It's New Years Eve and the husband is at work. I've got to run a few errands today before preparing our New Years Eve dinner.
In the past we would have fondue on new years eve. A rich cheesy fondue followed by a decadent dark chocolate one for dessert. But the last few years we've changed it up to homemade pizza for dinner. I make the dough from scratch and buy lots of different pizza toppings, last year I made sangria to go with the pizza but this year I can't be bothered so there's just a bottle of wine to toast with at midnight.
We live not far from the beach and our nearby beach is one of the locations they set off fireworks, so we'll probably walk down and watch the 9pm fireworks. Then come home and watch the midnight ones from our balcony with sparklers.
I am so glad to see 2013 go. It's been a long, tough year full of challenges. But all through these challenges our relationship has grown stronger, we've weathered them and supported each other through a pretty hard year.
The most emotionally (and financially) taxing challenge was our infertility. Seeing a FS for the first time, my lap/hyst and then diagnosis of endo and pco. Two failed IUIs and the husbands SA results slowly getting worse with each SA he does.
There's also been other health issues in the background, the husband has been struggling with anxiety and depression. A routine blood test showed elevated liver enzyme levels and he's had blood work and scans to keep an eye on it all. (So far it's still in the closely monitor catergory, if it gets worse he'll be having a biopsy). And we've both spent consideral amounts of time and money at the dentist.
And then there's work. I had to turn down a fantastic contract with a school I love, because it would've been impossible to do the IUIs and teach. Our FS clinic is 20mins south from where we live and the school is 1hr 10m drive north west from where we live. I just couldn't have blood work and scans done early enough to make it to work on time. And even if I had blood work done closer to the school, due to the opening hours I would still be late to work plus I would've had to pay extra lab fees.
My husbands job has continued to make life difficult as well. He's overworked, doing the job of three people now. There is talk and promises of hiring another person to help him, this time they've even gone as so far as to advertise for the role! But he doubts they will actually hire anyone.
Family wise, every one is well. There's been a few minor dramas and squabbles on both sides but everyone is healthy and happy.
2014 is bringing a fresh start for the husband and I. We're jumping into the world of IVF+ICSI. There's plans for the husband to look for another job and hopefully change jobs. We're going to work on our apartment, give it the fresh coat of paint it sorely needs and start saving for new flooring.
We're not making resolutions for 2014 but we are making plans and goals. Some that are easily attained and some that we're going to have to work for. I'm nervous and excited to see what 2014 brings us.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Friday, 20 December 2013
Sadness creeping in again
The closer it gets to Christmas the more sad I get. Not depressed, not down, just a little bit of sadness creeping in and taking the shine off all the Christmas festivities. The little thoughts of "that should be us"....."when will it be our turn"....."why not me"....
It doesn't help that we've now been trying for so long, that a few friends are now announcing their second pregnancies. That's been hard news to take.
I also had to see my GP today, just for a routine pap smear and to pick up a few scripts for my asthma medication. She asked how my asthma has been, and I mentioned that with the Gonal F I do wheeze a bit more so have been using my medication more than usual. But that it's still controlled and since we've been on a break from fertility treatments I haven't used my Ventolin at all.
She asked how I was coping, with the roller coaster of emotions. I was honest and told her it was hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. She was a bit concerned and let me know to come in again if I feel that I need to be referred to a psychologist.
I've battled with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I really value a GP who understands and is supportive. I don't think I'm at that stage, for a while after our second failed IUI it did cross my mind that maybe seeing a psychologist again might help. But looking back, I don't think I was depressed, I think I was just grieving and processing the news of the failure and having to move on to IVF.
And now it's the stress of Christmas and worrying about what other people will say to us on the day. Will there be prying questions? Will there be suggestions and the often heard "you just need to relax, go on a holiday!" Will I break down into tears when I see my husbands brother with his pregnant girlfriend and her son? How will I handle my family, who don't know how to be sensitive and tactful?
It doesn't help that we've now been trying for so long, that a few friends are now announcing their second pregnancies. That's been hard news to take.
I also had to see my GP today, just for a routine pap smear and to pick up a few scripts for my asthma medication. She asked how my asthma has been, and I mentioned that with the Gonal F I do wheeze a bit more so have been using my medication more than usual. But that it's still controlled and since we've been on a break from fertility treatments I haven't used my Ventolin at all.
She asked how I was coping, with the roller coaster of emotions. I was honest and told her it was hard, mentally, physically and emotionally. She was a bit concerned and let me know to come in again if I feel that I need to be referred to a psychologist.
I've battled with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I really value a GP who understands and is supportive. I don't think I'm at that stage, for a while after our second failed IUI it did cross my mind that maybe seeing a psychologist again might help. But looking back, I don't think I was depressed, I think I was just grieving and processing the news of the failure and having to move on to IVF.
And now it's the stress of Christmas and worrying about what other people will say to us on the day. Will there be prying questions? Will there be suggestions and the often heard "you just need to relax, go on a holiday!" Will I break down into tears when I see my husbands brother with his pregnant girlfriend and her son? How will I handle my family, who don't know how to be sensitive and tactful?
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Argh, health insurance!
I live in Australia and our IUI's were paid for partly by Medicare (our universal health care scheme) and the rest was out of pocket. Medicare paid for roughly half. But my husband and I also have private health insurance which covers mostly in hospital procedures (in a private hospital which means little to no waiting as in a public hospital some procedures have a wait of years) and a few extras like dental, optical, plus some appointments with specialists.
When I had my lap in July, Medicare paid for part of it, our health insurance paid for the other part of it and the rest was out of pocket. When we had our IVF education meeting with our nurse she gave us the price list and told me to call our private health insurance as they might cover some parts of it.
That was way back in early November. I've put it off for ages, partly because I was still sad and trying to deal with moving on to IVF and partly because I hate making phone calls. But I sucked up and this morning got out the costings booklet from our fertility clinic and rang our health insurance.
I sat on hold for 15mins before talking to the most rude and incompetent woman. I explained that we're moving on to IVF and that I had item numbers from my clinic, I needed her to look up the item numbers and see if they're covered under our policy.
She told me that yes, our coverage covers all infertility treatments. That surprised me, so I explained we'd already done two IUI's this year and asked if they were covered. She said yes they were covered and asked which hospital they were done at. It was then I knew this conversation was going to be painful. She kept insisting that they were done at a hospital and I kept explaining that no, they weren't done at a hospital, they were done at a fertility clinic. She asked for the name of the fertility clinic and then told me that our clinic doesn't exist.
After the third time I stopped her and explained exactly what an IUI is and why it's not done in a hospital. She put me on hold and asked her supervisor, then came back to me and said no, it's not covered.
Then I asked her if our IVF would be covered, once again she rattled off her spiel about how all infertility treatments are covered, I stopped her right there and told her that's not true because you didn't cover our two IUI's!
I had six item numbers and all I wanted to know was if they were covered! But she didn't want to look them up on the computer system so instead we went around and around until I asked to talk to someone else. Once I said that she asked for the item numbers and looked them up. Argh! Talk about fustrating. Turns out they will cover a portion of our egg pick up, embryo transfer and ICSI fees. They'll also cover part of the anesthetists fee and the operating theatre fees. But they won't cover the cost of medications, the scans or or management fees.
Holy cow was it hard getting that information out of her. They don't make this easy, we pay thousands of dollars for private health insurance but when it comes time to claim it's like jumping through hoops.
I know it's worse in other countries and I'm so thankful we live in Australia and thankful that we can afford private health insurance. But it just seems like everything to do with infertility is a battle, even just finding out the cost of the treatments.
When I had my lap in July, Medicare paid for part of it, our health insurance paid for the other part of it and the rest was out of pocket. When we had our IVF education meeting with our nurse she gave us the price list and told me to call our private health insurance as they might cover some parts of it.
That was way back in early November. I've put it off for ages, partly because I was still sad and trying to deal with moving on to IVF and partly because I hate making phone calls. But I sucked up and this morning got out the costings booklet from our fertility clinic and rang our health insurance.
I sat on hold for 15mins before talking to the most rude and incompetent woman. I explained that we're moving on to IVF and that I had item numbers from my clinic, I needed her to look up the item numbers and see if they're covered under our policy.
She told me that yes, our coverage covers all infertility treatments. That surprised me, so I explained we'd already done two IUI's this year and asked if they were covered. She said yes they were covered and asked which hospital they were done at. It was then I knew this conversation was going to be painful. She kept insisting that they were done at a hospital and I kept explaining that no, they weren't done at a hospital, they were done at a fertility clinic. She asked for the name of the fertility clinic and then told me that our clinic doesn't exist.
After the third time I stopped her and explained exactly what an IUI is and why it's not done in a hospital. She put me on hold and asked her supervisor, then came back to me and said no, it's not covered.
Then I asked her if our IVF would be covered, once again she rattled off her spiel about how all infertility treatments are covered, I stopped her right there and told her that's not true because you didn't cover our two IUI's!
I had six item numbers and all I wanted to know was if they were covered! But she didn't want to look them up on the computer system so instead we went around and around until I asked to talk to someone else. Once I said that she asked for the item numbers and looked them up. Argh! Talk about fustrating. Turns out they will cover a portion of our egg pick up, embryo transfer and ICSI fees. They'll also cover part of the anesthetists fee and the operating theatre fees. But they won't cover the cost of medications, the scans or or management fees.
Holy cow was it hard getting that information out of her. They don't make this easy, we pay thousands of dollars for private health insurance but when it comes time to claim it's like jumping through hoops.
I know it's worse in other countries and I'm so thankful we live in Australia and thankful that we can afford private health insurance. But it just seems like everything to do with infertility is a battle, even just finding out the cost of the treatments.
Friday, 6 December 2013
Proud moments
This week has been pretty good. Three times there's been incidents where previously I would've wound up in tears, but I handled all of them reasonably well. I'm quite proud of the way I've handled these moments.
The first was while I was at work. It's summer here which means a lot of schools are doing swimming lessons. One of the little girls in my class wanted to sit next to me on the bus ride to the swim centre, she was asking me all these questions and one of them was if I had any kids. I said no and then told her about my two cats and she then told me about her pet chooks, called Barbecue and Casserole.
But I didn't get upset, or have a moment of "oh crap, how do I answer this?!" when I was asked about kids.
Then today, I was visiting my parents at work and a friend of mums came into the office and asked when I'm going to make mum a grandparent. Mum turned to me and said "yeah Donna, when am I getting grandkids?" I was so angry at her. She knows of our struggles and this is not the first time she's answered this way. I just replied that "you can't rush these things" and walked out. I didn't mention it again but I wasn't hurt or upset. Just cranky.
The other moment was tonight. We live really close to a child care centre, it's across the road from our apartment building's main lobby. We're on a corner block, the entrance I usually use is the driveway which is around the corner from the lobby, so I rarely notice the child care centre. Every year they have their Christmas concert and play Christmas Carols, have Santa arrive on a fire truck and there's a sausage sizzle. Last year the sound of their Christmas music made me dissolve into tears and lock myself in our bedroom listing to my ipod so I couldn't hear the little kids singing.
But this year I just had one pang of "oh, Christmas would be so much more fun with a child of our own" and then I just went on with my afternoon and evening. It was sweet hearing the cries of Santa! and the little kids singing Jingle Bells.
I'm quite proud of the way I've handled the last few days. I know that this probably won't last and in a few days or a week I'll be back to having teary moments. But for now I'm glad I'm not letting the negativity and bitterness that often comes along with infertility control my emotions.
The first was while I was at work. It's summer here which means a lot of schools are doing swimming lessons. One of the little girls in my class wanted to sit next to me on the bus ride to the swim centre, she was asking me all these questions and one of them was if I had any kids. I said no and then told her about my two cats and she then told me about her pet chooks, called Barbecue and Casserole.
But I didn't get upset, or have a moment of "oh crap, how do I answer this?!" when I was asked about kids.
Then today, I was visiting my parents at work and a friend of mums came into the office and asked when I'm going to make mum a grandparent. Mum turned to me and said "yeah Donna, when am I getting grandkids?" I was so angry at her. She knows of our struggles and this is not the first time she's answered this way. I just replied that "you can't rush these things" and walked out. I didn't mention it again but I wasn't hurt or upset. Just cranky.
The other moment was tonight. We live really close to a child care centre, it's across the road from our apartment building's main lobby. We're on a corner block, the entrance I usually use is the driveway which is around the corner from the lobby, so I rarely notice the child care centre. Every year they have their Christmas concert and play Christmas Carols, have Santa arrive on a fire truck and there's a sausage sizzle. Last year the sound of their Christmas music made me dissolve into tears and lock myself in our bedroom listing to my ipod so I couldn't hear the little kids singing.
But this year I just had one pang of "oh, Christmas would be so much more fun with a child of our own" and then I just went on with my afternoon and evening. It was sweet hearing the cries of Santa! and the little kids singing Jingle Bells.
I'm quite proud of the way I've handled the last few days. I know that this probably won't last and in a few days or a week I'll be back to having teary moments. But for now I'm glad I'm not letting the negativity and bitterness that often comes along with infertility control my emotions.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Rested and ready
I've really enjoyed this break while we're waiting to start IVF. No early morning trips to the fertility clinic for blood tests and scans. No injections and medications. It's been a quiet few weeks and without all the added stress it's been good to take time and just relax.
When I first found out that our last IUI cycle had failed and we had to move on to IVF I had so many doubts and questions. Part of me wondered if this was a sign to stop ttc. I was scared of moving on to IVF, I hate going under general anesthetic and my clinic only does egg pick ups under a general. With the IUIs I was on a relatively small FSH dose, for IVF it will be doubled and the potential side effects make me nervous. Not to mention the cost and how we'd pay for it.
It's been five weeks since the negative beta and I feel rested and ready to move on to IVF. I'm really looking forward to starting the next cycle in the new year.
When I first found out that our last IUI cycle had failed and we had to move on to IVF I had so many doubts and questions. Part of me wondered if this was a sign to stop ttc. I was scared of moving on to IVF, I hate going under general anesthetic and my clinic only does egg pick ups under a general. With the IUIs I was on a relatively small FSH dose, for IVF it will be doubled and the potential side effects make me nervous. Not to mention the cost and how we'd pay for it.
It's been five weeks since the negative beta and I feel rested and ready to move on to IVF. I'm really looking forward to starting the next cycle in the new year.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
First IVF+ICSI appointment
On Monday we went down to our fertility clinic for our very first IVF+ICSI appointment. It was just an education session.
This is so much more involved than just an IUI with injectables cycle. All the shots, two -possibly three- different injections plus a trigger. Lots of scans where with IUI there was just one - two scans. Not to mention the egg retrival, the transfer and that side of things. Oh and the waiting. So much waiting.
It's just so overwhelming. I'm yet to read the information book, I'm still just trying to process and come to terms with moving on to IVF. My nurse is going to call me on either Friday or Monday with the type of cycle my FS has decided on.
Come January we'll start our first cycle. I'm scared, anxious and feel a bit out of my depth.
And to top it off, I have to go in to the clinic tomorrow morning to have a repeat cystic fibrosis screening blood test. I had this test done back in August along with my AMH. I had to redo my AMH blood work as the lab told my clinic there was a batch failure with my test. But now after my lovely nurse has spent a week trying to track down my CF results the lab has said they don't know what happened to my results. Everything else came back fine, just not the two extra specialist tests. Said tests cost us over $300. I'm not impressed. I know it's not the clinics fault. I watched my nurse label all our tubes of blood and put them together into the collection baggie which was also labelled. I just can't believe the lab lost either the blood or the results. And that it took them so long to get back to my clinic.
This is so much more involved than just an IUI with injectables cycle. All the shots, two -possibly three- different injections plus a trigger. Lots of scans where with IUI there was just one - two scans. Not to mention the egg retrival, the transfer and that side of things. Oh and the waiting. So much waiting.
It's just so overwhelming. I'm yet to read the information book, I'm still just trying to process and come to terms with moving on to IVF. My nurse is going to call me on either Friday or Monday with the type of cycle my FS has decided on.
Come January we'll start our first cycle. I'm scared, anxious and feel a bit out of my depth.
And to top it off, I have to go in to the clinic tomorrow morning to have a repeat cystic fibrosis screening blood test. I had this test done back in August along with my AMH. I had to redo my AMH blood work as the lab told my clinic there was a batch failure with my test. But now after my lovely nurse has spent a week trying to track down my CF results the lab has said they don't know what happened to my results. Everything else came back fine, just not the two extra specialist tests. Said tests cost us over $300. I'm not impressed. I know it's not the clinics fault. I watched my nurse label all our tubes of blood and put them together into the collection baggie which was also labelled. I just can't believe the lab lost either the blood or the results. And that it took them so long to get back to my clinic.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
5th Wedding Anniversary!
