf path and I just had a couple of questions about how long they'd been trying before before seeing a doctor. 

But all our other family and friends? They're being kept in the dark. We are about the last of all of our friends to start a family, but we were also one of the last couples to get married too. 

I don't like keeping this secret, it's not in my nature to keep something big like this quiet. I just keeping hoping that I'll get a bfp soon and then we'll be able to share the wonderful news with everyone. 

A trip to the dentist

For give me if there are any typos or other issues with this post. I'm on my phone and using the blogger app for the first time.

For a few weeks the gap between two of my back molars has felt a bit odd. There was absolutely no pain or sensitivity so I didn't think anything of it. Until I bit down on a raw carrot yesterday and there was a tiny little shooting pain that made me go 'hmm, isn't that near the teeth that feel funny when I floss?'

I rang the dentist straight away. In the past I've always travelled the hour and a half back to my home down to visit the dentist there. But I know it can take a few weeks to get an appointment. So I thought I'd try the dentist at the medical centre where my Dr is. Luckily they could fit me in the next day. (And had a special on for a free check up and polish if you have private health insurance so I made my husband and appointment after work too!)

I went there today and she noticed the cavity straight away. It was between two teeth. I'm quite lucky with my teeth, apart from having braces as a kid, I've only ever had one large filling that required an injection. Unfortunately, that tooth that had previously had the large filling was one of the teeth involved in this new cavity.

I was a bit iffy with having X-rays as I'm currently in the tww, but as the dentist explained, it's best to get this fixed now.

So they did two X-rays and found another cavity on the other side. But I'll go back next week to have that one taken care of.

I'd skipped lunch due to the time of the appointment. I hadn't realized that I'd probably have a numb face and wouldn't be able to eat after my appointment. Bad mistake.

And then afterwards I got all creeped out by the numb face and did the only think I could think of. Call my mum. Who just went on to laugh at me! Thanks a lot mum!

Once the anesthetic started to wear off it was close to dinner time, so I cooked dinner and ate it before my husband got home. I just couldn't wait any longer. I was starving!

But it was after dinner and while it was my husbands turn at the dentist that my mouth started to hurt. I had hardly any pain before the filling! I didn't expect to be in pain afterwards!

I know this filling was deep. It was actually on the two molars and had eroded away at the tooth under the old filling. But I didn't expect my teeth involved to be in pain or sensitive. Nor did I expect my jaw to hurt from having to have my mouth open for so long.

I broke down and took two panadol tonight. Then I went to bed early. But after a few hours here I am, wide away. Apparently if I fall asleep before 10pm my body just thinks I'm napping and wakes up again, instead of sleeping the night through.

The panadol has worn off too. So I've taken two panadeine tablets. I don't like to take any pain killers in the tww but I don't see myself getting any sleep unless I do. Panadeine is paracetamol with codeine. It isn't prescription and I just buy it over the counter from the chemist. I really felt uneasy about taking it but the information leaflet says its fine to take during pregnancy so I figure it must be ok to take during the tww.

I'm probably being over cautious. We only had the opportunity once during my fertile period this month. And if previous months of every second day haven't worked, than I highly doubt once will be the trick.

Ovulation pain and mood swings

Am I the only one that gets pre-ovulation mood swings? They're not as bad as pms. It's just a few days of mild irritability and a few hours of crankyness.

On Friday night I was bored out of my mind. Instead of sitting down on the couch after dinner and relaxing, I scrubbed the heck out of the kitchen. Then moved on to the washing. All the clean washing was folded and put away as soon as it came out of the dryer (usually it hangs around for a day or two before I get to it) I even ironed the sheets and quilt cover before I put them on the bed!

Then yesterday I was having a cranky moment about my husband being a pain. He was cracking bad jokes and just being silly, and I wasn't having any of it. It wasn't until I tested and got a nice positive opk that it started to make sense.