Friday was our fifth wedding anniversary. I wasn't feeling the best, I was headachy and crampy and just generally a bit cranky. My husband surprised me with flowers, a gorgeous pair of earrings and a card with a sweet message inside that made me tear up. We had a dinner reservation at a nearby restaurant for 7pm and spent the day running errands, we did some grocery shopping and started planning Christmas.
Dinner was perfect as ever, I really love this restaurant. We went there for our third anniversary and we've been there for my birthday two years in a row now. The menu is perfect, just enough seafood and steak to keep the husband happy but yummy options for me too! (I'm not a fan of seafood and if we're all dressed up going out to a fancy dinner, I want something more than just a steak!) It's right on the water and in warm weather they open up all the doors so you can look out at the passing boats.
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| Oh, did I mention the cocktails that are practically the size of my head? |
The last few times we've been the weather has been rainy but on Friday it was a warm spring night, we had a window table so we watched the boats going up the river and heading out to sea. There was live music and it was just a really nice night.
And because I was looking at our wedding photos and reminiscing about the day, here's some bonus photos!
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| Being goofballs, we'd been pulling faces at each other under my veil. |
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| Take just as we were getting ready to walk into our wedding reception. |
Thursday, 31 October 2013
IUI #2 = BFN
As I was expecting, the beta for the second IUI was negative. Yesterday my husband drove me to the clinic in the morning for the blood test, it was his last day of work before going on annual leave and it meant he went into work a bit late, but I'm so grateful he came with me.
Not long after we sat down at the clinic, the cranky nurse walked in. I knew our nurse was working, I'd heard her voice and I was hoping we'd see our nurse, but no. It was the cranky nurse that did my blood work. (She's the one that told me that "when" this cycle fails, not if. And also gave me the expired progesterone.)
Once we got home, my husband headed off to work and I got back into my pjs. I did nothing but stare at my phone and watch cooking videos on youtube all day. I was dreading cranky nurse calling with the negative result, but in the end our nurse called me. She said it was a negative result but my progesterone was good. She also said there was a note in our file about making an appointment but she wasn't sure if that was with the clinic for IVF+ICSI education or with our FS so she was going to ask our FS and call me back on Friday.
But 10 minutes later she rang me back, she'd managed to get a hold of our FS while he was in between patients and we don't need to see him, we just need to have the education and costings appointment. I'd already told our nurse that my husband is on annual leave and she asked if we'd like to come in for the appointment while he's on leave or if we need a break first.
We'd already discussed this that morning on the drive to the clinic so I told her we'd rather get the meeting out of the way and have it as soon as possible. We had the choice of meeting with another nurse on Friday or meeting with our nurse on Monday November 11th, so we have about a 12 day break from anything infertility related before we go to the appointment. It's actually worked out pretty well.
We could've rushed and squeezed in an IVF cycle before the day surgery unit closes for Christmas but I truly need a break. And I didn't want the added stress of fertility treatments combined with the chaos of Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. It's probably my favourite holiday and I start driving my husband crazy because I want to set up the tree now! He makes me wait until December 1st before the tree or lights go up. Even though we live in an apartment we decorate our balcony with lights and I put a wreath on our apartment door. But because I love Christmas so much, I tend to go overboard with the baking and presents and wind up over-committing myself every year.
Part of me wanted to go ahead with an IVF cycle now as we've already hit the safety net limit and we'd get the maximum refund back and it restarts on January 1st. But we'll hit the safety net pretty fast next year anyway and then we'll get the maximum refunds for the whole of next year.
I still don't know how we're going to pay for this next year, my husband and I have talked about a few possibilities. We briefly discussed selling our apartment and buying a cheaper place someone but our apartment is just not ready to sell. We used our renovation money to pay for my lap and our two IUIs. There's a few other options we've got but I think we're going to wait until after we've got the price of the IVF+ICSI before we make any decisions.
It feels strange taking a break, especially when you want something so bad. But I know we need this break, just to centre ourselves and have some calm. No rushing down to the clinic or waiting on phone calls. No injections or pessaries. Just life continuing on like it was before.
Not long after we sat down at the clinic, the cranky nurse walked in. I knew our nurse was working, I'd heard her voice and I was hoping we'd see our nurse, but no. It was the cranky nurse that did my blood work. (She's the one that told me that "when" this cycle fails, not if. And also gave me the expired progesterone.)
Once we got home, my husband headed off to work and I got back into my pjs. I did nothing but stare at my phone and watch cooking videos on youtube all day. I was dreading cranky nurse calling with the negative result, but in the end our nurse called me. She said it was a negative result but my progesterone was good. She also said there was a note in our file about making an appointment but she wasn't sure if that was with the clinic for IVF+ICSI education or with our FS so she was going to ask our FS and call me back on Friday.
But 10 minutes later she rang me back, she'd managed to get a hold of our FS while he was in between patients and we don't need to see him, we just need to have the education and costings appointment. I'd already told our nurse that my husband is on annual leave and she asked if we'd like to come in for the appointment while he's on leave or if we need a break first.
We'd already discussed this that morning on the drive to the clinic so I told her we'd rather get the meeting out of the way and have it as soon as possible. We had the choice of meeting with another nurse on Friday or meeting with our nurse on Monday November 11th, so we have about a 12 day break from anything infertility related before we go to the appointment. It's actually worked out pretty well.
We could've rushed and squeezed in an IVF cycle before the day surgery unit closes for Christmas but I truly need a break. And I didn't want the added stress of fertility treatments combined with the chaos of Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. It's probably my favourite holiday and I start driving my husband crazy because I want to set up the tree now! He makes me wait until December 1st before the tree or lights go up. Even though we live in an apartment we decorate our balcony with lights and I put a wreath on our apartment door. But because I love Christmas so much, I tend to go overboard with the baking and presents and wind up over-committing myself every year.
Part of me wanted to go ahead with an IVF cycle now as we've already hit the safety net limit and we'd get the maximum refund back and it restarts on January 1st. But we'll hit the safety net pretty fast next year anyway and then we'll get the maximum refunds for the whole of next year.
I still don't know how we're going to pay for this next year, my husband and I have talked about a few possibilities. We briefly discussed selling our apartment and buying a cheaper place someone but our apartment is just not ready to sell. We used our renovation money to pay for my lap and our two IUIs. There's a few other options we've got but I think we're going to wait until after we've got the price of the IVF+ICSI before we make any decisions.
It feels strange taking a break, especially when you want something so bad. But I know we need this break, just to centre ourselves and have some calm. No rushing down to the clinic or waiting on phone calls. No injections or pessaries. Just life continuing on like it was before.
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Not looking good
I went to the bathroom earlier today and saw that I was having some light spotting. I've been having light cramps for the last day or two and kept telling myself it was nothing.
I rang the fertility clinic and asked to be put through to Nurse J. Yes, she harps on and on about random things but she's the most empathetic nurse there. She's also the same one who took my beta blood test last cycle and rang me with the negative result, I know she can break bad news in just the right way.
Nurse J was in a meeting and called me back an hour later. I told her what was going on and that I thought it could be my period starting. She agreed that this late in the cycle, 13dpo, it's probably not a good sign. My beta is scheduled for Thursday but she's asked if I'd like to come in tomorrow, a day earlier.
She also asked me how I was feeling and I told her I was a bit upset.With the first IUI I wasn't upset at all, I knew it was our first one and a lot of the time the first IUI isn't successful. Both she and the doctor had told us that. But this second one was different, there was so much weighing on this IUI, it was our last chance before moving on. I so badly wanted this IUI to be successful and result in pregnancy.
So tomorrow morning I'll get up nice and early, drink lots of water and have breakfast before driving down to the clinic. And a few hours later I should know the results of the blood test. But I'm pretty sure that my period will be here by then.
I rang the fertility clinic and asked to be put through to Nurse J. Yes, she harps on and on about random things but she's the most empathetic nurse there. She's also the same one who took my beta blood test last cycle and rang me with the negative result, I know she can break bad news in just the right way.
Nurse J was in a meeting and called me back an hour later. I told her what was going on and that I thought it could be my period starting. She agreed that this late in the cycle, 13dpo, it's probably not a good sign. My beta is scheduled for Thursday but she's asked if I'd like to come in tomorrow, a day earlier.
She also asked me how I was feeling and I told her I was a bit upset.With the first IUI I wasn't upset at all, I knew it was our first one and a lot of the time the first IUI isn't successful. Both she and the doctor had told us that. But this second one was different, there was so much weighing on this IUI, it was our last chance before moving on. I so badly wanted this IUI to be successful and result in pregnancy.
So tomorrow morning I'll get up nice and early, drink lots of water and have breakfast before driving down to the clinic. And a few hours later I should know the results of the blood test. But I'm pretty sure that my period will be here by then.
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Progesterone sucks
Progesterone is probably the worst part of the cycle for me. I hate it. I have the waxy pessaries (suppositories) which I do nightly. Last cycle it was morning and night, so this cycle it's not as bad. But it still isn't a pleasant experience, it's a bit gross and it makes me pretty uncomfortable.
Progesterone gives me more side effects than any thing else. The fsh made me a bit weepy and the trigger shot left a red welt and gave me a hot flash and wave of nausea but that was only one day.
But progesterone? It makes me weepy and teary but it also makes me feel depressed, I just can't see anything positive through the progesterone funk. It makes me bloated and I retain water, and my boobs hurt, so much! Sore boobs have always been a part of pms for me, but this is so.much.worse. Oh, and the night sweats suck. I live on the east coast of Australia and it's well and Spring is well and truly here. We've already had a few days of 30c (86f) weather and night sweats are awful on those hot humid nights.
The worst side effect would be the vivid dreams. Sometimes they're pleasant dreams, other times they've been borderline nightmares. But it's the dreams like the one I had last night that I could really do without.
Since we've been ttc and since we've started down the infertility journey I've had a few pregnancy related dreams. Usually they're about holding my newborn son (it's always a son, never a daughter) or pushing a baby in a pram and occasionally they're about being heavily pregnant. But last night was the first time I've had a dream about getting a positive pregnancy test.
The silly thing is, I know what triggered this dream. Before I went to bed, I got opened the box of pregnancy tests I bought during the week and set one on the sink. Today is 11dpo, it's early but I've got a box of 3 tests and thought I'd take one anyway.
My dream was so real, it was in my bathroom with the same type of tests that I'd bought. The exact same clutter was on the sink and everything. In my dream those two pink lines came up straight away and were dark pink lines. I then woke up my husband to show him the test.
Then I woke up and it was 6am. Of course I went and took the test and of course it was negative. I know it could just be too early. My beta isn't until Thursday when I'll be 15dpo. But chances are highly likely that it's negative because I'm not pregnant.
And if I'm not pregnant then we need to have the talk about moving onto IVF+ICSI. Not just with the clinic but with each other. So far any mention of moving on has caused me to burst into tears. And we need to find a minimum of $10,000 for it. And we need to work out the timing of it. If we rush our clinic can fit in one cycle before they close for the Christmas break, or it's a matter of waiting until mid to late January to get started.
Ugh, all this triggered by one very vivid progesterone fueled dream.
Progesterone gives me more side effects than any thing else. The fsh made me a bit weepy and the trigger shot left a red welt and gave me a hot flash and wave of nausea but that was only one day.
But progesterone? It makes me weepy and teary but it also makes me feel depressed, I just can't see anything positive through the progesterone funk. It makes me bloated and I retain water, and my boobs hurt, so much! Sore boobs have always been a part of pms for me, but this is so.much.worse. Oh, and the night sweats suck. I live on the east coast of Australia and it's well and Spring is well and truly here. We've already had a few days of 30c (86f) weather and night sweats are awful on those hot humid nights.
The worst side effect would be the vivid dreams. Sometimes they're pleasant dreams, other times they've been borderline nightmares. But it's the dreams like the one I had last night that I could really do without.
Since we've been ttc and since we've started down the infertility journey I've had a few pregnancy related dreams. Usually they're about holding my newborn son (it's always a son, never a daughter) or pushing a baby in a pram and occasionally they're about being heavily pregnant. But last night was the first time I've had a dream about getting a positive pregnancy test.
The silly thing is, I know what triggered this dream. Before I went to bed, I got opened the box of pregnancy tests I bought during the week and set one on the sink. Today is 11dpo, it's early but I've got a box of 3 tests and thought I'd take one anyway.
My dream was so real, it was in my bathroom with the same type of tests that I'd bought. The exact same clutter was on the sink and everything. In my dream those two pink lines came up straight away and were dark pink lines. I then woke up my husband to show him the test.
Then I woke up and it was 6am. Of course I went and took the test and of course it was negative. I know it could just be too early. My beta isn't until Thursday when I'll be 15dpo. But chances are highly likely that it's negative because I'm not pregnant.
And if I'm not pregnant then we need to have the talk about moving onto IVF+ICSI. Not just with the clinic but with each other. So far any mention of moving on has caused me to burst into tears. And we need to find a minimum of $10,000 for it. And we need to work out the timing of it. If we rush our clinic can fit in one cycle before they close for the Christmas break, or it's a matter of waiting until mid to late January to get started.
Ugh, all this triggered by one very vivid progesterone fueled dream.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Second and last IUI
Today was the day for my second IUI. I'd love to say that everything was wonderful, but it wasn't. The lab took forever to prep the husbands sample and I was a ball of anxious energy. But happy energy, I started to drive the husband a bit crazy with my non stop chatter and questions.
Our FS did the IUI, he came over in between surgeries to perform it. Yesterday when the lovely nurse told me that the IUI was booked she said that another FS would be performing it but this morning the clinic rang and told me that if we could get in about 15mins earlier than our scheduled time our FS would be available. (Which meant I rushed to get ready and forgot to shave my legs, whoops!)
I found it to be really painful again. I have never had a problem with pap smears or internal ultrasounds but this procedure hurt. It hurt last time so I knew what was coming and that probably made it worse too.
The husbands sample wasn't that great, his count had risen to 10 million but after washing the count was down to 500,000. After the IUI was done our FS stayed and talked with us a while, he always uses the sandwich technique when giving bad news. He layers the bad news in between to good or positive things. He was happy that I'd responded well and had surged on my own without needing a trigger shot, but with the husbands count being low it does drastically reduce our chances this cycle. It wasn't so low that it was pointless performing the IUI because you only need one sperm to make it to that egg and we've got 500,000 of them on their way.
The FS said that with the husbands SA always being borderline or below average that this is the final IUI he'll do with us. He's hopeful that this cycle will be successful, but if it isn't then our next step is IVF with ICSI. I started to get a bit upset, I wasn't crying I just got a little teary. He saw this and was a bit concerned, he said it's not that we can't get pregnant it's just that we just need more science to get us there. And that for the next two weeks my job is to relax and think happy thoughts.
The curt nurse from last week assisted with the IUI and recommended that the husband and I both take an extra supplement, coQ10. I already take Elevit, a prenatal that the GP and the FS reccomended and the husband takes Menevit which is a multivitamin to support mens fertility. It was after she'd talked to us about that and handed me my progesterone pessaries (only one 200mg, once a day! Not one morning and 400mg at night!) and aftercare paperwork that I realised she'd made a mistake. She'd given me someone else's paperwork. I was just about to say something when she came back in with the right form and corrected the mistake.
But then when I got home I noticed something strange on the box of pessaries, there was a date that said exp Sept 2013. All I could think was, surely that's not the expiry date! This little box of progestrone cost me $80, it can't be expired! So I opened them up and there it was, stamped on each pessary wrapper was "expiry Sept 13" I rang the clinic and was put through the to the nurse, sure enough the progesterone was expired. Apparently she'd even entered the expiry date onto my file and just hadn't realised we're in October. Ah huh. She only checked the date with us at least three times, once on the consent form, once on the sample when it was dropped off and once on the prepared washed sample.
A small part of me thinks that she did it on purpose and wants this cycle to fail for us. I just can't help it. I know it's an over reaction and I'm being paranoid but first it was her telling me that "when this cycle fails" and now the expired medication.
I went back down to the clinic and exchanged the progestrone for a new box, the poor receptionist kept apologising and showed me the date on the new box twice, March 2015.
Now I wait. The beta is on October 31st, the day before our wedding anniversary and the day before the husband starts his two weeks of annual leave. So we're either going to a great anniversary and break and start planning how we share the wonderful news with our families. Or we're going to spend those two weeks shuffling money around to pay for the IVF and attending appointments, counseling and education sessions.
Our FS did the IUI, he came over in between surgeries to perform it. Yesterday when the lovely nurse told me that the IUI was booked she said that another FS would be performing it but this morning the clinic rang and told me that if we could get in about 15mins earlier than our scheduled time our FS would be available. (Which meant I rushed to get ready and forgot to shave my legs, whoops!)
I found it to be really painful again. I have never had a problem with pap smears or internal ultrasounds but this procedure hurt. It hurt last time so I knew what was coming and that probably made it worse too.
The husbands sample wasn't that great, his count had risen to 10 million but after washing the count was down to 500,000. After the IUI was done our FS stayed and talked with us a while, he always uses the sandwich technique when giving bad news. He layers the bad news in between to good or positive things. He was happy that I'd responded well and had surged on my own without needing a trigger shot, but with the husbands count being low it does drastically reduce our chances this cycle. It wasn't so low that it was pointless performing the IUI because you only need one sperm to make it to that egg and we've got 500,000 of them on their way.
The FS said that with the husbands SA always being borderline or below average that this is the final IUI he'll do with us. He's hopeful that this cycle will be successful, but if it isn't then our next step is IVF with ICSI. I started to get a bit upset, I wasn't crying I just got a little teary. He saw this and was a bit concerned, he said it's not that we can't get pregnant it's just that we just need more science to get us there. And that for the next two weeks my job is to relax and think happy thoughts.
The curt nurse from last week assisted with the IUI and recommended that the husband and I both take an extra supplement, coQ10. I already take Elevit, a prenatal that the GP and the FS reccomended and the husband takes Menevit which is a multivitamin to support mens fertility. It was after she'd talked to us about that and handed me my progesterone pessaries (only one 200mg, once a day! Not one morning and 400mg at night!) and aftercare paperwork that I realised she'd made a mistake. She'd given me someone else's paperwork. I was just about to say something when she came back in with the right form and corrected the mistake.
But then when I got home I noticed something strange on the box of pessaries, there was a date that said exp Sept 2013. All I could think was, surely that's not the expiry date! This little box of progestrone cost me $80, it can't be expired! So I opened them up and there it was, stamped on each pessary wrapper was "expiry Sept 13" I rang the clinic and was put through the to the nurse, sure enough the progesterone was expired. Apparently she'd even entered the expiry date onto my file and just hadn't realised we're in October. Ah huh. She only checked the date with us at least three times, once on the consent form, once on the sample when it was dropped off and once on the prepared washed sample.
A small part of me thinks that she did it on purpose and wants this cycle to fail for us. I just can't help it. I know it's an over reaction and I'm being paranoid but first it was her telling me that "when this cycle fails" and now the expired medication.
I went back down to the clinic and exchanged the progestrone for a new box, the poor receptionist kept apologising and showed me the date on the new box twice, March 2015.
Now I wait. The beta is on October 31st, the day before our wedding anniversary and the day before the husband starts his two weeks of annual leave. So we're either going to a great anniversary and break and start planning how we share the wonderful news with our families. Or we're going to spend those two weeks shuffling money around to pay for the IVF and attending appointments, counseling and education sessions.
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
IUI #2 is scheduled!
I had a rough day yesterday. The blood test took four attempts from two different nurses, one being the curt nurse from last week, but my estrogen had risen to 789 which is good.
Today was great! I had the lovely nurse from Saturday. The blood test was a breeze and painless. Then she rang me with the fantastic news, my estrogen is at 1107 and my LH is surging and at 22 so no stinging burning trigger shot is needed!
Originally I had a scan and blood test booked for 9am tomorrow, but that's been cancelled because we're doing the IUI at 10.40am instead! My husbands appointment is at 10am and then we'll go downstairs to the coffee shop and wait until everything is prepared and ready.
This just feels like a better cycle than the IUI we did last month. I've responded to the FSH and my numbers have been steadily rising instead of rising than falling or jumping up high one day then barely rising the next. Also, tomorrow would've been my grandmother's 97th birthday, it just feels like a good date.
Today was great! I had the lovely nurse from Saturday. The blood test was a breeze and painless. Then she rang me with the fantastic news, my estrogen is at 1107 and my LH is surging and at 22 so no stinging burning trigger shot is needed!
Originally I had a scan and blood test booked for 9am tomorrow, but that's been cancelled because we're doing the IUI at 10.40am instead! My husbands appointment is at 10am and then we'll go downstairs to the coffee shop and wait until everything is prepared and ready.
This just feels like a better cycle than the IUI we did last month. I've responded to the FSH and my numbers have been steadily rising instead of rising than falling or jumping up high one day then barely rising the next. Also, tomorrow would've been my grandmother's 97th birthday, it just feels like a good date.
Saturday, 12 October 2013
A much better day!
I went back to the Fertility Clinic for another monitoring blood test today, because it was a Saturday my husband came with me. Usually he doesn't come to these quick appointments but I had such a horrible time at my last blood test I wanted him there.
The nurse doing the blood work today was lovely! (I could hear Nurse J's voice but she must've been assisting with procedures today) Friendly, sweet and she took her time to read my file rather than just quickly glance at it. She let me know that our FS had made a note about increasing my dosage if today's results showed that my estrogen levels were still low. I was really relieved to hear that, it reassured me that our FS is tracking this cycle closely and has given me more hope for this cycle.
I know that if our FS had any doubts about this cycle he'd cancel it, he must still think we have a chance even with the husbands borderline SA results.
She did struggle to find the vein in my arm, but that's not her fault. I have shocking veins even when I drink a litre of water before a blood draw. I only have one good vein and each time they use it, it hurts and gets more sensitive. It was a bit bruised from Thursdays blood draw and the nurse today suggested icing it when we got home. We had plans to go out (a check up at the GP for hubby and then brunch out) so my husband bought a bottle of water and I put the cold bottle on my arm as a make-do ice pack.
After brunch we were walking to the car and I heard my phone chime. I'd missed the call from the clinic so rang them back. My estrogen levels are at 395! What a fantastic number! I am so relieved that they've risen. The nurse had spoken to our FS and I don't have to increase my dosage, just stay on 75.
On Monday I go back in for another blood draw, if the numbers are still rising then I'll have a scan on Tuesday and we'll do the IUI on Wednesday or Thursday.
I really needed this today. I needed a upbeat and positive nurse, a good result from the blood work and reassurance that our FS has faith in this cycle.
The nurse doing the blood work today was lovely! (I could hear Nurse J's voice but she must've been assisting with procedures today) Friendly, sweet and she took her time to read my file rather than just quickly glance at it. She let me know that our FS had made a note about increasing my dosage if today's results showed that my estrogen levels were still low. I was really relieved to hear that, it reassured me that our FS is tracking this cycle closely and has given me more hope for this cycle.
I know that if our FS had any doubts about this cycle he'd cancel it, he must still think we have a chance even with the husbands borderline SA results.
She did struggle to find the vein in my arm, but that's not her fault. I have shocking veins even when I drink a litre of water before a blood draw. I only have one good vein and each time they use it, it hurts and gets more sensitive. It was a bit bruised from Thursdays blood draw and the nurse today suggested icing it when we got home. We had plans to go out (a check up at the GP for hubby and then brunch out) so my husband bought a bottle of water and I put the cold bottle on my arm as a make-do ice pack.
After brunch we were walking to the car and I heard my phone chime. I'd missed the call from the clinic so rang them back. My estrogen levels are at 395! What a fantastic number! I am so relieved that they've risen. The nurse had spoken to our FS and I don't have to increase my dosage, just stay on 75.
On Monday I go back in for another blood draw, if the numbers are still rising then I'll have a scan on Tuesday and we'll do the IUI on Wednesday or Thursday.
I really needed this today. I needed a upbeat and positive nurse, a good result from the blood work and reassurance that our FS has faith in this cycle.
Friday, 11 October 2013
The bad day
I swear, some of the nurses at my fertility clinic have the worst bedside manner. I went in yesterday morning for the first monitoring blood test of this IUI cycle. I hadn't seen this nurse before and she was awful.
Before she took my blood she asked if I'd been for a scan. I said that I hadn't, I was just in for my first blood test. She told me that it was strange I hadn't had a scan (last time I didn't have a scan this early) when I explained I was at day 10 not day 14 she asked why I was in to have my blood taken so early in the cycle. I didn't know why, it was just what Nurse J told me to do and what happened last cycle.
She took my blood and I asked if the husbands interim SA results were in. She read through them and then turned to me and asked why we were bothering to do a second IUI with borderline results and why hadn't we seen Dr S to talk about ICSI. She then said that when this cycle isn't successful we should definitely meet with Dr S to talk about moving on. No if, just when. Nice. So it's day 10 and she's already predicting this cycle will be a failure.
I had to get out of there, she was so negative and was talking to me as if I was making the wrong decision and was going against the clinics directions, so I grabbed my bag and stood up heading for the door. I knew I was going to cry at any minute and I didn't want to start crying in the clinic because then I'd have to walk out of there and through the hospital to get to the car park.
I got to the car park and rang the husband. He was still at home but in a rush to get out the door to work and didn't have time to hear about the results. I got home and cried. Then managed to pick a fight with him again a few hours later over where he'd left a receipt. He called me back on his lunch break and I told him what had happened this morning. He was not impressed with what the nurse had said or how she'd said it.
By this stage I'd had a few hours to think about it and I was ready to call Dr S and ask for this cycle to be cancelled. I'd worked myself up into a teary mess and I couldn't see a reason why to continue with it. Especially when the nurse rang me back to say my estrogen levels were only at 173. By nature my husband is a laid back and positive guy, the opposite to me. He calmed me down and told me that we might as well give this cycle a try. We're already 10 days into it so there's no harm in seeing it through.
And then my day got worse. Six weeks ago we ordered a new sofa, we had to wait for it to be made and it was delivered yesterday afternoon. Except it wouldn't fit through the basement door to the lift. The only thing stopping it was the legs on the sofa and of course the delivery guys didn't have a drill or screwdriver to take them off. I had no idea where the screwdrivers were in our apartment so in the end they just left the sofa in our car space.
I was in a panic, I'd had a bad day with the nurse and the clinic. And now the sofa I'd waited so long for wasn't going to fit in the door way. I was picturing having to return the sofa and wait another six weeks to have another one made. Of course it made me cry. It was just the icing on the cake.
Eventually, after a few hours lots and lots of cursing the husband and I got the sofa into our apartment. But I was such a drama and a lot of messing around. I felt awful, I'd had a nurse with the bedside manner of a brick, I'd argued with the husband and then had to spend ages fighting to get the sofa through the door. It was just a bad day.
Before she took my blood she asked if I'd been for a scan. I said that I hadn't, I was just in for my first blood test. She told me that it was strange I hadn't had a scan (last time I didn't have a scan this early) when I explained I was at day 10 not day 14 she asked why I was in to have my blood taken so early in the cycle. I didn't know why, it was just what Nurse J told me to do and what happened last cycle.
She took my blood and I asked if the husbands interim SA results were in. She read through them and then turned to me and asked why we were bothering to do a second IUI with borderline results and why hadn't we seen Dr S to talk about ICSI. She then said that when this cycle isn't successful we should definitely meet with Dr S to talk about moving on. No if, just when. Nice. So it's day 10 and she's already predicting this cycle will be a failure.
I had to get out of there, she was so negative and was talking to me as if I was making the wrong decision and was going against the clinics directions, so I grabbed my bag and stood up heading for the door. I knew I was going to cry at any minute and I didn't want to start crying in the clinic because then I'd have to walk out of there and through the hospital to get to the car park.
I got to the car park and rang the husband. He was still at home but in a rush to get out the door to work and didn't have time to hear about the results. I got home and cried. Then managed to pick a fight with him again a few hours later over where he'd left a receipt. He called me back on his lunch break and I told him what had happened this morning. He was not impressed with what the nurse had said or how she'd said it.
By this stage I'd had a few hours to think about it and I was ready to call Dr S and ask for this cycle to be cancelled. I'd worked myself up into a teary mess and I couldn't see a reason why to continue with it. Especially when the nurse rang me back to say my estrogen levels were only at 173. By nature my husband is a laid back and positive guy, the opposite to me. He calmed me down and told me that we might as well give this cycle a try. We're already 10 days into it so there's no harm in seeing it through.
And then my day got worse. Six weeks ago we ordered a new sofa, we had to wait for it to be made and it was delivered yesterday afternoon. Except it wouldn't fit through the basement door to the lift. The only thing stopping it was the legs on the sofa and of course the delivery guys didn't have a drill or screwdriver to take them off. I had no idea where the screwdrivers were in our apartment so in the end they just left the sofa in our car space.
I was in a panic, I'd had a bad day with the nurse and the clinic. And now the sofa I'd waited so long for wasn't going to fit in the door way. I was picturing having to return the sofa and wait another six weeks to have another one made. Of course it made me cry. It was just the icing on the cake.
Eventually, after a few hours lots and lots of cursing the husband and I got the sofa into our apartment. But I was such a drama and a lot of messing around. I felt awful, I'd had a nurse with the bedside manner of a brick, I'd argued with the husband and then had to spend ages fighting to get the sofa through the door. It was just a bad day.
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
Another cycle starts
I started the FSH shots again last Wednesday. I was a bit unsure about starting this cycle while waiting for the results of the husbands repeat SA. I rang the clinic and got our super chatty nurse. As much as I've complained about her, I have to say that she has been pretty great the last few times I've seen or spoken to her. And she handled the news of the negative pregnancy test really well, she was professional and sympathetic. I think she was more upset about the negative pregnancy test than I was!
She spoke to me for ages and helped me decide if we should go straight to this cycle or take a break. She recommended starting another cycle straight away because best case scenario - the husbands sample on the IUI day was just a once off low result and we just keep on track with this IUI cycle. Worst case scenario - his count is still low and we have a meeting with the FS who'll either cancel this cycle or turn it into an IVF cycle. Knowing our FS is quite cautious I think he'd cancel it rather then swap to IVF midway through. Either way I'm ok with it.
I'm trying to be positive this time around, so thinking positive only thoughts I started with the shots again on day 2. Plus, I had a leftover pen of Gonal F that I'd only used once sitting in the fridge and was already paid from from our last cycle. If we cancel this cycle then I only have to pay for half the meds.
I'm pretty sure that the increased dose of FSH is working, last cycle it wasn't until around day 16 that I had a dominate follicle at 1.6. I had no real side effects that cycle either. This cycle I've been a bit more teary and the last two days, day 8 and 9, I've had a bit of cramping, well, not real cramping just sort of twinges near my ovaries. I'm a bit bloated too.
Tomorrow on day 10 I go in for my first monitoring blood test. I'm really hoping that everything is on track with the blood work and the results of the husbands SA.
She spoke to me for ages and helped me decide if we should go straight to this cycle or take a break. She recommended starting another cycle straight away because best case scenario - the husbands sample on the IUI day was just a once off low result and we just keep on track with this IUI cycle. Worst case scenario - his count is still low and we have a meeting with the FS who'll either cancel this cycle or turn it into an IVF cycle. Knowing our FS is quite cautious I think he'd cancel it rather then swap to IVF midway through. Either way I'm ok with it.
I'm trying to be positive this time around, so thinking positive only thoughts I started with the shots again on day 2. Plus, I had a leftover pen of Gonal F that I'd only used once sitting in the fridge and was already paid from from our last cycle. If we cancel this cycle then I only have to pay for half the meds.
I'm pretty sure that the increased dose of FSH is working, last cycle it wasn't until around day 16 that I had a dominate follicle at 1.6. I had no real side effects that cycle either. This cycle I've been a bit more teary and the last two days, day 8 and 9, I've had a bit of cramping, well, not real cramping just sort of twinges near my ovaries. I'm a bit bloated too.
Tomorrow on day 10 I go in for my first monitoring blood test. I'm really hoping that everything is on track with the blood work and the results of the husbands SA.
Monday, 30 September 2013
IUI #1 = bfn....what next?
I wasn't overly confident that this first iui cycle would result in pregnancy. There was just something niggling in the back of my mind. I think it was because it took me so long to actually have a good follicle.
And on the day of the IUI, my husbands sample wasn't that great. He's had a few anaylasis done, the first one his morphology count was low. The second one his morphology had improved but the overall count was low. And now the sample they used for the IUI, the count was even lower. Pre wash, it was 8 million. Post wash it was 2 million.
So I wasn't surprised at all when I got a few negative home pregnancy tests. But then on Saturday I got my usual monthly migraine. And Sunday night I had some spotting.
I went in for my beta blood work this morning and as expected it was a negative result. My progesterone was good (so it should be with the awful twice daily pessaries. So far they are the worst part of this journey for me.) and now I can stop with the pessaries and wait for my period to arrive.
The husband wanted us to take a months break, but I don't think I can do that. I just want to jump straight in and get this started.
But due to his low count, he has to do a repeat analysis this week. The nurse let me know that if it's still low again, we'll have a meeting with Dr S and discuss the next step. We could be making the jump straight to IVF or even ICSI. That is not what I wanted to hear and that news upset me. It's made me all teary, because now I have to tell my husband this.
We'd discussed doing another IUI, it hadn't even crossed our minds that we could potentially be moving onto IVF or ICSI so soon. Our fs will do up to four IUIs before he recommends moving on to IVF.
It's just thrown me. Every time I think something will be simple we get thrown for a loop and things turn out to be more complicated than we expected.