Tonight I'm having some serious ovulation pain. It's not as if I'm doubled up in pain, it's just a persistent achy crampy feeling that's worse when I'm sitting up or laying on my side. This is pretty late in the cycle for me to be ovulating too. It's cycle day 24, my norm is around cd 19-21. But last month was cd 25.

All I know is that now I've ovulated I can go and have my 7dpo blood test done. Coincidently we got the pathology bill in the post today for my husbands test last month. We were originally told it would be around $55. Nope, not quite, the bill is for $95. I'm going to call our private health insurance tomorrow to see if it's covered, but I've got a feeling that it's not. Luckily my blood tests are bulk billed to Medicare, I love that the doctor I go to is at a bulk billing medical centre and there's no gap fee! Even better when the small pathology lab there bulk bills too!

But for now, I've made a cup of chamomile tea and I'm about to go lay in bed with my hot water bottle.

Easter lunch #1 and #2

Easter is over for another year. We saw my family first. Over the last few years my family has been getting together to do Easter on the Saturday. It's just what works best for everyone. Some years my brother has to work or is on call on the Sunday. This year he's on call on today (Monday) and my sister in law has to work on today too, but I think she said she'll be working from home.

It works out well for us too, it means that on Easter Sunday we go to Easter lunch with my husbands family. They tend to do a much bigger lunch with lots of chocolates and eggs. Although, over the years they've started to scale back the chocolate. Which is good, because when you receive over a kilogram of chocolate, it's way too much!

I was not looking forward to either Easter lunches. I was dreading my family lunch because a few weeks ago when I was up seeing my parents and getting my car serviced, I called in to see my brother on the way home.

It was February last year when I gave my brother the heads up that my husband and I would probably be going to start trying for a baby in a few months. He's the only one I told and it was purely so he could tell his girlfriend. I love his girlfriend, she's like a sister to me! (She's the sister in law I made the owl cake for.) But my brother can be a bit of a jerk and he's a bit afraid of commitment. While he and my sister in law have been together for 13 years now and own a house together, they aren't married or even engaged. My sister in law would love to be married but my brother doesn't want it. I know it's caused her heartache in the past, so I wanted her to know in advance that my husband and I were ttc. I didn't want it to be a shock or surprise, I've been in that position of wanting something badly and my partner not being on the same page, and having to feign excitement when inside all I want to do is cry.

So when I saw them last month, my brother asked if hubby and I were trying, but all I could say was "I'm not talking about that" and change the subject. I was expecting the subject to come up again at Easter. My family is loud, obnoxious and secrets last for maybe 5 seconds. They're also not afraid of ganging up on someone to get the gossip or a juicy secret. But it didn't happen this Easter. Instead mum decided to focus on my sister in law, telling her that while the grand-pugs are cute, one day she expects grandchildren!

But there was still one more family lunch to get through. My husbands family are large, he's one of three siblings. And family lunches involve his immediate family, his grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and partners and the cousins children.

I don't always see eye to eye with my husbands grandfather. And true to form, within two minutes of arriving, he'd told me I was feeding my husband too much, implying that I'm making him fat. He usually then goes on to tell me that I should be working full time or giving him great-grandsons, but he skipped that part this time.

But it wasn't the grandfather in law I was dreading. It was seeing my husbands youngest cousin, his girlfriend and their newborn baby girl. I wasn't sure how I'd go seeing the baby. She was born exactly 9 months after we started trying. My husbands cousin and partner were just one of the many couples we know who have fallen pregnant since we've started trying.

But I was fine! I even held her a few times. She's such a tiny little thing. I came close to tearing up once, but managed to stop myself. I think it helped that there were a few dramas going on with my other sister in law (my hubby's sister) and I was trying to talk to my mother in law about it without anyone else catching on to our conversation.

I was also fully expecting the "babies are catching! You'll be next!" from my in laws, but that wasn't said either!

And now I can breathe a sigh of relief. Easter is over, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and the rude comments were kept to a minimum.