And on the day of the IUI, my husbands sample wasn't that great. He's had a few anaylasis done, the first one his morphology count was low. The second one his morphology had improved but the overall count was low. And now the sample they used for the IUI, the count was even lower. Pre wash, it was 8 million. Post wash it was 2 million.
So I wasn't surprised at all when I got a few negative home pregnancy tests. But then on Saturday I got my usual monthly migraine. And Sunday night I had some spotting.
I went in for my beta blood work this morning and as expected it was a negative result. My progesterone was good (so it should be with the awful twice daily pessaries. So far they are the worst part of this journey for me.) and now I can stop with the pessaries and wait for my period to arrive.
The husband wanted us to take a months break, but I don't think I can do that. I just want to jump straight in and get this started.
But due to his low count, he has to do a repeat analysis this week. The nurse let me know that if it's still low again, we'll have a meeting with Dr S and discuss the next step. We could be making the jump straight to IVF or even ICSI. That is not what I wanted to hear and that news upset me. It's made me all teary, because now I have to tell my husband this.
We'd discussed doing another IUI, it hadn't even crossed our minds that we could potentially be moving onto IVF or ICSI so soon. Our fs will do up to four IUIs before he recommends moving on to IVF.
It's just thrown me. Every time I think something will be simple we get thrown for a loop and things turn out to be more complicated than we expected.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
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Tuesday, 24 September 2013
The two week wait sucks
By nature, I'm not a very patient person but I didn't expect the two week wait to drive me this crazy!
To be honest, the first week was fine! It was also the last week of term and I was really busy with work. Saturday we had a lazy day at home, I stayed in my pjs all day but by that night I was starting to get a bit irrititable. I wanted to do something so I'd stop thinking about the beta, but I didn't want to start a new project or finish one. I had cabin fever at 8pm at night but didn't want to get out of my comfy pjs.
I don't have work to distract me because of the school holidays so I've decided that this week I'm going to stay busy and try to get out of the house most days. Yesterday it was my fathers birthday today and I'd baked him a cake so I spent most of the day up at my parents office. Last night I played around with the layouts and templates of my blogs. Something that's been on my to do list for a while now!
So far today I've spent a few hours on the phone trying to sort out a solution to dad needing a new phone. Dad drowned his iPhone 5 but doesn't want one of the new 5s or 5c. (Yes, he knows there's not much difference but he's adamant he wants "exactly the same!") No where is selling them, so what I've done is ordered mum the new iPhone 5s and dad will get her hand me down. I also bought him an otterbox case, which he should've had to begin! He's a mechanic and spends a lot of time on his boat fishing, I really thought he would've destroyed his phone at work or on the boat, but it slipped out of his pocket when he was checking the water level of the pool.
I also need to get my filthy car cleaned today. I have to drive up to Brisbane and pick up my nanna from the airport on Thursday and my car is disgusting. Salt spray, construction dust and exhaust fumes from sitting in the basement carpark. Not to mention all the wrappers inside! I think the car wash at my local shopping centre does cheap Tuesdays so I'm going to head down there and maybe watch a movie while I'm waiting.
Wednesday I'm going shopping and getting a facial. I might surprise my husband and take him out to lunch if he's not swamped at work. I need to get some photos printed too. It's been nearly five years and I still haven't given Nanna any of the professional shots from our wedding. In saying that, I've only seen Nanna twice since our wedding, she lives in South Australia and I'm in Queensland. I should've made a trip down there to see her last year, but I had a few expensive vet bills to pay from when my littlest had surgery and I just couldn't afford it.
Thursday is Nanna day! My cousin was going to pick her up from the airport, but the air con in his car isn't working and it's meant to get up to 37c (99f) out where mum and dad live.
Friday I'm going to be baking for the big family barbecue on Saturday. It's Nanna's 80th birthday on Saturday and she loves cheesecake. So I'm going to make her one, I'm also going to make mini pavlovas because there are some strange people in my family who don't like cheesecake. And probably some lemon butter with the left over egg yolks.
Saturday is barbecue day! I'm counting on lots of family craziness to keep me distracted. Sunday we might go up and spend the day with my family again or we might stay home. It just depends on how Nannas feeling. If she's too tired and overwhelmed we'll stay away and find something to do at home.
Maybe we can go out for lunch and catch a movie. Or tackle cleaning out the spare room. Something to keep nice and busy!
To be honest, the first week was fine! It was also the last week of term and I was really busy with work. Saturday we had a lazy day at home, I stayed in my pjs all day but by that night I was starting to get a bit irrititable. I wanted to do something so I'd stop thinking about the beta, but I didn't want to start a new project or finish one. I had cabin fever at 8pm at night but didn't want to get out of my comfy pjs.
I don't have work to distract me because of the school holidays so I've decided that this week I'm going to stay busy and try to get out of the house most days. Yesterday it was my fathers birthday today and I'd baked him a cake so I spent most of the day up at my parents office. Last night I played around with the layouts and templates of my blogs. Something that's been on my to do list for a while now!
So far today I've spent a few hours on the phone trying to sort out a solution to dad needing a new phone. Dad drowned his iPhone 5 but doesn't want one of the new 5s or 5c. (Yes, he knows there's not much difference but he's adamant he wants "exactly the same!") No where is selling them, so what I've done is ordered mum the new iPhone 5s and dad will get her hand me down. I also bought him an otterbox case, which he should've had to begin! He's a mechanic and spends a lot of time on his boat fishing, I really thought he would've destroyed his phone at work or on the boat, but it slipped out of his pocket when he was checking the water level of the pool.
I also need to get my filthy car cleaned today. I have to drive up to Brisbane and pick up my nanna from the airport on Thursday and my car is disgusting. Salt spray, construction dust and exhaust fumes from sitting in the basement carpark. Not to mention all the wrappers inside! I think the car wash at my local shopping centre does cheap Tuesdays so I'm going to head down there and maybe watch a movie while I'm waiting.
Wednesday I'm going shopping and getting a facial. I might surprise my husband and take him out to lunch if he's not swamped at work. I need to get some photos printed too. It's been nearly five years and I still haven't given Nanna any of the professional shots from our wedding. In saying that, I've only seen Nanna twice since our wedding, she lives in South Australia and I'm in Queensland. I should've made a trip down there to see her last year, but I had a few expensive vet bills to pay from when my littlest had surgery and I just couldn't afford it.
Thursday is Nanna day! My cousin was going to pick her up from the airport, but the air con in his car isn't working and it's meant to get up to 37c (99f) out where mum and dad live.
Friday I'm going to be baking for the big family barbecue on Saturday. It's Nanna's 80th birthday on Saturday and she loves cheesecake. So I'm going to make her one, I'm also going to make mini pavlovas because there are some strange people in my family who don't like cheesecake. And probably some lemon butter with the left over egg yolks.
Saturday is barbecue day! I'm counting on lots of family craziness to keep me distracted. Sunday we might go up and spend the day with my family again or we might stay home. It just depends on how Nannas feeling. If she's too tired and overwhelmed we'll stay away and find something to do at home.
Maybe we can go out for lunch and catch a movie. Or tackle cleaning out the spare room. Something to keep nice and busy!
Monday, 16 September 2013
An update and our first IUI
So last Wednesday morning I had a super early ultrasound and blood test. I dragged the husband along with me, just in case Dr S was going to cancel the cycle. He was optimistic and said that my lining had grown and the lead follicle looked good. And that afternoon the nurse called me saying my numbers were 368. A nice improvement from the weekend!
Thursday I went in for another blood test and my numbers were rising nicely, so Friday morning I did the trigger shot! And that thing hurt like a bitch. The actual needle going in hurt and then when the medication went in it hurt even more, it was like a giant bee sting. The injection site stayed red and swollen for hours. And that afternoon I had waves of nausea and hot flushes. It was not nice at all!
Our iui was scheduled for 8am Saturday morning, on the weekends it's usually the on call doctor that does the iui but Dr S was consulting that morning so he came over in between appointments to do the iui, instead of Dr C who was on call.
I was really anxious, we were running late on Saturday to drop off the husbands sample. Nothing makes me more anxious than being late. When we went back for the iui I was a bit of a mess. I couldn't sit still and was making my husband a bit crazy. Plus the room we were in was hot which was making me feel worse.
Our nurse was working that Saturday too so she came in to assist Dr S. I don't like our nurse, she's overly chatting which irritates me. She also lied to me and said that the trigger shot would not hurt at all, it'd be just like the Gonal F and I'd barely feel it. When we first met with her, I asked if the iui would hurt or be uncomfortable she'd told me that it was just like having a pap smear. I have no problem with pap smears so I wasn't worried.
But she was wrong, that iui hurt. It was so uncomfortable I found myself holding my breath while tears welled up in my eyes. Dr S was asking her for something because my cervix was tilted and not co-operating but she was too busy trying to talk to me to listen to him so I was laying there while he asked her repeatedly to hand him things. Which made the procedure a few seconds (but felt like minutes or hours!) longer than it should have been. I had my husband there to hold my hand, I really just wanted her to do her job, not try and talk to me and distract me!
Once it was over I stayed laying down for 10 mins then we left. I dropped the husband off at work and went home to relax.
And now we wait. I have the unpleasant progestrone pessaries to do morning and night and a date for the beta blood test on the 30th September.
Thursday I went in for another blood test and my numbers were rising nicely, so Friday morning I did the trigger shot! And that thing hurt like a bitch. The actual needle going in hurt and then when the medication went in it hurt even more, it was like a giant bee sting. The injection site stayed red and swollen for hours. And that afternoon I had waves of nausea and hot flushes. It was not nice at all!
Our iui was scheduled for 8am Saturday morning, on the weekends it's usually the on call doctor that does the iui but Dr S was consulting that morning so he came over in between appointments to do the iui, instead of Dr C who was on call.
I was really anxious, we were running late on Saturday to drop off the husbands sample. Nothing makes me more anxious than being late. When we went back for the iui I was a bit of a mess. I couldn't sit still and was making my husband a bit crazy. Plus the room we were in was hot which was making me feel worse.
Our nurse was working that Saturday too so she came in to assist Dr S. I don't like our nurse, she's overly chatting which irritates me. She also lied to me and said that the trigger shot would not hurt at all, it'd be just like the Gonal F and I'd barely feel it. When we first met with her, I asked if the iui would hurt or be uncomfortable she'd told me that it was just like having a pap smear. I have no problem with pap smears so I wasn't worried.
But she was wrong, that iui hurt. It was so uncomfortable I found myself holding my breath while tears welled up in my eyes. Dr S was asking her for something because my cervix was tilted and not co-operating but she was too busy trying to talk to me to listen to him so I was laying there while he asked her repeatedly to hand him things. Which made the procedure a few seconds (but felt like minutes or hours!) longer than it should have been. I had my husband there to hold my hand, I really just wanted her to do her job, not try and talk to me and distract me!
Once it was over I stayed laying down for 10 mins then we left. I dropped the husband off at work and went home to relax.
And now we wait. I have the unpleasant progestrone pessaries to do morning and night and a date for the beta blood test on the 30th September.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Even lower
Shortly after I blogged yesterday the nurse rang me back with my estrogen levels. They were even lower than Fridays. Ugh. So low that that were pretty much the same as my CD 10 levels, I can't remember the exact number but it was in the mid 100's. They're not meant to be getting lower, but getting higher!
The nurse told me she'd already consulted with the on call FS, Dr F, and seeing that it's my first cycle he'd advised her to call my FS, Dr S. She was going to wait until Dr S got in touch and then she'd call or text me with what to do next. If it was to up my dosage of Gonal F or if it was a cancelled cycle. She warned that it's often hard to get in touch with the doctors if they're not on call so I might not hear from her until late in the afternoon or early evening.
But a short time later she rang me back, I'm to up my dosage from 50 to 75 for the next few days. Then on Wednesday I've got a scan and appointment with Dr S.
While it's good to hear the advice from the nurses and their opinions, on Friday afternoon when I heard my levels weren't climbing like they should be, all I wanted was to talk to Dr S and hear what he has to say.
Dr S has a very calm and professional manner. He's very thorough with all the testing and preparations but at the same time he's conservative in his treatments. He also has a lot of faith in what works and what doesn't. So to hear that he'd said that I'm to increase my dosage and have a repeat scan on Wednesday gives me a tiny little bit of hope for this cycle.
I'm still expecting him to cancel the cycle on Wednesday and call this cycle a test run with gonal f. But giving me a few more days on a higher dose makes me feel that we'll have given it a good shot and we haven't cancelled at the first sign of things not going the way they should.
The nurse told me she'd already consulted with the on call FS, Dr F, and seeing that it's my first cycle he'd advised her to call my FS, Dr S. She was going to wait until Dr S got in touch and then she'd call or text me with what to do next. If it was to up my dosage of Gonal F or if it was a cancelled cycle. She warned that it's often hard to get in touch with the doctors if they're not on call so I might not hear from her until late in the afternoon or early evening.
But a short time later she rang me back, I'm to up my dosage from 50 to 75 for the next few days. Then on Wednesday I've got a scan and appointment with Dr S.
While it's good to hear the advice from the nurses and their opinions, on Friday afternoon when I heard my levels weren't climbing like they should be, all I wanted was to talk to Dr S and hear what he has to say.
Dr S has a very calm and professional manner. He's very thorough with all the testing and preparations but at the same time he's conservative in his treatments. He also has a lot of faith in what works and what doesn't. So to hear that he'd said that I'm to increase my dosage and have a repeat scan on Wednesday gives me a tiny little bit of hope for this cycle.
I'm still expecting him to cancel the cycle on Wednesday and call this cycle a test run with gonal f. But giving me a few more days on a higher dose makes me feel that we'll have given it a good shot and we haven't cancelled at the first sign of things not going the way they should.
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Rollercoaster
Friday morning I had my scan for follicles and to check the thickness of my lining. The ultrasound was great, my lining was at 9 and the doctor said that spot on for where it should be. My left ovary had two follicles, one at 1.5 and the other at 1.8, even more good news!
I then went had had my blood taken and spoke to the nurse. She was happy with what the scan results! My clinic likes to trigger when a follicle gets to 1.9 so I was super close. She gave me the little cooler pack with my trigger shot to take home and said that she'd call me with my estrogen levels in a few hours and that I'd either be triggering Friday night or Sunday night. (My clinic isn't open on Sundays)
But then that afternoon she rang with not so good news. My estrogen levels were still low, 273 when the should be getting close to 500 by this stage. Not good, she warned me that with my estrogen levels this low it could go two ways. Either my estrogen levels will catch up over the weekend and we do the trigger and IUI early next week or this cycle will be cancelled. I got off the phone to her and cried. That morning I'd rung my husband at work with good news and warned him that he might have to go to his guys weekend a bit late because we might be doing the IUI Saturday morning. Now I had to call him back and tell him that it's ok, go to the guys weekend because this isn't going to plan. It was just so disappointing and so sad.
So the nurse booked me into the clinic for more blood work this morning and I got up at stupid o'clock, drank a litre of water (my veins are shocking, water plus something sweet makes blood tests so much easier) and drove down to the fertility clinic. Not only is the waiting room absolutely packed but a woman and her husband decided it was a smart idea to bring their 2 year old along for their appointment. Ugh. Really? There are beautiful parks all around the hospital grounds where the clinic is. Not to mention a coffee shop just next door. Your husband couldn't have taken your daughter for a walk for a few minutes?
The poor woman who came in after me, signed in, saw this little girl playing, took some tissues and walked out into the lobby to wait.
The nurse who took my blood explained that my estrogen level doesn't match up with either follicle. So they're not quite sure what's going on. It could be that the large follicle is empty and doesn't have an egg. Or it could be that my estrogen levels just take a bit longer to catch up.
And now I'm waiting for this afternoons phone call. I've tried to keep busy so I don't just sit around and stare at my phone. After I left the clinic I got something to eat and went to vote (It's our Federal Election this weekend in Australia) then drove a few suburbs over to the big home improvement store.
When I got the phone call yesterday I decided I'd need to keep busy. I wasn't sure if I was going to paint over the ugly olive green feature walls in our entry way, or buy some potting mix and seedlings. I wound up going with seedlings to redo our balcony pot plants. Once the sun is off the balcony I'll head outside and plant them all.
And I found some movie vouchers in the husbands desk drawer, so tonight I'll go and see a movie so I'm not sitting at home worrying about everything.
I just can't get over the rollercoaster of emotions. From Yay! Here's your trigger shot we'll call you with a time. To sorry, not looking good, you need to be aware that this cycle could be cancelled. From a high to a low in just a few short hours.
I then went had had my blood taken and spoke to the nurse. She was happy with what the scan results! My clinic likes to trigger when a follicle gets to 1.9 so I was super close. She gave me the little cooler pack with my trigger shot to take home and said that she'd call me with my estrogen levels in a few hours and that I'd either be triggering Friday night or Sunday night. (My clinic isn't open on Sundays)
But then that afternoon she rang with not so good news. My estrogen levels were still low, 273 when the should be getting close to 500 by this stage. Not good, she warned me that with my estrogen levels this low it could go two ways. Either my estrogen levels will catch up over the weekend and we do the trigger and IUI early next week or this cycle will be cancelled. I got off the phone to her and cried. That morning I'd rung my husband at work with good news and warned him that he might have to go to his guys weekend a bit late because we might be doing the IUI Saturday morning. Now I had to call him back and tell him that it's ok, go to the guys weekend because this isn't going to plan. It was just so disappointing and so sad.
So the nurse booked me into the clinic for more blood work this morning and I got up at stupid o'clock, drank a litre of water (my veins are shocking, water plus something sweet makes blood tests so much easier) and drove down to the fertility clinic. Not only is the waiting room absolutely packed but a woman and her husband decided it was a smart idea to bring their 2 year old along for their appointment. Ugh. Really? There are beautiful parks all around the hospital grounds where the clinic is. Not to mention a coffee shop just next door. Your husband couldn't have taken your daughter for a walk for a few minutes?
The poor woman who came in after me, signed in, saw this little girl playing, took some tissues and walked out into the lobby to wait.
The nurse who took my blood explained that my estrogen level doesn't match up with either follicle. So they're not quite sure what's going on. It could be that the large follicle is empty and doesn't have an egg. Or it could be that my estrogen levels just take a bit longer to catch up.
And now I'm waiting for this afternoons phone call. I've tried to keep busy so I don't just sit around and stare at my phone. After I left the clinic I got something to eat and went to vote (It's our Federal Election this weekend in Australia) then drove a few suburbs over to the big home improvement store.
When I got the phone call yesterday I decided I'd need to keep busy. I wasn't sure if I was going to paint over the ugly olive green feature walls in our entry way, or buy some potting mix and seedlings. I wound up going with seedlings to redo our balcony pot plants. Once the sun is off the balcony I'll head outside and plant them all.
And I found some movie vouchers in the husbands desk drawer, so tonight I'll go and see a movie so I'm not sitting at home worrying about everything.
I just can't get over the rollercoaster of emotions. From Yay! Here's your trigger shot we'll call you with a time. To sorry, not looking good, you need to be aware that this cycle could be cancelled. From a high to a low in just a few short hours.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Disappointing.
I had my blood test done yesterday to check on my estrogen levels. Yesterday was cycle day 10 and the 9th day of being on Gonal F. I was having a lot of anxiety over this blood test, I've had no symptoms or side effects at all. Usually in the lead up to ovulation I get a headache, a break out and I get ovulation pains, but I've had none of that.
I also was a bit anxious about seeing the nurse who's been assigned to us. She really doesn't have a great bedside manner and she can be quite patronising. She's also very chatty, which is ok, but it means our appointments run long because she's spent 15mins just talking at us about unrelated topics. "Oh, your last name is M**, do you know a Peter M** who is a nurse at -hospital in another state-? I worked with him for years. What about Ann M** who works at -nearby public hospital-?" Keep in mind our surname is quite common and not at all unusual. I don't like it when she does that, it makes me forget the questions I wanted to ask and I find it harder to remember the information she's given us.
But this time my nurse was busy so I saw the nurse manager, her name is also Donna. She was chatty, but straight to the point! I asked her the questions I had, she took my blood and it was a 5 min appointment.
She rang me later that afternoon with not so great news. Ideally they like to see my estrogen level heading up towards the 300-400 mark. And once it gets there, then they do daily blood tests to check that the levels are climbing and then eventually the IUI. But right now it's at 130.
I was quite disappointed. I know I'm on a low dose of Gonal F, but I kind of had faith that after 9 days of injections my body would've actually done something right for once. The nurse manager must've been able to hear the disappointment in my voice when I asked what we do next. She wants me to have more blood work again on Friday and she gave me the option of having a scan as well.
The only thing is, is that Dr S isn't working this Friday so it would have to the other FS he works with Dr B. I've never met Dr B before, but while I was waiting in pre-op to have my Lap back in July, the women in the bed next to me was having a lap by Dr B and she raved about both him and Dr S.
Dr S and Dr B share a office suite and nurse so I've seen him walk through and talk to other patients while I've been waiting to see Dr S. It's a strange set up, their suite is right next door to the fertility clinic. The fertility clinic has the lab, the embryologists and nurses rooms. There's also a few other doctors on that floor who work with the fertility clinic too.
I don't really mind which doctor does my scan, so I said I'd rather have a scan as well as a blood tests just so we know fully what's going on.
I know this first cycle was always going to be a sort of a test cycle, to see how my body reacted to the medications. This is a bit of a let down. I thought the whole point of going straight to injectables was to shorten my cycle and make this all happen faster. But the way it's going, it looks like I'm going to have another stupidly long cycle, only this time I get the added bonus of doing a shot every morning, blood tests and scans to make it seem even longer.
The worst thing is, while I'm fretting and worrying about the blood test and scan tomorrow morning, my husband will be away watching the final football game of the season. And he's not going to be home this weekend either to distract me, he's off to a weekend of computer games at a LAN.
I also was a bit anxious about seeing the nurse who's been assigned to us. She really doesn't have a great bedside manner and she can be quite patronising. She's also very chatty, which is ok, but it means our appointments run long because she's spent 15mins just talking at us about unrelated topics. "Oh, your last name is M**, do you know a Peter M** who is a nurse at -hospital in another state-? I worked with him for years. What about Ann M** who works at -nearby public hospital-?" Keep in mind our surname is quite common and not at all unusual. I don't like it when she does that, it makes me forget the questions I wanted to ask and I find it harder to remember the information she's given us.
But this time my nurse was busy so I saw the nurse manager, her name is also Donna. She was chatty, but straight to the point! I asked her the questions I had, she took my blood and it was a 5 min appointment.
She rang me later that afternoon with not so great news. Ideally they like to see my estrogen level heading up towards the 300-400 mark. And once it gets there, then they do daily blood tests to check that the levels are climbing and then eventually the IUI. But right now it's at 130.
I was quite disappointed. I know I'm on a low dose of Gonal F, but I kind of had faith that after 9 days of injections my body would've actually done something right for once. The nurse manager must've been able to hear the disappointment in my voice when I asked what we do next. She wants me to have more blood work again on Friday and she gave me the option of having a scan as well.
The only thing is, is that Dr S isn't working this Friday so it would have to the other FS he works with Dr B. I've never met Dr B before, but while I was waiting in pre-op to have my Lap back in July, the women in the bed next to me was having a lap by Dr B and she raved about both him and Dr S.
Dr S and Dr B share a office suite and nurse so I've seen him walk through and talk to other patients while I've been waiting to see Dr S. It's a strange set up, their suite is right next door to the fertility clinic. The fertility clinic has the lab, the embryologists and nurses rooms. There's also a few other doctors on that floor who work with the fertility clinic too.
I don't really mind which doctor does my scan, so I said I'd rather have a scan as well as a blood tests just so we know fully what's going on.
I know this first cycle was always going to be a sort of a test cycle, to see how my body reacted to the medications. This is a bit of a let down. I thought the whole point of going straight to injectables was to shorten my cycle and make this all happen faster. But the way it's going, it looks like I'm going to have another stupidly long cycle, only this time I get the added bonus of doing a shot every morning, blood tests and scans to make it seem even longer.
The worst thing is, while I'm fretting and worrying about the blood test and scan tomorrow morning, my husband will be away watching the final football game of the season. And he's not going to be home this weekend either to distract me, he's off to a weekend of computer games at a LAN.
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
Starting Gonal F - first injections
My period arrived on early Monday morning, I rang the fertility clinic around 9am and my nurse called me back not long afterwards. She told me to come into the clinic between 7.30am and 9am Tuesday morning to pick up my medication. She also let me know that she doesn't work on Tuesdays so I'd be meeting with one of the other nurses.
Everything was on my side Tuesday morning. Even though it was peak hour traffic, I made it down to the hospital where the fertility clinic is located, in no time. I found a park straight away without having to circle the car park. I checked in with the receptionist and sat down in the waiting room, before I even had a chance to get out my kindle a nurse had called my name.
She went over how to get the Gonal F pen ready for injection, showed it to me and then gave me the first injection. It was such a quick visit, I was home before my husband had even left for work!
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This morning I was on my own to do the injection. I knew if my husband was home it'd make me more anxious, so after he left for work I got everything ready. I laid out the instructions on the kitchen bench and read through them one last time. Then I screwed the needle onto the pen, dialed up the dosage and did the injection.
I deliberately tried not to hesitate or think about it too much. It actually surprised me at how little it hurt! I have to admit, it was a weird sensation, I didn't expect that the needle would go in so easily, I thought there'd be some resistance or that when I felt the tiny sting I'd flinch and pull the needle back out again.
But it was fine! I didn't even feel faint or queasy afterwards!
Now, I continue with the shots for a week and then next Wednesday I go in for an early morning blood draw at the clinic. They'll call me back just after lunch to let me know if I have to change my dosage or if I need to come in again the next day for more blood work or a scan.
Everything was on my side Tuesday morning. Even though it was peak hour traffic, I made it down to the hospital where the fertility clinic is located, in no time. I found a park straight away without having to circle the car park. I checked in with the receptionist and sat down in the waiting room, before I even had a chance to get out my kindle a nurse had called my name.
She went over how to get the Gonal F pen ready for injection, showed it to me and then gave me the first injection. It was such a quick visit, I was home before my husband had even left for work!
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This morning I was on my own to do the injection. I knew if my husband was home it'd make me more anxious, so after he left for work I got everything ready. I laid out the instructions on the kitchen bench and read through them one last time. Then I screwed the needle onto the pen, dialed up the dosage and did the injection.
I deliberately tried not to hesitate or think about it too much. It actually surprised me at how little it hurt! I have to admit, it was a weird sensation, I didn't expect that the needle would go in so easily, I thought there'd be some resistance or that when I felt the tiny sting I'd flinch and pull the needle back out again.
But it was fine! I didn't even feel faint or queasy afterwards!
Now, I continue with the shots for a week and then next Wednesday I go in for an early morning blood draw at the clinic. They'll call me back just after lunch to let me know if I have to change my dosage or if I need to come in again the next day for more blood work or a scan.
Saturday, 24 August 2013
Instant babies and infertility
I had a little bit of a teary moment last night. This weekend husbands family is having a big celebration for all the big birthdays, they do this every five years. My husband turned 35, his mother turns 55 and his grandfather turned 75. I'm just not looking forward to tomorrow.
I found out on Tuesday, while I was doing playground duty with my sister in law, that my brother in law and his girlfriend of four months are pregnant. Not "we just found out!" pregnant, but "we're three months along! So must've fallen pregnant as soon as we met" kind of pregnant. I was absolutely gutted. But I held it together during playground duty, and during the afternoon lessons. It wasn't until I got into the car to drive home that I cried. I am really glad that I was working at my sister in laws school and found out before the big family do. But it still hurts.
Plus, the husbands youngest cousin will be there with his baby. He and his baby mumma announced their pregnancy just a month after we started trying. If the husband and I had fallen pregnant on our very first cycle then we'd have a child the same age as cousins baby.
It just pains me that everyone else in my husbands family are so fertile, they don't even have to try! They just think pregnancy and there's a baby. I now understand why my husband was so sure we'd have an instant baby.
I'm also not sure what questions my mother in law will have for us. She is a lovely lady, not overbearing or demanding, so they won't rude or in-your-face questions. But when the husband rang her last week, he told her about our infertility. My sister in law knows, she was asking me a few things at work. So I'm wondering just how many people know.
I just thought that we'd give my mother in law her first grandbaby. I know she's super excited that we're trying, she is going to make a wonderful grandmother. She'll be the classic grandmother, knitting baby clothes, spoiling our kids when they're older with home cooked cakes and biscuits.
I just know that it's going to be hard seeing my brother in law there with his pregnant girlfriend. And to be honest, it makes me jealous and bitter. I try so darn hard to stay positive around friends and family. I don't want to be that jealous bitter women who is in the corner complaining about the cost of infertility treatment. I know once I start to slip down the path of jealousy and bitterness it's going to be extremely hard to climb back up again.
I found out on Tuesday, while I was doing playground duty with my sister in law, that my brother in law and his girlfriend of four months are pregnant. Not "we just found out!" pregnant, but "we're three months along! So must've fallen pregnant as soon as we met" kind of pregnant. I was absolutely gutted. But I held it together during playground duty, and during the afternoon lessons. It wasn't until I got into the car to drive home that I cried. I am really glad that I was working at my sister in laws school and found out before the big family do. But it still hurts.
Plus, the husbands youngest cousin will be there with his baby. He and his baby mumma announced their pregnancy just a month after we started trying. If the husband and I had fallen pregnant on our very first cycle then we'd have a child the same age as cousins baby.
It just pains me that everyone else in my husbands family are so fertile, they don't even have to try! They just think pregnancy and there's a baby. I now understand why my husband was so sure we'd have an instant baby.
I'm also not sure what questions my mother in law will have for us. She is a lovely lady, not overbearing or demanding, so they won't rude or in-your-face questions. But when the husband rang her last week, he told her about our infertility. My sister in law knows, she was asking me a few things at work. So I'm wondering just how many people know.
I just thought that we'd give my mother in law her first grandbaby. I know she's super excited that we're trying, she is going to make a wonderful grandmother. She'll be the classic grandmother, knitting baby clothes, spoiling our kids when they're older with home cooked cakes and biscuits.
I just know that it's going to be hard seeing my brother in law there with his pregnant girlfriend. And to be honest, it makes me jealous and bitter. I try so darn hard to stay positive around friends and family. I don't want to be that jealous bitter women who is in the corner complaining about the cost of infertility treatment. I know once I start to slip down the path of jealousy and bitterness it's going to be extremely hard to climb back up again.
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Step away from the computer and stop googling
I'm starting to get a few signs that my period is just around the corner. I'm quite anxious about it arriving as it means we're starting our first IUI cycle. But at the same time I'm dreading it, because all the injections, scans and blood tests seem overwhelming.
Because I'm overwhelmed and anxious, I turned to google. I've spent at least an hour tonight googling all about Gonal F, Oridrel and IUI. All with various key words like pain, painless, side effects, complications.
Then I fell down the rabbit hole and into youtube. I watched a few women giving themselves their first Gonal F injections, I promptly freaked out. Felt light headed and dizzy. I've watched at least one of these before, I'm subscribed to one vlogger in particular and when she first showed this video I was fine! But rewatching it and knowing that will be me in a few days to a week? Oh boy.
And then it got worse. I watched two educational youtube clips on IUI procedures. At the perfect moment the husband walked over and asked me what I was watching. It was just as the clip showed the catheter being threaded up through the cervix and into the uterus. He tried to reassure me by saying "it'll be fine! They'll give you the good happy drugs for that!" I had to break it to him that no, there'll be no good, happy drugs involved.
It's only just gone 9.30pm at night and I think I've got to close down the computer and go to bed. Before I spend all night googling all sorts of horror stories about IUI and injectables.
Because I'm overwhelmed and anxious, I turned to google. I've spent at least an hour tonight googling all about Gonal F, Oridrel and IUI. All with various key words like pain, painless, side effects, complications.
Then I fell down the rabbit hole and into youtube. I watched a few women giving themselves their first Gonal F injections, I promptly freaked out. Felt light headed and dizzy. I've watched at least one of these before, I'm subscribed to one vlogger in particular and when she first showed this video I was fine! But rewatching it and knowing that will be me in a few days to a week? Oh boy.
And then it got worse. I watched two educational youtube clips on IUI procedures. At the perfect moment the husband walked over and asked me what I was watching. It was just as the clip showed the catheter being threaded up through the cervix and into the uterus. He tried to reassure me by saying "it'll be fine! They'll give you the good happy drugs for that!" I had to break it to him that no, there'll be no good, happy drugs involved.
It's only just gone 9.30pm at night and I think I've got to close down the computer and go to bed. Before I spend all night googling all sorts of horror stories about IUI and injectables.
Friday, 16 August 2013
Meeting with the nurse
Yesterday was the husbands birthday and we spent a good two and a bit hours having our interview and IUI education with one of the fertility clinics nurses. Poor husband! Not a fun way to spend your birthday.
It was mostly a straight forward interview, answering questions about our health and lifestyle as well as our work. My work is going to be a bit of a problem. I've been offered a maternity leave contract but I think I'm going to have to turn it down.
We had the standard blood work taken, but we also opted to get extra testing done. To check and see if I'm a cystic fibrosis carrier as well as to check my AMH levels. Neither of those were covered by our private health insurance or medicare. We didn't have to have those extra tests done, but I'm the kind of person who likes to know all the possible outcomes.
The nurse also spoke about losing weight. Both my husband and I are overweight, but our FS hasn't said this is a problem. At our first appointment with Dr S, I was expecting him to mention it. All he said was "In a perfect world, everyone would be slim and at their ideal BMI, no-ones perfect and we can work around it."
But the nurse went on, and on, and on about it. I was ok with that, until she started recommending different diets to us. She talked about Jenny Craig, giving up alcohol (we rarely drink!), and then she recommended a Fasting diet. Apparently, this nurses husband has been on a Fasting diet and it's "medically proven". I seriously thought my eyes were going to roll out of my head when she said that. If she was referring us to a nutritionist I would've been fine with it. But when she talked about the medically proven Fasting diet and that it's healthy to lose up to 2kg a week she lost all credibility.
Then she asked if we'd like to delay our first cycle for three months to give us a chance to lose weight. Dr S didn't say anything about this! So we told the nurse we'd just like to start our first cycle straight away. I think delaying our first cycle would take a huge emotional toll on our relationship, it's been hard to just get to this point.
So the nurse continued on with the rest of education, talking about the different drugs I'll be on. I'm starting on FSH injections with a possible trigger injection. This is a bit scary, I don't have a huge problem with needles (blood work is another story!) but I don't know how I'll go injecting myself.
On day cycle day one, I'm to call the clinic. They'll have me come in that day or the following day for blood work and injectables education and I pick up my medications then. Depending on how long this cycle is, that could be anywhere from 7 - 14 days time.
Now, it's just a matter of waiting for CD 1 to arrive and then it all begins.
It was mostly a straight forward interview, answering questions about our health and lifestyle as well as our work. My work is going to be a bit of a problem. I've been offered a maternity leave contract but I think I'm going to have to turn it down.
We had the standard blood work taken, but we also opted to get extra testing done. To check and see if I'm a cystic fibrosis carrier as well as to check my AMH levels. Neither of those were covered by our private health insurance or medicare. We didn't have to have those extra tests done, but I'm the kind of person who likes to know all the possible outcomes.
The nurse also spoke about losing weight. Both my husband and I are overweight, but our FS hasn't said this is a problem. At our first appointment with Dr S, I was expecting him to mention it. All he said was "In a perfect world, everyone would be slim and at their ideal BMI, no-ones perfect and we can work around it."
But the nurse went on, and on, and on about it. I was ok with that, until she started recommending different diets to us. She talked about Jenny Craig, giving up alcohol (we rarely drink!), and then she recommended a Fasting diet. Apparently, this nurses husband has been on a Fasting diet and it's "medically proven". I seriously thought my eyes were going to roll out of my head when she said that. If she was referring us to a nutritionist I would've been fine with it. But when she talked about the medically proven Fasting diet and that it's healthy to lose up to 2kg a week she lost all credibility.
Then she asked if we'd like to delay our first cycle for three months to give us a chance to lose weight. Dr S didn't say anything about this! So we told the nurse we'd just like to start our first cycle straight away. I think delaying our first cycle would take a huge emotional toll on our relationship, it's been hard to just get to this point.
So the nurse continued on with the rest of education, talking about the different drugs I'll be on. I'm starting on FSH injections with a possible trigger injection. This is a bit scary, I don't have a huge problem with needles (blood work is another story!) but I don't know how I'll go injecting myself.
On day cycle day one, I'm to call the clinic. They'll have me come in that day or the following day for blood work and injectables education and I pick up my medications then. Depending on how long this cycle is, that could be anywhere from 7 - 14 days time.
Now, it's just a matter of waiting for CD 1 to arrive and then it all begins.
Friday, 9 August 2013
Post-op appointment and the next stage
I had my follow up appointment today with Dr S.
He checked out my incisions, I've been a bit concerned about the one on my bikini line where the drain was. It's been slow to heal, the other three are healing well but this one is causing me a bit of trouble. It's not infected, just healing slowly. I think it's because it's in an awkward spot and my clothes rub on it a bit. But they're all looking good, I just have to keep that one covered for a while longer.
I also told him about the muscular pain I've been having. He said it's normal and I just need to slow down and give my body a chance to heal. There's only so much resting I can do. The dishwasher won't load itself and the washing has been piling up, making me crazy. I've got to bend and twist to do both those chores.
He also reviewed the husbands results from his last analysis in June. They're ok, what Dr S calls a borderline result. Not good, but just below average on motility and count. For a couple with no fertility problems, a result like this would be fine. But with my problems and our age, it's not that great.
Then Dr S went over the surgery. My fallopian tubes are fine, the dye test was perfect. He removed the large cyst, it had grown to nearly twice the size of my ovary. Luckily it was just a simple cyst, not a chocolate endometrial type one. And on the other ovary that is covered in pcos type cysts, he drained the majority of those ones as well.
He also removed a lot of endometriosis. There wasn't huge amounts of it, it was just little patches everywhere. On the photos he showed us, it just looked like little clusters of blisters. Even though they were small it was quite extensive. It was on the outside of my uterus, both the front and the back. On the ligaments, the pelvic wall, the pouch of douglas, on my bladder and bowel. Which explains why going to the bathroom after my surgery was uncomfortable and why for a few days I was sure I was getting a uti. Unfortunately, the endo can come back. I've got a 30% chance of it reoccurring, but if it is going to come back, it usually takes around 18 months.
Dr S gave us two options. We can go away and try on our own without any science for three months, or we can jump straight into a medicated cycle and IUI. He explained for our age, a couple has a 22% chance of falling pregnant each month. With the husbands results and the fact that it doesn't look like I ovulate regularly it reduces our odds down to 12%.
A teeny tiny part of me wants to try on our own, I think it's the fact that I wish my body just worked the way it's meant to. But those odds aren't good. We've been trying for 15 months now and it's starting to take it's toll. We're also getting older, my husband turns 35 next week. So we've decided we're going to go straight to medicated cycles with monitoring and IUI.
Our next appointment is an information session with the nurses at the fertility clinic that Dr S works with. It's right next door to his office, in the same building. We'll get all the information and quote for the price of it then. Both my husband and I will have blood work done then, and the husband will have to have yet another analysis done too, but not on that day, it'll just be organised and a time booked. Poor husband, the only time that worked for both of us as well as the fertility clinic is on his birthday. The appointment is at 11am, so we'll have to go out for a quick lunch afterwards to make up for it.
Our first cycle will be some time in mid to late September. Dr S wants my body to heal fully first. I'm glad he said September, this month is getting a bit crazy. I've got a 5 day contract already booked and there's no way I'd be able to get into the clinic for monitoring. I leave for work by 7am and I don't get home until 5pm at the earliest. And there's no taking half days or going in late with my line of work. It's either a full day or a day off.
It's crazy to think that if this all works first time round, we could have a little winter baby due in June!
(I know the chances of it working first time aren't that great. And Dr S made sure to tell us that he only likes to do IUI 3-4 times before moving on to IVF so that's still in the back of my mind. But I can't help myself but count forward nine months!)
He checked out my incisions, I've been a bit concerned about the one on my bikini line where the drain was. It's been slow to heal, the other three are healing well but this one is causing me a bit of trouble. It's not infected, just healing slowly. I think it's because it's in an awkward spot and my clothes rub on it a bit. But they're all looking good, I just have to keep that one covered for a while longer.
I also told him about the muscular pain I've been having. He said it's normal and I just need to slow down and give my body a chance to heal. There's only so much resting I can do. The dishwasher won't load itself and the washing has been piling up, making me crazy. I've got to bend and twist to do both those chores.
He also reviewed the husbands results from his last analysis in June. They're ok, what Dr S calls a borderline result. Not good, but just below average on motility and count. For a couple with no fertility problems, a result like this would be fine. But with my problems and our age, it's not that great.
Then Dr S went over the surgery. My fallopian tubes are fine, the dye test was perfect. He removed the large cyst, it had grown to nearly twice the size of my ovary. Luckily it was just a simple cyst, not a chocolate endometrial type one. And on the other ovary that is covered in pcos type cysts, he drained the majority of those ones as well.
He also removed a lot of endometriosis. There wasn't huge amounts of it, it was just little patches everywhere. On the photos he showed us, it just looked like little clusters of blisters. Even though they were small it was quite extensive. It was on the outside of my uterus, both the front and the back. On the ligaments, the pelvic wall, the pouch of douglas, on my bladder and bowel. Which explains why going to the bathroom after my surgery was uncomfortable and why for a few days I was sure I was getting a uti. Unfortunately, the endo can come back. I've got a 30% chance of it reoccurring, but if it is going to come back, it usually takes around 18 months.
Dr S gave us two options. We can go away and try on our own without any science for three months, or we can jump straight into a medicated cycle and IUI. He explained for our age, a couple has a 22% chance of falling pregnant each month. With the husbands results and the fact that it doesn't look like I ovulate regularly it reduces our odds down to 12%.
A teeny tiny part of me wants to try on our own, I think it's the fact that I wish my body just worked the way it's meant to. But those odds aren't good. We've been trying for 15 months now and it's starting to take it's toll. We're also getting older, my husband turns 35 next week. So we've decided we're going to go straight to medicated cycles with monitoring and IUI.
Our next appointment is an information session with the nurses at the fertility clinic that Dr S works with. It's right next door to his office, in the same building. We'll get all the information and quote for the price of it then. Both my husband and I will have blood work done then, and the husband will have to have yet another analysis done too, but not on that day, it'll just be organised and a time booked. Poor husband, the only time that worked for both of us as well as the fertility clinic is on his birthday. The appointment is at 11am, so we'll have to go out for a quick lunch afterwards to make up for it.
Our first cycle will be some time in mid to late September. Dr S wants my body to heal fully first. I'm glad he said September, this month is getting a bit crazy. I've got a 5 day contract already booked and there's no way I'd be able to get into the clinic for monitoring. I leave for work by 7am and I don't get home until 5pm at the earliest. And there's no taking half days or going in late with my line of work. It's either a full day or a day off.
It's crazy to think that if this all works first time round, we could have a little winter baby due in June!
(I know the chances of it working first time aren't that great. And Dr S made sure to tell us that he only likes to do IUI 3-4 times before moving on to IVF so that's still in the back of my mind. But I can't help myself but count forward nine months!)
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Surgery over, home and recovering
I had my lap yesterday morning. Monday I had to do the dreaded bowel prep, which to be honest, wasn't that bad. It just left me grumpy and hungry. Man I wanted a cheeseburger so badly!
Yesterday was an early start to the day, my admission time was 7am and after just a few hours sleep we were up and on the way to the hospital. I checked in, paid the insurance excess and went into pre-op quite quickly.
When they took my blood pressure I was sure it was going to be sky high, but it wasn't, it was normal. My blood pressure tends to get high when I'm in pain or anxious or even hungry so that was a pleasant surprise to find it was well within the normal range. Then I said good bye to my hubby (who went home for a well deserved nap) and I went off to get changed into a fetching paper gown with matching underwear and cap. Then the nurse helped me into the oh-so-sexy pressure stockings and tucked me in to bed with a heated blanket, while I waited for my turn to be wheeled to the theatre.
The anesthesiologist met with me while I was waiting. I explained about my fear of vomiting and that last time I felt incredibly ill after my surgery. He assured me that he doesn't use the gas as that tends to make people wake up sick. He also made a note in my chart so that I'd receive some anti-nausea medication in my drip when I started to come around.
Next thing I know they were wheeling me into the theatre, one person was putting a blood pressure cuff on my arm and another putting in a drip. Last thing I remember is being told that they were putting in the medication to relax me and then I woke up in recovery.
The nurse who looked after me in recovery was worth her weight in gold! I was in quite a lot of pain but couldn't get the words out, but she recognised my mumbling straight away and soon got my pain under control. It was like the worst period cramps, times 10. I know I asked her if I had a catheter about three times, it was a relief to find out I didn't have one! I also remember Dr S coming around to see me, I just heard his voice and felt him patting me on the foot. But I have no clue what he said.
They moved me into my room and then soon after my husband turned up to check on me. Visiting hours had just ended so he only stayed for about 20mins to make sure I was settled before heading home again. Poor guy, he got to see me at my worst, when the nurses changed me out of my gown and into my own pjs. I even had to use the bathroom in front of him and the nurses. I never ever do that. I can't even go if the door is open, but I was too groggy to care. I do remember cracking a joke to him as I was waking up. Something along the lines of "I went to sleep with underwear on and woke up without them!"
The worst thing was not being able to get up and pee on my own. I had a drain and a drip so each time I had to pee, I had to buzz the nurse so she would come and unhook me so I could get up. The period type pain didn't last too long. It turned more into a deep, nearly muscular, kind of ache.
I was just dozing off when they brought in my roommate. There was a mix up with my dinner and I didn't get my meal even though I'd ordered it that morning. In the end they scrounged up a stale sandwich (egg! yuck!) for me but I wound up calling my hubby to bring me a ham and cheese toasted sandwich from subway and some cookies. Not only did he arrive with subway, but he also bought me a gorgeous little teddy bear from the giftshop, which made me all teary. He's such a sweetie!
I was just eating subway when Dr S arrived at about 7.30pm. I hadn't expected him to visit so late. He told me there was extensive endo which he removed, as well as removing the large cysts on my left ovary. But he didn't have to take the left tube. That was the best news! What had shown up on the ultrasound was actually a cyst, not a fluid filled tube.
I had a bit of a rough night the nurses were in and out all night taking my obs and my roommates. I had to ask for top up painkillers a few times too. Then there was problems with my drip and I had to pee all the damn time but the nurses were busy so I'd have to wait and by then my bladder would be super full causing more pain. And around 4am I woke with a shocking headache so had to ask for panadol. I think it was a caffeine withdrawal headache, hubby had bought me a diet coke with my subway so I had some of that with my panadol and it went away pretty quickly.
I gave up trying to sleep around 5am. I was due to be discharged at 9am, hubby arrived just before 9 just as Dr S came around to check in on me. He spoke to hubby and I and explained he'll go into more detail at our follow up appointment next Friday, and show us the photos of what he found and did. He checked out my four incisions and asked how the pain was, then gave the go ahead for the nurse to remove my drip and drain and send me home!
It took a while to get the discharge papers sorted out, but we were home just before lunch. With a quick detour to Maccas so I could get my cheeseburger and iced coffee. I swear, it was the best damn cheeseburger I've ever eaten.
I'm hobbling around ok, but getting up from the lounge or bed is a struggle. I know my husband had planned on going back to work tomorrow but at this stage I'm going to need him home to help me out. Luckily work is a little bit quiet, he's been working on a big project that's due to be released in the next two weeks but there's been a delay which is good timing, he'll probably work from home tomorrow just to help me out a bit. Once I'm up I'm ok, but it's getting up that's the problem.
I had a nap this afternoon and then we ducked out to the chemist. One of my dressings is starting to lift up and another is looking a bit icky so I needed to get some more. I learnt my lesson from last time I had a lap, get the easy to remove dressings! They're more expensive but are so worth it.
My worst pain is coming from my belly button, it feels seriously messed up. I haven't looked at it yet, Last time my belly button incision took a long time to heal. I'm not sure if the pain is cos of the scar tissue or the incision is bigger or what. I do have a bit of muscular pain too, any time I use my core muscles I feel it! I don't have any bruising this time round, just a few tiny marks near my left incision. Last time I was covered in bruises, but I didn't have as many incision sites last time either.
I'm glad this hurdle is over. The next step is hearing which way forward Dr S wants to go, I'm pretty sure it'll be IUI seeing as I got to keep my tube. Then it really gets serious. I'm getting close to our first cycle which is closer to pregnancy and motherhood. It would be truly wonderful to be pregnant before the end of the year!
Yesterday was an early start to the day, my admission time was 7am and after just a few hours sleep we were up and on the way to the hospital. I checked in, paid the insurance excess and went into pre-op quite quickly.
When they took my blood pressure I was sure it was going to be sky high, but it wasn't, it was normal. My blood pressure tends to get high when I'm in pain or anxious or even hungry so that was a pleasant surprise to find it was well within the normal range. Then I said good bye to my hubby (who went home for a well deserved nap) and I went off to get changed into a fetching paper gown with matching underwear and cap. Then the nurse helped me into the oh-so-sexy pressure stockings and tucked me in to bed with a heated blanket, while I waited for my turn to be wheeled to the theatre.
The anesthesiologist met with me while I was waiting. I explained about my fear of vomiting and that last time I felt incredibly ill after my surgery. He assured me that he doesn't use the gas as that tends to make people wake up sick. He also made a note in my chart so that I'd receive some anti-nausea medication in my drip when I started to come around.
Next thing I know they were wheeling me into the theatre, one person was putting a blood pressure cuff on my arm and another putting in a drip. Last thing I remember is being told that they were putting in the medication to relax me and then I woke up in recovery.
The nurse who looked after me in recovery was worth her weight in gold! I was in quite a lot of pain but couldn't get the words out, but she recognised my mumbling straight away and soon got my pain under control. It was like the worst period cramps, times 10. I know I asked her if I had a catheter about three times, it was a relief to find out I didn't have one! I also remember Dr S coming around to see me, I just heard his voice and felt him patting me on the foot. But I have no clue what he said.
They moved me into my room and then soon after my husband turned up to check on me. Visiting hours had just ended so he only stayed for about 20mins to make sure I was settled before heading home again. Poor guy, he got to see me at my worst, when the nurses changed me out of my gown and into my own pjs. I even had to use the bathroom in front of him and the nurses. I never ever do that. I can't even go if the door is open, but I was too groggy to care. I do remember cracking a joke to him as I was waking up. Something along the lines of "I went to sleep with underwear on and woke up without them!"
The worst thing was not being able to get up and pee on my own. I had a drain and a drip so each time I had to pee, I had to buzz the nurse so she would come and unhook me so I could get up. The period type pain didn't last too long. It turned more into a deep, nearly muscular, kind of ache.
I was just dozing off when they brought in my roommate. There was a mix up with my dinner and I didn't get my meal even though I'd ordered it that morning. In the end they scrounged up a stale sandwich (egg! yuck!) for me but I wound up calling my hubby to bring me a ham and cheese toasted sandwich from subway and some cookies. Not only did he arrive with subway, but he also bought me a gorgeous little teddy bear from the giftshop, which made me all teary. He's such a sweetie!
I was just eating subway when Dr S arrived at about 7.30pm. I hadn't expected him to visit so late. He told me there was extensive endo which he removed, as well as removing the large cysts on my left ovary. But he didn't have to take the left tube. That was the best news! What had shown up on the ultrasound was actually a cyst, not a fluid filled tube.
I had a bit of a rough night the nurses were in and out all night taking my obs and my roommates. I had to ask for top up painkillers a few times too. Then there was problems with my drip and I had to pee all the damn time but the nurses were busy so I'd have to wait and by then my bladder would be super full causing more pain. And around 4am I woke with a shocking headache so had to ask for panadol. I think it was a caffeine withdrawal headache, hubby had bought me a diet coke with my subway so I had some of that with my panadol and it went away pretty quickly.
I gave up trying to sleep around 5am. I was due to be discharged at 9am, hubby arrived just before 9 just as Dr S came around to check in on me. He spoke to hubby and I and explained he'll go into more detail at our follow up appointment next Friday, and show us the photos of what he found and did. He checked out my four incisions and asked how the pain was, then gave the go ahead for the nurse to remove my drip and drain and send me home!
It took a while to get the discharge papers sorted out, but we were home just before lunch. With a quick detour to Maccas so I could get my cheeseburger and iced coffee. I swear, it was the best damn cheeseburger I've ever eaten.
I'm hobbling around ok, but getting up from the lounge or bed is a struggle. I know my husband had planned on going back to work tomorrow but at this stage I'm going to need him home to help me out. Luckily work is a little bit quiet, he's been working on a big project that's due to be released in the next two weeks but there's been a delay which is good timing, he'll probably work from home tomorrow just to help me out a bit. Once I'm up I'm ok, but it's getting up that's the problem.
I had a nap this afternoon and then we ducked out to the chemist. One of my dressings is starting to lift up and another is looking a bit icky so I needed to get some more. I learnt my lesson from last time I had a lap, get the easy to remove dressings! They're more expensive but are so worth it.
My worst pain is coming from my belly button, it feels seriously messed up. I haven't looked at it yet, Last time my belly button incision took a long time to heal. I'm not sure if the pain is cos of the scar tissue or the incision is bigger or what. I do have a bit of muscular pain too, any time I use my core muscles I feel it! I don't have any bruising this time round, just a few tiny marks near my left incision. Last time I was covered in bruises, but I didn't have as many incision sites last time either.
I'm glad this hurdle is over. The next step is hearing which way forward Dr S wants to go, I'm pretty sure it'll be IUI seeing as I got to keep my tube. Then it really gets serious. I'm getting close to our first cycle which is closer to pregnancy and motherhood. It would be truly wonderful to be pregnant before the end of the year!
Monday, 29 July 2013
The day before
Tomorrow is my lap. I'm a bit anxious about it, I had a super busy weekend with a family lunch on Saturday for my brothers birthday. I'd made him a cake (which took all of Friday to do, but it turned out well!) and it was a good distraction.
Then on Sunday I got stuck into the washing. I put a few slow cooker meals together and froze them. So all hubby has to do is take them straight from the freezer and put them in the slow cooker and dinner is done. I also made his lunches for the week, I usually cook a pasta or casserole dish and freeze it into single portions, he takes these to work and by lunch time they're defrosted and he just has to heat them for a few mins.
But now it's Monday, the day before my surgery. I'm all on edge and upset. I came close to tears twice before hubby left for work. I think what I'm dreading most is the bowel prep (urgh, it does not sound pleasent!) and then waking up after the surgery.
Last time I came out of anesthesia I was really ill and nauseated. I have a huge fear of vomiting and feeling sick. I'm not looking forward to that part at all.
I also carry my stress and tension in my neck and back. I've been waking up with really bad neck and shoulder pain the last few nights. To the point where it takes me a good 10 mins to be able to get up and move freely, as I can barely move my arms and neck. And that's with my little nest of pillows, how much pain am I going to be in when I wake up from the anesthesia? Or after spending the night in a hospital bed?
It doesn't help that my husband keeps talking about how he's going to spend his time off work, as if he's taking a mini holiday. It's not a holiday! It's time off to look after and support me through surgery. I keep telling him that it's not like dropping relatives off at the airport, you don't get to kick me out of the car in the drop off zone at the hospital.
I need him there to tell me it's going to be ok, to look after me and make sure I'm ok. I'm not normally clingy and needy like this, usually I'm pretty independent. When I'm sick, I just want to be left alone until I'm better. But I know from past experience that I'm not like that after anesthesia. I wake up and feel sick and weepy for a few days afterwards. It turns me into a big emotional wreck.
In a few days time this will all be over with. I'll have had my surgery and will be at home resting and recovering. But for now I'm stressing out and worrying about everything.
Then on Sunday I got stuck into the washing. I put a few slow cooker meals together and froze them. So all hubby has to do is take them straight from the freezer and put them in the slow cooker and dinner is done. I also made his lunches for the week, I usually cook a pasta or casserole dish and freeze it into single portions, he takes these to work and by lunch time they're defrosted and he just has to heat them for a few mins.
But now it's Monday, the day before my surgery. I'm all on edge and upset. I came close to tears twice before hubby left for work. I think what I'm dreading most is the bowel prep (urgh, it does not sound pleasent!) and then waking up after the surgery.
Last time I came out of anesthesia I was really ill and nauseated. I have a huge fear of vomiting and feeling sick. I'm not looking forward to that part at all.
I also carry my stress and tension in my neck and back. I've been waking up with really bad neck and shoulder pain the last few nights. To the point where it takes me a good 10 mins to be able to get up and move freely, as I can barely move my arms and neck. And that's with my little nest of pillows, how much pain am I going to be in when I wake up from the anesthesia? Or after spending the night in a hospital bed?
It doesn't help that my husband keeps talking about how he's going to spend his time off work, as if he's taking a mini holiday. It's not a holiday! It's time off to look after and support me through surgery. I keep telling him that it's not like dropping relatives off at the airport, you don't get to kick me out of the car in the drop off zone at the hospital.
I need him there to tell me it's going to be ok, to look after me and make sure I'm ok. I'm not normally clingy and needy like this, usually I'm pretty independent. When I'm sick, I just want to be left alone until I'm better. But I know from past experience that I'm not like that after anesthesia. I wake up and feel sick and weepy for a few days afterwards. It turns me into a big emotional wreck.
In a few days time this will all be over with. I'll have had my surgery and will be at home resting and recovering. But for now I'm stressing out and worrying about everything.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Lost for words
I've been working this week, on Monday afternoon I got a call asking if I was available to take a 5 day contract with a year 2 class. It's the same class I worked with a lot last year when they were in year 1.
I wasn't expecting to pick up work during the first week of term, nor was I expecting to pick up a contract! To be honest, I thought that this month and most of next month would be out for work, what with all the medical, dental and surgery appointments I've got going on.
This particular school I work at is over an hours drive away, there are tonnes of schools near where I live, but in my region there is a flood of new graduate teachers looking for casual supply work thanks to the two universities nearby. The next region over is a lot more rural and I get called in to work at this school a fair bit.
It also happens to be closer to my parents and family, so if I have to make a trip out there I'll try and time it for a day I'm working as I'm only 45mins away from them.
On Friday I knew I'd be able to get away from work early because we had the annual sports day at work. My husband had built a computer for my parents office so I made plans to drop it off.
It was about 4.30pm by the time I got to mum's office. I walked in through the roller door and headed towards the office, mum and one of the night shift employees were there talking. I dropped the box on the the counter and went to join them.
I said hi to mum and she turned to me and said "we were just talking about grandkids. J. keeps saying they're so expensive with all the latest toys they want. I told him I wouldn't know because neither you or your brother have given me any yet."
I was lost for words. All I could think was "YOU think they're expensive? You're not the one going through thousands of dollars of medical procedures to have them."
Then I got cranky. My parents are the only family members we've told about our infertility struggles. I confided in them, they know I'm having a lap later on this month. I had to walk away from mum and J. I used the excuse of getting a drink out of the fridge in the kitchen.
By the time I came back J had left and mum had no clue she'd said anything wrong.
It took a while for me to set up her computer, I had to back up a few programs on the old machine and load them onto the new one. By this stage it was just her and I left at the office. While we were waiting she asked about my surgery, I explained how one of my fallopian tubes is blocked and she asked "is that because you've had an ectopic pregnancy? Were you pregnant and didn't tell us?" I just said no and changed the subject.
It wasn't until I got home that what she'd said really hit home. Through my tears I told my husband what mum had said. He tried to reassure me that she didn't mean it, that it was a case of her putting her foot in her mouth. But that just made me cry harder.
I feel broken. Physically broken because my body can't do what it's supposed to be. Mentally broken because I no longer have the strength to deal with my insensitive family. Some days I just want to hide away with my husband and cats and pretend this isn't real.
I wasn't expecting to pick up work during the first week of term, nor was I expecting to pick up a contract! To be honest, I thought that this month and most of next month would be out for work, what with all the medical, dental and surgery appointments I've got going on.
This particular school I work at is over an hours drive away, there are tonnes of schools near where I live, but in my region there is a flood of new graduate teachers looking for casual supply work thanks to the two universities nearby. The next region over is a lot more rural and I get called in to work at this school a fair bit.
It also happens to be closer to my parents and family, so if I have to make a trip out there I'll try and time it for a day I'm working as I'm only 45mins away from them.
On Friday I knew I'd be able to get away from work early because we had the annual sports day at work. My husband had built a computer for my parents office so I made plans to drop it off.
It was about 4.30pm by the time I got to mum's office. I walked in through the roller door and headed towards the office, mum and one of the night shift employees were there talking. I dropped the box on the the counter and went to join them.
I said hi to mum and she turned to me and said "we were just talking about grandkids. J. keeps saying they're so expensive with all the latest toys they want. I told him I wouldn't know because neither you or your brother have given me any yet."
I was lost for words. All I could think was "YOU think they're expensive? You're not the one going through thousands of dollars of medical procedures to have them."
Then I got cranky. My parents are the only family members we've told about our infertility struggles. I confided in them, they know I'm having a lap later on this month. I had to walk away from mum and J. I used the excuse of getting a drink out of the fridge in the kitchen.
By the time I came back J had left and mum had no clue she'd said anything wrong.
It took a while for me to set up her computer, I had to back up a few programs on the old machine and load them onto the new one. By this stage it was just her and I left at the office. While we were waiting she asked about my surgery, I explained how one of my fallopian tubes is blocked and she asked "is that because you've had an ectopic pregnancy? Were you pregnant and didn't tell us?" I just said no and changed the subject.
It wasn't until I got home that what she'd said really hit home. Through my tears I told my husband what mum had said. He tried to reassure me that she didn't mean it, that it was a case of her putting her foot in her mouth. But that just made me cry harder.
I feel broken. Physically broken because my body can't do what it's supposed to be. Mentally broken because I no longer have the strength to deal with my insensitive family. Some days I just want to hide away with my husband and cats and pretend this isn't real.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Some weeks just suck
I really do try to be positive about most things, but sometimes I just can't find anything to be positive about. And sometimes, weeks like this just suck.
Late last week I was texting a friend, I couldn't remember a name of an app they had on their iPad. I was setting up mum's iPad (her birthday gift from dad) and thought it was one that she might enjoy. We were texting for a while and they asked how I was, (last time we spoke I'd mentioned we'd gotten the referral from the GP). This friend is one of the few who knows that we've been ttc for over a year. I told them that we'd had our first appointment with the FS and I'd booked my lap. I then asked how they were, their response? "Oh, I'm so tired. My six month old never sleeps and day care is costing me a fortune". Nice.
I don't expect everyone to know what it's like to be on this journey. Nor do I expect everyone to be sympathetic. But come on, would it kill you to be tactful for once? I tell you about my anxieties to do with fertility treatments and upcoming surgery and your response is to complain about your baby.
And this week just gets even worse. I went to the dentist again this week because one of the teeth I had filled back in April is bothering me again. Best cause scenario? It's a lingering sinus infection causing the pain. Worst case? I need a root canal (or two). And that my impacted wisdom teeth should come out sooner rather than later.
I've been on antibotics since Monday but the pain is still there, so I'm pretty sure I need a root canal. Under our health insurance root canals are classed as major dental. Surgical removal of a tooth (requiring sedation) as well as regular and complicated removals (done in the chair at the dentists office, not under twilight just with local anesthetic) are also classed as major dental. And I'm pretty sure that one root canal will use up nearly all of my major dental benefits for the year.
I was hoping not to have to use my major dental, and to put that towards having my wisdom teeth out. I'll have to be sedated and have my wisdom teeth out in hospital, I have a tiny mouth, big teeth and my wisdom teeth look scary on xrays. If I'm admitted to hospital I have to pay an excess to my health insurance, but I only have to pay it once per calendar year. So I figured if I'm paying it once for my lap, then I'll have my wisdom teeth taken that same year and not have to pay the excess twice.
But this root canal will screw all of that up. And it's going to screw up the timing of our fertility treatments too. I was hoping to have my wisdom teeth out after my lap but before our first cycle. Now I don't know what I'll do.
It's just all too much. It all comes down to, my body is broken and not doing what it should do naturally. If I could just fall pregnant naturally I wouldn't be so anxious. I'd be able to congratulate people on their pregnancies. I'd be able to walk down the baby aisles at the supermarket and department stores without getting tears in my eyes. I wouldn't be spending thousands of dollars, countless months and doctors visits to fall pregnant. And I wouldn't have to plan my life around appointments, blood work and ultrasounds.
I never imagined that just getting pregnant would be the hard part. I always thought that labour and sleepless nights with a newborn would be the hard part.
Late last week I was texting a friend, I couldn't remember a name of an app they had on their iPad. I was setting up mum's iPad (her birthday gift from dad) and thought it was one that she might enjoy. We were texting for a while and they asked how I was, (last time we spoke I'd mentioned we'd gotten the referral from the GP). This friend is one of the few who knows that we've been ttc for over a year. I told them that we'd had our first appointment with the FS and I'd booked my lap. I then asked how they were, their response? "Oh, I'm so tired. My six month old never sleeps and day care is costing me a fortune". Nice.
I don't expect everyone to know what it's like to be on this journey. Nor do I expect everyone to be sympathetic. But come on, would it kill you to be tactful for once? I tell you about my anxieties to do with fertility treatments and upcoming surgery and your response is to complain about your baby.
And this week just gets even worse. I went to the dentist again this week because one of the teeth I had filled back in April is bothering me again. Best cause scenario? It's a lingering sinus infection causing the pain. Worst case? I need a root canal (or two). And that my impacted wisdom teeth should come out sooner rather than later.
I've been on antibotics since Monday but the pain is still there, so I'm pretty sure I need a root canal. Under our health insurance root canals are classed as major dental. Surgical removal of a tooth (requiring sedation) as well as regular and complicated removals (done in the chair at the dentists office, not under twilight just with local anesthetic) are also classed as major dental. And I'm pretty sure that one root canal will use up nearly all of my major dental benefits for the year.
I was hoping not to have to use my major dental, and to put that towards having my wisdom teeth out. I'll have to be sedated and have my wisdom teeth out in hospital, I have a tiny mouth, big teeth and my wisdom teeth look scary on xrays. If I'm admitted to hospital I have to pay an excess to my health insurance, but I only have to pay it once per calendar year. So I figured if I'm paying it once for my lap, then I'll have my wisdom teeth taken that same year and not have to pay the excess twice.
But this root canal will screw all of that up. And it's going to screw up the timing of our fertility treatments too. I was hoping to have my wisdom teeth out after my lap but before our first cycle. Now I don't know what I'll do.
It's just all too much. It all comes down to, my body is broken and not doing what it should do naturally. If I could just fall pregnant naturally I wouldn't be so anxious. I'd be able to congratulate people on their pregnancies. I'd be able to walk down the baby aisles at the supermarket and department stores without getting tears in my eyes. I wouldn't be spending thousands of dollars, countless months and doctors visits to fall pregnant. And I wouldn't have to plan my life around appointments, blood work and ultrasounds.
I never imagined that just getting pregnant would be the hard part. I always thought that labour and sleepless nights with a newborn would be the hard part.
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
The plan
After playing phone tag with the nurse for the last week and a half, I finally got through to her. Well, she left a message for me with one of the receptionists. Ugh. Not a great first impression of what it's like to try and get results from the clinic. I hope this doesn't happen when things are serious and timing matters.
By the time I finally did get the results of my blood work, it was a moot point as my period arrived that morning. A 57 day cycle, that's a new record for me. But I also got the results of my husbands second analysis. And his morphology results are still not that great, his first test they were 1% and because I didn't speak directly to the nurse, I don't know the number this time around just that they were "borderline" which is how Dr S described the first results.
Our first step is for me to have the lap and then after that we'll move straight onto IUI. If during my lap they find both fallopian tubes are blocked or they have to remove both then it'll be IVF instead of IUI.
While I was on the phone with the receptionist, I booked my lap in for the 30th July. I would've liked to have it sooner but Dr S will be on holidays for two weeks in July, and my husband has to put in for leave a month in advance, so late July it is.
I also booked my surgical education and pre-op appointment with Dr S, which is the week before my surgery. And booked my post op appointment for the 9th of August. That's when we'll discuss the results of the surgery as well as making plans for our first cycle. It still just seems so far away.
By the time I finally did get the results of my blood work, it was a moot point as my period arrived that morning. A 57 day cycle, that's a new record for me. But I also got the results of my husbands second analysis. And his morphology results are still not that great, his first test they were 1% and because I didn't speak directly to the nurse, I don't know the number this time around just that they were "borderline" which is how Dr S described the first results.
Our first step is for me to have the lap and then after that we'll move straight onto IUI. If during my lap they find both fallopian tubes are blocked or they have to remove both then it'll be IVF instead of IUI.
While I was on the phone with the receptionist, I booked my lap in for the 30th July. I would've liked to have it sooner but Dr S will be on holidays for two weeks in July, and my husband has to put in for leave a month in advance, so late July it is.
I also booked my surgical education and pre-op appointment with Dr S, which is the week before my surgery. And booked my post op appointment for the 9th of August. That's when we'll discuss the results of the surgery as well as making plans for our first cycle. It still just seems so far away.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Talking with the husband
This morning my husband had an appointment to drop off a sample at the Fertility Clinics lab. We live only 10mins away from the clinic but it was peak hour traffic so it took us a bit longer to get there so we were chatting while we were caught in traffic.
I asked my husband if he there was anything I should ask the nurse when I ring for my results this afternoon. He said there wasn't and then he was quiet for a few minutes before he said "did you notice that Dr S's computer was running XP while the nurse's computer was running Windows 7? I wonder if that's because Dr S is using some programs that aren't compatible with Windows 7?"
On the way home from Dr S's office on Friday, he asked a similar question about the ultrasound machine. I asked if he was uncomfortable being with me while the ultrasound was done, as it was an internal. His response was "no, you were covered up. I just couldn't work out the picture on the screen. How does the image get mapped like that? I wonder what software that is?"
Ah, to be married to a database administrator and someone who writes code just for fun.
Saturday, 8 June 2013
First appointment with Dr. S
Yesterday afternoon was our first appointment with our fertility specialist, Dr. S. I wasn't sure what to expect, it was scheduled for 2.10pm so I thought it might just be a quick in and out appointment but it wasn't.
I'd printed out my charts and made notes about the months where I wasn't charting. I'd also made a few notes about my previous lap surgery back in 2002. Our GP had given us copies of the testing she'd done so there was a whole stack of paper work I took in.
Dr S was very thorough, he went through all my medical history starting with what my cycles were like as a teenager. We discussed my previous laproscopy & hysterscopy, how I had a few large cysts and that my fallopian tube was adhered to the abdominal wall.
He did an ultrasound (surprise internal ultrasound, thank goodness I'd shaved my legs that morning!) and exam. He also sent me for a blood test just to see what's going on with this messed up cycle (day 47 and counting) and my husband has to do another SA but this time it's to be sent to the fertility clinics lab. He was a bit concerned with my husbands morphology results from his SA, but he did explain that the low result could be from a number of factors and it's possible that this next SA the numbers could have improved. But it's also possible the numbers could be the same.
On the ultrasound he could see the cysts, but when he looked at my charts it looks like I'm ovulating around once every 3-4 months. I am ovulating and the blood work my GP did shows that I did ovulate that cycle. Just not any cycles since. So I haven't ovulated since March.
He could see what he thinks is one of my fallopian tubes, typically on an ultrasound they don't show up, but if the tube is blocked or full of fluid then it can be seen. He was quite concerned with this. If it is fluid in the tube then that fluid can leak into my uterus, which can lower the chance of implantation.
Our next step is surgery for me. A lap to see if there's any endo and remove it if there is. Also if that one very large cysts is still there, removal of that as well. As well as a hyst, d&c and dye test. All of that I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting is that if my tube is full of fluid or blocked and it can't be repaired then he'll remove it. That was unexpected. I also didn't expect to be told that it would be an overnight stay in hospital. My previous lap was just day surgery, I went in at 9am and was out and home by 3pm.
I was quite relieved when at the end of the appointment he said "it's not a matter of whether or not you can get pregnant. It's just a matter of whether you need a little bit of science or a lot of science to help you get pregnant"
We met with the lovely nurse who will be our contact for any test results and scheduling any surgeries. She organised my husbands SA and she's who I have to call on Tuesday to get the results of my blood work. I think I'm going to book my lap then. While Dr S has a few free surgery spots left for this month, my husband can't take any time off work until the end of next month.
The end of July works out a bit better for my work too, it's the first week of term and I rarely get called in to replace teachers then. Plus it's right in between family birthdays so I'll be able to hide away at home while I recover as we still haven't told our families that we're ttc or that we were seeing a FS.
I'm just feeling a bit numb at the moment. I haven't had a chance to process it all. I'm glad that we're taking this step but at the same time I'm angry that we have to consciously work, plan and spend thousands of dollars to have a baby, when so many other people don't. Dr S said that one in six couples need fertility treatments to fall pregnant. Our group of friends is made up for seven couples so statistically it had to be one couple. I just feel bitter that it was us.
I'd printed out my charts and made notes about the months where I wasn't charting. I'd also made a few notes about my previous lap surgery back in 2002. Our GP had given us copies of the testing she'd done so there was a whole stack of paper work I took in.
Dr S was very thorough, he went through all my medical history starting with what my cycles were like as a teenager. We discussed my previous laproscopy & hysterscopy, how I had a few large cysts and that my fallopian tube was adhered to the abdominal wall.
He did an ultrasound (surprise internal ultrasound, thank goodness I'd shaved my legs that morning!) and exam. He also sent me for a blood test just to see what's going on with this messed up cycle (day 47 and counting) and my husband has to do another SA but this time it's to be sent to the fertility clinics lab. He was a bit concerned with my husbands morphology results from his SA, but he did explain that the low result could be from a number of factors and it's possible that this next SA the numbers could have improved. But it's also possible the numbers could be the same.
On the ultrasound he could see the cysts, but when he looked at my charts it looks like I'm ovulating around once every 3-4 months. I am ovulating and the blood work my GP did shows that I did ovulate that cycle. Just not any cycles since. So I haven't ovulated since March.
He could see what he thinks is one of my fallopian tubes, typically on an ultrasound they don't show up, but if the tube is blocked or full of fluid then it can be seen. He was quite concerned with this. If it is fluid in the tube then that fluid can leak into my uterus, which can lower the chance of implantation.
Our next step is surgery for me. A lap to see if there's any endo and remove it if there is. Also if that one very large cysts is still there, removal of that as well. As well as a hyst, d&c and dye test. All of that I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting is that if my tube is full of fluid or blocked and it can't be repaired then he'll remove it. That was unexpected. I also didn't expect to be told that it would be an overnight stay in hospital. My previous lap was just day surgery, I went in at 9am and was out and home by 3pm.
I was quite relieved when at the end of the appointment he said "it's not a matter of whether or not you can get pregnant. It's just a matter of whether you need a little bit of science or a lot of science to help you get pregnant"
We met with the lovely nurse who will be our contact for any test results and scheduling any surgeries. She organised my husbands SA and she's who I have to call on Tuesday to get the results of my blood work. I think I'm going to book my lap then. While Dr S has a few free surgery spots left for this month, my husband can't take any time off work until the end of next month.
The end of July works out a bit better for my work too, it's the first week of term and I rarely get called in to replace teachers then. Plus it's right in between family birthdays so I'll be able to hide away at home while I recover as we still haven't told our families that we're ttc or that we were seeing a FS.
I'm just feeling a bit numb at the moment. I haven't had a chance to process it all. I'm glad that we're taking this step but at the same time I'm angry that we have to consciously work, plan and spend thousands of dollars to have a baby, when so many other people don't. Dr S said that one in six couples need fertility treatments to fall pregnant. Our group of friends is made up for seven couples so statistically it had to be one couple. I just feel bitter that it was us.
Friday, 7 June 2013
Off to the specialist
Today is the day we've got our fertility specialist appointment.
My husband has taken the day off, he gets the usual ten days of sick leave a year on top of his annual leave and can use his sick leave if he is ill or has a doctor or dental appointment. But what's really lucky is if he doesn't use all of his sick leave, each year it gets rolled over, in most companies here if you don't use it by the end of the year you lose it. Seeing as he's been working for this company for seven years now, he has a tonne of sick leave accumulated.
As much as I despise the company he works for, I am grateful that they are generous with their leave benefits.
Our appointment isn't until this afternoon at 2pm. We've got a few things to do first, my husband has to go and get a dental xray that he's been putting off for weeks (he got the referral at his last check up but ignored it, now he's got a toothache and has to have the xray done before his dentists appointment tomorrow morning). I also need new ballet flats to wear to work, the ones I bought in winter last year just aren't cutting it. And I think we might go and have sushi from the local sushi train for lunch.
It's also a public holiday on Monday! Four day weekend! I was completely unaware until last week. I knew our FS appointment was on a Friday and that we'd both planned to take the day off work. But I didn't realise that it was the Friday before a long weekend.
I'm kind of glad that it worked out this way. If the FS appointment is a bit upsetting or we hear something that we've got to think about first, then we've got the rest of the four day weekend to process it and talk it through.
We won't be seeing any friends or family this weekend either. A lot of our friends are busy with work this weekend. It's coming up to the end of the financial year so everyone is busy or putting in extra hours over the next few weekends. And next weekend it's my mothers birthday lunch so we won't see my family this weekend as we'll be seeing them next weekend.
It's just the right weekend for my husband and I to hang out on our own together. I think we might go see a movie, maybe go to the beach for lunch and just take some time out.
My husband has taken the day off, he gets the usual ten days of sick leave a year on top of his annual leave and can use his sick leave if he is ill or has a doctor or dental appointment. But what's really lucky is if he doesn't use all of his sick leave, each year it gets rolled over, in most companies here if you don't use it by the end of the year you lose it. Seeing as he's been working for this company for seven years now, he has a tonne of sick leave accumulated.
As much as I despise the company he works for, I am grateful that they are generous with their leave benefits.
Our appointment isn't until this afternoon at 2pm. We've got a few things to do first, my husband has to go and get a dental xray that he's been putting off for weeks (he got the referral at his last check up but ignored it, now he's got a toothache and has to have the xray done before his dentists appointment tomorrow morning). I also need new ballet flats to wear to work, the ones I bought in winter last year just aren't cutting it. And I think we might go and have sushi from the local sushi train for lunch.
It's also a public holiday on Monday! Four day weekend! I was completely unaware until last week. I knew our FS appointment was on a Friday and that we'd both planned to take the day off work. But I didn't realise that it was the Friday before a long weekend.
I'm kind of glad that it worked out this way. If the FS appointment is a bit upsetting or we hear something that we've got to think about first, then we've got the rest of the four day weekend to process it and talk it through.
We won't be seeing any friends or family this weekend either. A lot of our friends are busy with work this weekend. It's coming up to the end of the financial year so everyone is busy or putting in extra hours over the next few weekends. And next weekend it's my mothers birthday lunch so we won't see my family this weekend as we'll be seeing them next weekend.
It's just the right weekend for my husband and I to hang out on our own together. I think we might go see a movie, maybe go to the beach for lunch and just take some time out.
Saturday, 25 May 2013
Crankyness
I'm sick and I'm over being sick. I didn't fall asleep until around 5am because I was coughing so much. And then I was up a few hours later when the humidifier clicked off. This is the first night that I've coughed like this. The cough is the worst part of being sick for me. I hate it. It makes me anxious because I feel like I can't breathe. So sometimes I wind up having a panic attack because I'm coughing. I'm such a mess.
And I still haven't gotten my period. I don't know what's going on. I'm 14 dpo today and my temp has dropped a little bit but not a huge amount. I took yet another hpt today and it was negative.
I'm starting to think that those three and a half days of spotting were a period of sorts (even though it started at only 5dpo and I'm pretty sure when I ovulated because both opks and my temperature point towards the same day) and that because I fell sick just after the spotting started it's screwed with my temperatures. I haven't had a fever but I haven't been feel well either. Some nights I know I was breathing through my mouth as I woke up with a terribly dry mouth and sore throat. I did have the humidifier going from the time I started to feel run down, and that does warm our bedroom slightly.
My husband keeps making references that I'm pregnant. We were talking about twins and I said that after it's taken us 12 months to fall pregnant, that if I did fall pregnant with twins after this journey I'd feel sort of cheated out of a pregnancy. (Complete and utter crazy ramblings, I know) It was then he said "In 9 months time when you're telling me you're so over this pregnancy, it'll be a different story!"
And earlier when I was spotting and I was kept having whinge about how I didn't know why I was spotting he kept telling me that "Maybe it's baby!" "Maybe it's implantation bleeding!" I love how he's taken the time to google and research all of this.
I love how he's so positive through all of this. Some times it frustrates me, as I feel that being positive just makes it harder when things don't work out. He gets frustrated at me too, especially when I'm in a particularly negative mood.
He's told me a few times I should go to the doctor about the spotting. But I really don't want to. We've got the specialist appointment in two weeks time on June 7th. There really isn't any tests the GP can run that the specialist won't run anyway. And I sort of just want to forget about ttc for a few weeks until our appointment.
I'm sick of opks and hpts and taking my temperature every morning. I'm sick of analysing every cramp, twinge, headache and mood. And I'm even sick of taking the prenatal vitamins that have a silhouette of a pregnant woman on the front.
And I still haven't gotten my period. I don't know what's going on. I'm 14 dpo today and my temp has dropped a little bit but not a huge amount. I took yet another hpt today and it was negative.
I'm starting to think that those three and a half days of spotting were a period of sorts (even though it started at only 5dpo and I'm pretty sure when I ovulated because both opks and my temperature point towards the same day) and that because I fell sick just after the spotting started it's screwed with my temperatures. I haven't had a fever but I haven't been feel well either. Some nights I know I was breathing through my mouth as I woke up with a terribly dry mouth and sore throat. I did have the humidifier going from the time I started to feel run down, and that does warm our bedroom slightly.
My husband keeps making references that I'm pregnant. We were talking about twins and I said that after it's taken us 12 months to fall pregnant, that if I did fall pregnant with twins after this journey I'd feel sort of cheated out of a pregnancy. (Complete and utter crazy ramblings, I know) It was then he said "In 9 months time when you're telling me you're so over this pregnancy, it'll be a different story!"
And earlier when I was spotting and I was kept having whinge about how I didn't know why I was spotting he kept telling me that "Maybe it's baby!" "Maybe it's implantation bleeding!" I love how he's taken the time to google and research all of this.
I love how he's so positive through all of this. Some times it frustrates me, as I feel that being positive just makes it harder when things don't work out. He gets frustrated at me too, especially when I'm in a particularly negative mood.
He's told me a few times I should go to the doctor about the spotting. But I really don't want to. We've got the specialist appointment in two weeks time on June 7th. There really isn't any tests the GP can run that the specialist won't run anyway. And I sort of just want to forget about ttc for a few weeks until our appointment.
I'm sick of opks and hpts and taking my temperature every morning. I'm sick of analysing every cramp, twinge, headache and mood. And I'm even sick of taking the prenatal vitamins that have a silhouette of a pregnant woman on the front.
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